Switching Channels
By KCSpoilers: all Vampire Chronicles
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters within this spec. They are the property of Anne Rice and her publishers, Hanna-Barbera, Paramount, and other companies. But they aren't mine.
Scene: The Night Island, affectionately known by some as the "vampire buffet." Lestat and Louis have come over to visit, seeing as how a certain pyromaniac accidentally lit a certain house on fire, rendering it uninhabitable for a time, even for a vampire. So the pair were loose on the island, visiting every casino, tourist trap, dance club and bondage bar, discovering that Lestat's credit cards really did have a limit and that you could find anything on the Night Island except a hotel room at three in the morning during summer vacation.
And so the romantic vampires with unrequited sexual desires staggered up the beach to Imp Manor, as the brat loved to call it, intending to satisfy their needs in a bedroom. To their despair, for some reason the maid had gotten drunk and locked every room, and the closets were too narrow to lie down in and the ceilings too low to lift Louis up so he could wrap his legs around Lestat's waist, which he found out with a sharp bump.
And now our story begins…
"The ballroom," Louis gasped, trying to taste the back of Lestat’s throat the hard way. "Where's the ballroom?"
"That's a little too open and the floor's too cold and slippery," Lestat managed between lip-locks. "The library. We can hide behind the history shelves, no one looks there."
They finally made it to the library and collapsed in a heap behind the volumes of encyclopedias.
"Hurry, hurry," Louis whispered furiously as Lestat worked on tugging his shirt off."What's the rush?" Lestat growled, fumbling clumsily with the buttons.
"Book dust drives me wild," Louis answered, panting like a caged creature.
"I know that," Lestat said as if it were obvious. "Why else would I buy you new books all the time? There!"
Just as he finished with the last button, the door opened and three vampires walked in.
"Why doesn't Marius like me?" David wailed, banging his head on a nearby table.
"You're going about it all wrong," Armand said firmly, jumping up and sitting on the same table. "You don't woo him with poetry, you have to bat your eyelashes and act like a total lush."
"I'm a sixty year old man, I don't do lush!"
"I'll agree with that," came Daniel's voice. "You can't even get a good French--uh, never mind."
"Daniel," Armand started far too sweetly, "pray, continue what you were saying."
"Ah, as much as I like being whipped, no way."
Behind the bookshelves, Louis stared in forlorn resignation at his lover. "That's it. The mood is gone."
"Mine isn't," Lestat mumbled, still trying to undress his lover.
"Mine is, now stop it!" Louis pushed himself out from under Lestat, then gave him a hot slap to make him stop.
"Well, fine then!" Lestat huffed, standing up and leaving him there on the carpet.
"Lestat, baby, help me up!" Louis cried, still feeling rather drained.
"No, Monsieur Not-Tonight-Lestat-I-Don't-Feel-Like-It." Lestat stormed in on the other conversation, plopping down beside the new Phillips Flat TV.
"Lestat," David smiled, "what are you doing here?"
"Trying to have sex on the carpet," Daniel answered. He glanced up and noticed Louis' glare as he walked closer, buttoning his shirt. "Hey, don’t blame me. You were broadcasting your thoughts load and clear."
"You didn't stain the carpet again, did you?" Armand whined. “I swear, your sexual practices make me look like a Puritan.”
"Sexual…sex...Marius won't have sex with me!" David started crying again.
"Nonsense, you just have to try again," Armand insisted. "Use your body, not your brain. If anyone can do that, it's a fledgling
of Lestat."
"I resent that," Louis said loudly."No, you resemble that," Daniel laughed, picking up a magazine and leafing through it. "Since when do we have a subscription to Playgi-?"
"Give me that!" Armand growled, but Daniel pulled away and kept flipping through the pictures.
Lestat sighed. "Why are you so set on hooking David up with Marius, Armand?"
"So the old Roman stops manhandling me every time he gets the hots. It's always 'caro, this,' and 'caro, that', and I can’t breathe when he rams his tongue down my throat. Besides, he doesn’t understand that I love Daniel."
"You mean he won't let Daniel join in," Louis stated, smiling wickedly at Armand's glare.
"Yeah, and he runs me out of the room before anything juicy happens," Daniel whimpered.
"And I want him!" David said firmly.
"Then why don't you use a spell or something?" Lestat asked innocently.
David was silent as a smile spread over his face. "A love spell?" he grinned.
Louis, ever the romantic, "But David, if you use a spell, then it won't be Marius' real love, just carnal lust."
"Ooh, lust," David's grin grew even larger. "And he'll throw me on the floor and rip my clothes off of me and use his tongue all over--"
"Whoa, old man," Daniel yelled, "did not need to hear that!"
"Where's my book?" David asked, gazing across the books on the table. He pushed several off of the edge and picked up the one he wanted, opening it to the right page. Dust flew up into the air from the falling tomes and all of the vampires started to sneeze. Except one.
"Mmm, book dust," Louis smiled, leaning back against a shelf.
"Geez, Louis, you're insatiable," Lestat rolled his eyes.
"I am not, I just didn't get any tonight."
"And who said the mood was dead?"
"Well, I wasn't the one who forgot that his credit card only goes to two million dollars."
"Will you two stop arguing?" Armand cried.
"NO!" both said at the same time.
"Found it!" David cried, holding the page up. "Just concentrate on Marius," he told himself. "Olfu jagthjajg vofgujiok kupywqaz lksadn flian owient gifen odnik erasoup liohuf sazxer polersa uvet sum gimme sum!"
Nothing happened.
"What happened?" Daniel asked.
"Nothing happened, can't you read?" Lestat asked derisively.
"That's odd, I know I read it right," David said.
"Are you sure?" Louis asked. "It sounded more like letters someone randomly typed."
A huge hand abruptly appeared, gave Louis a rough slap, and then disappeared.
“What the hell was that?” he gasped, sitting up on the floor.
“The hand of God?” Armand asked.
“No, the hand of the Author,” Daniel smiled. “If you’re nice to the author, you get rewards.” For no reason at all, Armand was suddenly shirtless with handcuffs on, sitting on Daniel’s lap. “See?”
“Well, it’s not that bad, but there’s no reason for it,” Armand said, trying to break the cuffs. “It doesn’t make sense. It has nothing to do with the plot. It’s as if the author just wants me half-naked and tied up for sex.”
Now his pants disappeared.
“David, about the spell?” Lestat asked, politely trying hard to seem as if he were still interested in his fledgling when there was a naked, helpless Armand not four feet away.
"Oh, I know what I forgot!" David exclaimed. "I forgot to give the name of the target. Lestat, do you know Marius' full name and -- uh oh."
The Phillips Flat TV flashed twice, then came on with a swirling noise and the static twirled like a tornado. Suddenly the static reached out around Lestat and began to suck him in.
"Grab him!" Louis screamed, jumping up and taking hold of one of Lestat's ankles as he slipped farther in. On the other side, Daniel took hold of the other ankle, dropping Armand unceremoniously onto the floor. "Don't let go!"
There was a slurping sound, and then Daniel and Louis were flat on their butts, each holding a leather boot. The Phillips Flat TV flickered, and then the screen cleared.
"Louis? Louis, are you there? Where am I?"
Louis looked up at the screen. There was Lestat standing in his socks in a tropical jungle.
Daniel smirked. "Hey, he's got rockets on his socks. Geez, just when you think you know a guy..."
"Lestat, can you hear me?"
Lestat glanced wildly around. "Yes, but I can't see you!"
"Darling, you're in the Phillips Flat TV."
"With surround sound," Armand added.
"But how did I get here?"
They all looked at David, who grinned sheepishly. "I guess when I asked Lestat for the name, the spell thought I meant him."
"But why is he in the Phillips Flat TV--"
"--with surround sound--"
"--and not madly in love with you?" Daniel asked.
"Good taste?" Louis mumbled.
"I heard that!"
"Well, who cares, just get him out!" Louis shouted. "Now!"
"Careful, Louis, the brat's rubbing off on ya," Daniel smirked.
"I just need to find a reversal spell," David muttered, flipping through the book. "Give me some time."
Daniel and Armand and Louis all sat back down and watched Phillips Flat TV.
"With surround sound," Armand added.
“What?” Daniel asked.
“Nothing,” Armand answered.
"You know, this thing doesn't get very good reception," Lestat complained. "I feel grainy."
"Turn a knob, Louis," Armand said.
"Oh, I can turn knobs too," Daniel laughed, reaching up and pinching a nipple. Armand gasped in painful pleasure.
"Well?" Lestat called out.
"He's finding a reverse spell," Louis said. "Just relax."
Lestat was about to sit when he heard something not too far away. He looked to his right and saw only bushes on bushes of green. Then one of the bushes swayed ominously.
"Louis, what show is this?" Lestat asked nervously.
"Let me check the TV Guide," Daniel said, flipping through the pages. "Channel 14, the encore presentation of Lost World."
"What?!" Lestat screamed.
At that moment, there was a roar and a herd of velociraptors raced out of the brush toward him.
"Eeek! Change the channel!" Lestat yelled, running away.
"Where's the remote?" Louis asked, searching frantically. It was nowhere in sight.
Daniel's hand suddenly snaked under his rear.
"Daniel!" Armand and Louis screamed at the same time.
"Got it," Daniel smiled, pulling the remote out from under him. "You were sitting on it."
"Louis!!"
They all looked up and saw the lead raptor leap up, claws extended. Louis pushed the button.
*click*
Lestat seemed to fall out of the air and land on a neon green patch of grass. "Now where am I?"
"My Little Pony, My Little Ponyyy..."
"Ack! Not this!" Lestat turned and saw several fat horses trotting up to him. "Louis, these things are multicolored with designs painted on their--"
"Astonishing!" David suddenly said. "Did you know this book shows you how to cook a pot roast?"
"The reverse spell?" Armand urged him.
"Oh, right."
"Just hang in there, Sweetie."
"Louis, I think we have a problem!"
"What is it, chere?"
"Look!"
They all strained their eyes. In the background they could barely make out the silhouette of a oddly familiar reptile streaking across the animated landscape.
"I guess a raptor got caught when we changed channels," Daniel suggested.
"What's it doing--ewww, look what it did to that pony!" Armand grimaced.
"Oh no," the My Little Pony Sundance cried out, "that thing's eating Cotton Candy!"
"Kill it!" Firefly yelled.
One unicorn lowered her head and charged the raptor. She took it by surprise and impaled it, her rainbow colored hair mixing with garish cartoon blood and guts.
"That vampire brought it here," Ribbons said darkly.
"Kill it!" the ponies screeched, galloping toward him. "Trample it!"
"Louis, beam me somewhere safe!"
"Maybe if we just turn off the Phillips Flat TV--"
"With surround sound," Armand added.
"--he'll pop back out," Daniel offered.
"No, don't turn me off!" Lestat cried.
*click*
"And now the Playgirl channel presents Intercourse with the Vampire." (Author’s note: this is indeed a real show, but it’s on the Playboy channel. Not that the author would know about such things…um...back to the show.)
"Perfect..."
*click*
"Hey, Louis, what did you do that for?" Lestat whined. "The guy playing me looked good!"
"Yeah, Louis," Daniel asked, "that place was safe."
"Not for me, it wasn't," Louis growled. "Where is he now?"
"Jenkies, some guy dressed like a vampire just popped out of thin air!" said a strangely familiar girl in an orange turtleneck and glasses.
"Velma, like, back away before he makes you a shish-kabob," the lanky goateed kid said.
"Rah, a rish-rabob!"
"The dog is talking," Lestat whispered, backing away.
"Hahahahahaha"
"What the hell? Where's that laughter coming from?" Lestat asked, looking around. "It wasn't even that funny."
"Oh, Freddy, I don't think he's faking those teeth!"
"Okay gang, here's the plan. Scooby, you and Shaggy check out the old crypt the monster is probably hiding while me and the girls go check the mansion's bedroom. (aside) Velma, you know what those socks do for me..."
"Freddy, I'm here too."
"Yeah, but you're just a bimbo, Daphne."
"LOUIS! Please!"
*click*
"I'm the king of the world!!"
"Yes, perfect. Hang on, chere, there's something I've always wanted to do."
Lestat crept up behind the idiot standing at the prow of the boat, then gave him a good shove. There was a scream and then a splash, and then a red streak behind the boat's propellor. (Author's Note: for the purposes of this story, that boat has a huge propellor and the blonde moron is now chum.) "That's for unseating Star Wars, you lousy hack!"
Lestat got a blood-flavored ice cream for no apparent reason.
“Talk about rewards,” Louis mumbled thoughtfully.
Daniel swooned. “Leonardo, he killed Leonardo! Louis, flip before he does anything else!"
*click*
"To boldly go where no one has gone before!"
Lestat appeared on the deck of what seemed to be a starship, except it looked more like a lounge. Still rather hungry, he reached for the nearest body and pulled it up, biting into the pale neck.
CLANG!"
"What the hell? It's an android!"
"Captain, we seem to have an intruder on board!"
"I see, Number One. Take care of it while I go read Shakespeare and take my Viagra with my tea."
"I've got it," David suddenly said. "Give me a moment..."
*click*
"Where's Lestat?"
"I don't see him."
"Wait--there he is!" Louis pointed. "He's tied to the railroad tracks!"
"He's naked!" Danny cried.
"Let me see!" Armand vied for a closer look, but Daniel covered his eyes and held him tight.
“How did that happen?”
“Who cares?” Louis laughed, leaning close.
"Louis, dammit, get me out of here!"
Louis smirked. "Take your time, David, the train's still a few miles away."
"Boy, I never noticed the abs he's got," Daniel said.
"Danny!" Armand said, shocked.
"It's okay, sugar, I love you," he reassured him, giving him a sloppy kiss.
"Louis!" Lestat cried, twisting around on the tracks. "Change the channel!"
Louis was grinning now and watching intently. The train was getting closer and each step it took drove Lestat into an even more heated frenzy. He writhed and moaned helplessly as if he were doing a horizontal dance.
“This is a very imaginative story,” Louis suddenly said in a loud voice, “and extremely entertaining! I would nominate it for a Pulitzer if I could.”
“Louis, you are so sneaky…” Daniel sighed.
"Here we go," David said. "Oplui maesder erwgo tixgo erewhay dey wanna go popa Lestat!"
There was another sound like air rushing out of a whoopee cushion, and then Lestat, still naked and still tied up, landed on Louis' lap.
"It worked! If you'll excuse us," Louis said quickly, slinging his naked captive over his shoulder and picking up a rather dusty book as he carried him off, ignoring his pleas to put him down.
At that moment Marius entered the room, eyed Armand’s naked and bound body and rushed over to him. He swept him up and crushed him in his arms. "Oh, mi caro Amadeo," he cried, smothering him in kisses and manhandling his body. He looked up coldly at Daniel. "Don't you have somewhere to be?"
Tears formed in the fledgling's eyes. He mumbled something and ran down the hall, howling in misery.
"David, do it!" Armand growled.
David took a deep breath, then stepped closer to the pair, pushed Armand out of Marius' grip, and wrapped his arms around the strong vampire, dipping him backward for a long kiss. When they stood up again, Marius had a stunned look on his face. Then he grinned, took David's hand and pulled him back behind the history shelves as Armand skipped and jumped to find his fledgling and the keys to the handcuffs.
The End