Disclaimer: All characters are the creations of Anne Rice. I just hope no one kills me for using them so shamelessly for a cheap laugh!

Spoilers: TVL

This is a silly spec that came to mind when I found myself wondering what kind of actor Armand would have been trying to play the lead in one the the productions at Theatre de Vampires.

Act 1

Eleni: Armand! Armand it's a disaster I tell you; a complete disaster! The show will be ruined now!

Armand: What are you talking about Eleni? What has Nicholas done now?

Eleni: It's not Nicholas, it's Coletta! She has run off with Sophie to join the Paris Opera!

Armand: That's awful....didn't anyone ever tell them they sing like scalded cats?

Eleni: Never mind that, Armand! What are we going to do? The new show opens tonight and our star is missing!

Armand: Calm down. Surely one of the other girls can take the part.

Eleni: Oh no, they can't. We only have four female vampires left, and they all have roles. Katherine is the wicked step mother; Melisante and Elspeth are the wicked stepsisters and....

Armand: Sounds like everyone is wicked...did Nicholas write this play?

Eleni: *exasperated* Yes...sort of. Nicholas got the idea from some Russian fairy tale. But that's not the point! We need someone to play the lead.

Armand: You can do it Eleni. I don't see the problem...unless this is like the last fairy tale Nicholas tried to do....*sudden horrified look* this doesn't involve animals again, does it?

Eleni: Armand! No, I promised I wouldn't let anything like that happen again. Who knew that the audience would freak out over one severed horse's head?

Armand: They severed it's head on stage! It was bad enough with that flock of geese running around the theater squawking and biting everyone on the ass, but...

Eleni: Get over it, Armand! Nicholas was just trying to go for the realism.

Armand: *throws up his hands* "The Goose Girl" was a fairy tale...there was nothing *real* about it. *sighs* Why can't you take the lead? What's it about?

Eleni: I can't play the lead because I'm playing the Fairy Godmother. The story is about a poor and innocent young girl who is kept in servitude to her wicked family, until her Fairy Godmother comes and dresses her up real pretty, sending her off to the ball to marry the handsome prince.

Armand: *musing* Why does this sound familiar? You're sure there are no animals in it?

Eleni: Armand! There are NO animals...well...ok...a few mice (rats really, but who will notice?).

Armand: All right, I get the picture. But what it is you want me to do?

Eleni: You are going to have to take the part. You will have to play Cinderella.

Armand: *squealing* ME?! Why me???

Eleni: Because silly, you're the only one who can fit into this ball gown!

Armand: *gasping and looking horrified as he stares at the dress and little pair of glass slippers* ugggggnnnnnhh!!!

Eleni: *beckoning desperately to the other girls lurking in the hall* Quick, grab him and stuff him into this costume before he remembers to breathe!

Act 2

Eleni: Stand straighter. Straiter! No, not like that! You look like you're being startched!

Melisante: Sit with your knees touching. ALWAYS!

Katherine: Kick your skirts carefully to one side before you sit down...I said CAREFULLY! *sighing* Will someone please pick Armand off the floor?

Eleni: Armand, stand straighter! Well, why didn't you say the pins were still in it?

Sophie: Be still Armand, or we'll both be burned with this hot curling tong and-OWWW! Damnit!

Eleni: Armand! Put that axe down! We don't MEAN to sound harsh or critical.

Melisante: I didn't jab you with a pin on purpose! Why do you keep making these accusations? *jab*

Katherine: Don't strangle Sophie! She is not trying to kill you with that corset!

Eleni: Armand, you little pervert! Give me that muff; it goes on your HANDS!

Katherine: Be very careful when you curtsey, always hold the skirts out of the way and....*groan*...will someone help Armand off the floor again?

Melisante: Suck your stomach in. That's it! Quick, Sophie! Lace him up before he exhales and ruins everything!

Eleni: Sophie, why is Armand laying on the floor again?

Sophie: *innocently* Maybe I DID lace him a little tightly...

Katherine: Don't slouch.

Melisante: Don't scowl.

Sophie: Don't cry!

Eleni: DON'T BITE!!!

Sophie: No, you can't go barefoot, now put the slippers on!

Eleni: Armand, stop playing with your *breasts*! You'll bruise the apples.

Katherine: I wonder if he really HAS fainted, or if he's just faking it again.

Sophie: I'll get the smelling salts.

Eleni: Maybe we could tie them around his neck like a bag of garlic...

Melisante: I think he's ready!

Sophie: He's ready!

Katherine: Yes!

Eleni: YES!!!

Act 3

(Lestat and his new fledgling Louis enter the theater and take their seats)
*yeah, i know...Louis didn't get to Paris till later, and Nicholas died before Louis was made, but for the purposes of this Speculative piece, they're all in it*

Lestat: Ah, Louis! Isn't this grand? Here we are in Paris, in MY old theater. This will be quite a treat for you, my Louis. Of course it will be no where as good a performance as when I was an actor. Did I tell you about that? When I was the toast of the Paris stage?

Louis: Yes Lestat...many times. Why are your eyes glazing like that...?

Lestat: Lestat: Oh Louis! You should have seen me! I was so dashing and handsome as the young Lelio, all the women...and the men for that matter, were hopelessly in love with me. Did you just roll your eyes? I would stride out onto the stage with my red, wolf lined cape and....

Louis: ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Lestat: Wake up! You haven't been listening to a word I said. *sulks*

Louis: Huh? What did you hit me for? Oh, I heard every word! all 100 times you've told this story.

Lestat: What am I going to do with you? I listen to your whining constantly, yet I can't tell one story without you pretending to go catatonic with boredom! Ah, the play is starting.

Louis: Who's pretending? Where's the progam? Lestat, you put tooth marks in it!

Lestat: At least the music is alright so far. Nicholas must not have written it. What a set! Looks like that shack in New Orleans. Hmmmmm....that ragged little sparrow by the hearth looks familiar...

Louis: A girl? She's beautiful! I want her! Can I have her Lestat, huh, huh? Can I?

Lestat: Shut up, Louis! Stop drooling. I'll get you a new pet when we get home. But no more poodles or pidgeons.

Louis: I don't want another dog. I want a little girl..like that one! I can dress her up like a doll and play house. We can have "tea" parties and drink rat's blood out of little china cups....

Lestat: Now who's pouting. It's not polite to point, Louis. Hmmmmm....I'm not entirely sure, but somehow I doubt that the heroine is supposed to be shrieking like that while chasing the sisters around the kitchen with a broom....

Louis: a cleaver would be more effective...should be able to find one in a kitchen.

Lestat: Mon Deiu! That's no girl! Forget about your tea parties and rats, Louis! Come on, we're going to have FUN!!!

Louis: OW! Lestat, my hair is caught in your cuff button!. I don't think we're supposed to go backstage...!

Act 4

Eleni: Give me that! What do you think you're doing?! Nowhere in the script does it say Cinderella "goes psycho and slaughters her family"!

Armand: Ouch! That wand is pointy and sharp! Hey, You're not supposed to be in this scene yet! The Fairy Godmother doesn't show up till Act 5!

Eleni: And you're supposed to be playing a "sweet and innocent young maiden", not Elizabeth Bathery!

Armand: They started it! "Cinderella do this", "Cinderella do that" "bitch, bitch, bitch...."

Eleni: Oh good, keep that sulk, it works great! Of course they are; it's part of the story! Didn't you read the script?

Armand: uh....yeah...sure I did!

Eleni: oopps....We're still on stage! Here, I'll just..uh... magic you a better bosom and poof...eep!

Armand: Like this thing can hold more apples....
Oh, woe is me, how will I ever get all my chores done in time to go to the ball and eat...er...meet the handsome Prince!
ESPECIALLY SINCE SOMEBODY STOLE MY BROOM!
Hey, you didn't have to throw it a me!

(from different parts of the wings)

Eleni: ohhhh I can't believe how cowed and timid those stepsisters look! They're supposed to be the ones tormenting Cinderella! ok, everybody get ready, it's almost time for the ball scene! Henri, make sure your in place to greet Cinderella when she arrives. Henri....Henri? Where the hell is Prince Charming?

Lestat: Damn, these sleeves aren't long enough! You would think they would have chosen someone taller to play the Prince. At least the sword's a decent fit, and Henri won't mind my borrowing it while he takes a little intermission. Well? How do I look, Louis?

Louis: The same as you always do, except now you look a bit more gaudy and cheap....
ouch! I was kidding!

Eleni: Merde! I have to go on stage now and transform Armand into a Princess! There had better be a Prince when I get back! Where are the rats? I need those rats for the pumpkin scene!

Louis: mrrrrfff? *slurp*

Lestat: Oh, Louis!!! Use a napkin!

Act 5

Eleni: The rats have disappeared, so we will just have to wing it. Prentend I already turned the pumpkin and rodents into a carriage and look suitably impressed by my awesome, magical powers!

Armand: Ooh! Aah! *gasp* *swoon* OUCH! I told you to stop wacking me with that wand!

Eleni: Then stop overacting! Now for the ball gown...."Abra Kadabra, Ala Kazam...uhh...make a Princess out of this ham!"

Armand: *snicker* Hey, wait a minute! Who are you calling a ham?
Eleni: Why are you just standing there? You're supposed to use your preternatual speed to change dresses!

Armand: What? In front of everyone! There are people watching!

Eleni: ARMAND! We're on a schedule here! Now move your skinny butt!

Armand: My butt is not skinny! *ummph*...there! Happy now?!

Eleni: Mon Deiu! What happened to the bloomers you were supposed to be wearing!!!

Armand: I took them, off. They were chafing me and had too many ruffles on the....

Eleni: Don't tell me! I don't want to hear it!

Lestat: I've seen Paris; I've seen France; I've just seen Armand without his underpants!

Louis: Huh? What did I miss?

Lestat: Never mind, Louis...it wouldn't have interested 'you' anyway. *sigh*

Eleni: Adjust your bosom; your apples are slipping!

Armand: These things are cursedly uncomfortable! Couldn't you have taken the stems off first?

Eleni: Oh hush up, you little Twinky, and get to the damned ball, will you?!

Armand: *grrrrrrr* One vampiress flambe coming right up!

Act 6

Sophie: Eleni! We found Henri laying unconscious and nude behind props!

Eleni: WHAT?! What happened? More importantly, who's going to play Prince Charming?!

Sophie: Eleni...Eleni....you're choking me!

Eleni: Oh dearest God, what else could possibly go wrong? This entire production is a disaster, we'll be closed down for sure and have to go back to Les Innocence and...who is that screaming???

Armand: YOU!!!! What are you doing here?! Where is Henri?

Lestat: Henri couldn't perform tonight....seems he has a sore throat. I graciously offered to take his place. Stop frowning, you are acting like you're not delighted to see me!

Armand: Who's acting? Stop kissing my arm and get your eyes off my breasts!

Lestat: Well, you certainly aren't cher. You really should consider taking lessons if you plan to make a career out of this. By the way, those are lovely apples, petite...can I have a bite?

Melesante: Oh no! Armand just kicked Lestat down the staircase, then tripped on the hem of the gown and fell on top of him! They just wiped out half the extras on stage!

Eleni: Doomed....doomed....

Sophie: Don't cry Eleni, this can still be salvaged.....don't look at me like that!

Eleni: What are you stepsisters doing backstage? You're both supposed to be at the ball with Cinderella!

Melesante: What, are you nuts? I'm not going out there!

Katherine: Oh God, Oh, God, Oh God!

Sophie: Another deserter!

Eleni: Katherine! Get back out there! Why is everyone fleeing the stage? What's happening?

Katherine: Lestat is nursing a black eye from where Armand elbowed him. He just launched into a soliloquy on what a handsome and desireable Prince he is, punctuating it with comments about that "common little piece of baggage, Cinderella", who wouldn't know a real prince even if she fell on him (which she did). Armand is in a frothing rage, and chewing up the scenery!

Eleni: Oh, thank God! For a moment I thought you were going to tell me they were trying to kill each other. This I can handle.

Katherine: No, Eleni....I mean Armand is *chewing* up the scenery.... literally!

Eleni: ARMAND!!! Get your fangs out of that footman's throat this instant!
Mon Deiu! I knew it was a mistake to hire mortals as background extras!

Louis: Excuse me, but could someone please explain the plot to me? I'm afraid I just can't seem to follow it....

Act 7

Melesante: Move over Sophie, I can't see the carnage and bloodshed with your fat head in the way!

Sophie: Then let me give you a better view!

Melesante: EEK!!! Nooooooo....I'll be your slave for a whole week, give you all my victims, and polish your coffin every night; just don't push me out there with THEM!

Louis: Can someone please tell me what's happening? I can't see a thing with the entire cast crammed back here. Who's left on stage? What's the plot again? Does somebody have a program that hasn't been chewed on? Stop shooshing me! I LIKE asking questions.

Katherine: They're dancing right now, but it looks more like Tug-O-War Tango than the Moonlight Waltz. And they are hurling insults at one another, though I can't make out the conversation too well....something about "Pumpkins" and "where the sun don't shine"........

Eleni: Louis, can't you do something to stop this? Lestat would listen to you!

Louis: Short of a chainmail gag, no. Lestat never shuts up long enough to listen to anyone.

Bertrand: Ok, let's try this! Here, Louis, go fishing!

Eleni: Oh, what a wonderful idea! Don't know why we didn't think to use this earlier.
Alright Louis, that's it...just a little more to the left....hold it steady...WATCH IT! You almost beaned that bald guy in the front row!

Louis: I'm trying, but he won't stand still! I think he saw the hook and now he's dodging it....hey! I got something!

Sophie: It's Armand...Lestat just shoved him into the hook. Better throw him back if you know what's good for ALL of us!

Louis: Awwwwwww....I caught him and I can't keep him?

Eleni: This is not a carnival and Armand is not a kupi doll prize, now let him go! Try to get Lestat again!

Melesante: What is Armand doing with that hatpin? Ooh....!

Bertrand: Wow! Who knew Lestat could jump THAT high?!

Louis: Oh great! How am I supposed to get him with the hook when he's hanging from the chandelier?

Act 8


Lestat: I'll get you for that you little devil! You just can't stand to be upstaged by me!

Armand: I was just trying to let out some of that hot air.

Lestat: Stop trying to look innocent. It's getting old. Come here, my little cupcake, and lets finish this waltz...don't you have to be in your coffin by midnight or something, before you turn into a frog?

Armand: You are holding me too tight! OUCH! Damnit...merde! You broke my slipper!

Lestat: Oops, clumsy me! Let me look....what was that sound?

Armand: Argh! Now you broke the other one you stumbling clod!

Lestat: I am an exellent dancer! This wouldn't have happened if you had just let ME lead! By the way chere, that's a facinating new dance your doing; you should use it at the next Sabbat.

Armand: Cinderella is supposed to have at least one slipper so the Prince can try it on her foot to see if she is the one he is looking for. Now mine are a bunch of shards all over the floor!

Lestat: What, is he blind, or just have a foot fetish? He can't tell who the girl is without looking at her feet?

Armand: ouch, ouch ouch!!! What are we going to use now?

Lestat: I could compare the blood! If it tastes like Cinderella, then it must be Cinderella!

Armand: Oh no you don't! You're not sucking on my neck, you coffin hopping Romeo! And just what are you starting at?!

Lestat: Your apples...they're bouncing all over the place! Whoops! Was that your left breast that just flew out and rolled into the ochestra pit?

Eleni: Desperate times call for desperate measures....Louis! On stage, now!

Louis: Huh? Me?! But I can't act!

Eleni: Trust me, no one will ever notice! Just get out there and distract those two while I come up with a finale to close this flop down!

Louis: Alright...but who am I supposed to be?

Eleni: Hell if I know! You can be the Pied Piper of Hamlin for all I care; just get out there and do something, Bayou Boy!

Louis: Now that would be a hit play! Just think of all those rats....hey, stop pushing me!!!




Lestat: Are you sure I don't get to kiss you? The Prince always get's to kiss the Princess. It's a fairy tale rule!

Armand: Kiss me and you'll be picking your fangs up off the boards!

Louis: Excuse me...could I have this dance?

Lestat: But of course Louis, ma chere! This little strumpet is starting to bore me....HEY! I thought you meant you wanted to dance with me!

Armand: helllooo.....!

Louis: errrr....hello....You're Armand?! I guess you're not a girl are you?

Armand: Not since the last time I looked...which was about 500 years ago...would you like to check and make sure?

Louis: As tempting as that offer is, I must regretfully decline!

Lestat: Hello! Excuse me! Why is no one dancing with me?! I'M THE PRINCE!

Louis: Calm yourself Lestat, your temper tantrams make you look like a brat!

Armand: Lestat the Brat! I like the sound of that...Lestat the Brat, Lestat the Brat...AIYIEEEE!!!! MY HAIR!!!

Louis: Lestat! Let him go! How could you pick on a child like that?

Lestat: A child? Louis, this uncultered little gutter snipe is older than I am!

Armand: Uncultered? Gutter snipe? That's IT! I've had it with your pompous posturing and snide remarks, you bloody aristrocratic bastard!

Louis: Armand...what are you doing with that sword?!

Lestat: Watch where you're waving that thing you little termagent! You almost sliced off my hair!

Armand: I was aiming for your head! Stop ducking and let me lop it off!
Viva La Rèvolution!!!

Audience: Oui, Oui! Viva La Rèvolution!!!!

Louis: uh oh

Lestat: Mon Deiu!

Armand: Oops

Act 9

Eleni: I can't believe it's all over! Why did everyone go charging out the door like that? What the hell happened?

Lestat: Ask little Robespierre over there....

Armand: I said I was sorry!

Nicholas: Wow! You should see the streets! People running everywhere, waving pitchforks and storming toward the palace! It's pure chaos and mayhem....we gotta do this again!

Louis: This is my *brother*? Lestat, he's a nut!

Lestat: Well yeah...but he's a really *cute* nut!

Nicholas: I have this great idea for a new play....it's about cats that sing and dance and....

Armand: I told you, NO MORE ANIMALS!

Louis: Rats? Did he say "singing and dancing 'rats'"?


Lestat: Cats Louis, CATS!

Eleni: Nicholas, that would never work! No one would ever pay money to watch a bunch of people dressed up like cats! It's silly!

Nicholas: Well...ok....I have another idea then. It's about a guy with a really deformed face who lives under the Paris Opera house and....

All: NICKI!!!



(closing the curtain)
Fini

Eleni trying to "hook" Lestat and drag him offstage, but he keeps moving around too much and shoves Armand into the hook instead.

Ah....near midnight, Lestat steps on Armand's slippers, (they are fighting over who should lead) and breaks them, so Armand has nothing to leave for the Prince to try on Cinderella's foot...what do they use as a substitute?

match up the footprint with the one left on Lestat's ass.....oh...the apples is a good one! i need to have Armand lose one anyway! it's always been one of the jokes Lestat: nice curtsey Armand, but is that your left breast that just rolled into the orchestra pit?

Viva La Revolution.