TURAC - The Heretic War
Threaded by BlackRose
Original events occured in 1995
Ben: SHEEP every one of you! Renounce the church!Only harm can come from this, if you persist with this pointless ditribe I shall be forced to rend those that are weaker in the fold. Only the strong shall survive. The Armandian church must die!
Those that would repress your true being and remake to covens in their own ghastly image must be thrown from their position of power. This or rule in the correcet manner, not this simpering subservient, demeaning manner. Think about who you are. Think about what you are doing!
Love your maker, but be not a slave. Hearken to me and you shall be all that you need. My family is small, but I invite you to swell the ranks that we may crush our enemies! All shall fall eventually. . .
Ginger: It has come to my attention that several unclean forces have declaired war on The Unholy Roman Armandian Church! What sacrilege! They know not what they do. Fear not, disciples of Armand. I have been authorized to distribute amongst you the Sacred Vials which contain drops of the blood of the God Armand, which have been hitherto locked away in the sacred underground vaults of our beautiful church. These vials, when worn, will render you impregnable to attack from the infidels. We are invincible! We are the forces of ARMAND!!
Ben: It is with pleasure I announce the introduction of the first minion to my fold. Joanne aka SheDevil has been wholehearteldy welcomed, and perhaps now my plans can begin to unfold. I shall not announce a new church, in fact I shall do the opposite and declare that any church that attempts unfriendly action shall be razed to the ground. Holy or Unholy, the church is for sheep and the blind. I have yet to pass ruling on whether or not to declare war on the self-righteous and the vain. 8)
Ginger: ATTENTION: Members of The Unholy Roman Armandian Church -
One of the leaders in the war against our church, Lord Benjamin, has been unmasked! He is none other than Memnoch himself!! Do not be fooled by his lies. He is a cunning and evil master of rhetoric and subterfuge. He will stop at nothing to convince you of his righteousness. Beware the father of lies! He will tell you that Armand is really on his side, and that Louis and Lestat support him too! Do not believe this! He has threatend to destory our beautiful church and everyone in it. So beware - he is a master of deception. Long live the forces of Armand!
LadyBD: Well done, my sister in the faith! You have rightly identified the fiend. Beware, family, friends and fans! Shun his evil message! The father of lies has corrupted even our former ally, Lestat de Lioncourt. Who knows who he may turn his evil eye upon next? Be strong - we shall prevail!
Vanessa: Please, my children, remain calm! NOTHING will destroy our beautiful church, because WE have the power of Armand. Armand with his infinite wisdom will protect us. Fear not, my children! Rest assured that the infidel will be destroyed. Lord Benjamin? *shrug* Nothing to worry about. Everything is under control.
Elan: If you think that you can just waltz into the lives of us all and turn us against our beautiful church you are sadly mistaken. It takes more than a few stupid things said and hillarious threats to cause any fears. So if you think you have come to ruin our church you might as well stop here before you make a bigger fool of yourself. So my advice is stop harassing the people of the church and stick to what you know... for the weak do not make great leaders. You will fall my dear, you and all your followers. So don't get to high up on your egos because it may hurt coming down.
Heather W: I clutch my Sacred Vial and kiss it. En garde. Hail Armand!
Josh: Ah, the sweet smell of self-righteousness, the air of intolerance. How very *delightful*. Such stuff as dreams are made of... This is what keeps me on the Internet--the petty flamewars over nothing at all fought by people who lack perspective.
Steph: Hey, he called the war, we didn't. We're the victims of the evil Soviet state that has no tolerance for religious convictions. Oh, and the high council never sanctioned name calling in headers so here goes the disclaimer... Ahem...The Unholy Roman Armandian Church is not responsible for actions or words of it's followers. All opinions expressed are purely the thoughts and ideas of the individual and are in no way a reflection on the church or Armand.
Josh: Stephanie, LadyDeath--y'all _know_ I love you, but do you see what happens when you start a new religion? All of a sudden people want to start crusades, sack & pillage Internet sites, flame unbelievers at the stake... NOT a pretty sight. Are y'all sure this is what Armand would want, given his refined sense of aesthetics? Religions are *notoriously* sloppy operations.
Steph: Vanessa started it Josh, I only follow orders ;) And we did not start this crusade! Sure, originally we started that little skirmish with Claire and the Louisian forces (personally, I thought you of all people would have enjoyed that) but we signed an alliance with her and forged a joint attack against the evil and very annoying Dora (the religious fanatic in Memnoch). All of a sudden, this new dude calls a Jihad against us...what are we suppose to do? We're only defending are right to religious freedom. Sure, our diety of choice is a little red head vampire, but it works nicely for us *smile*. Besides, we have a very strong aesthetic sense within our church. The churches are showered with Bosch, Dali, and Picasos. We mourned the entire week over Bob Ross...
So you see, we are the victims here Josh. We love and serve the entire aba-r community whether they are members or not.
Ben: It seems that war is inevitable. I have tried my best to show our brothers and sisters the way to their unique destiny. The trumped up coven that calls itself TURAC must be razed. All those who are loyal to me, those whom ahve pledged their allegiance and those that wish to join, follow me in stating publicly that the church members must listen to our rationale, or be destroyed. Should they still believe that the church is their only option, they may remain in it as it is torched around them.
This is the call to arms.
This is war.
This is the word of Lord Benjamin.
Ginger: After this tirade, is there anyone amongst you that does not now believe that this "Lord Benjamin" is none other than Memnoch himself? I warned you that behind his sweet words lied the very heart of the destroyer. He is the father of lies! He has showed his true colors and admitted to his true motives, which is the total and complete annihilation of TURAC and all of it's members!
Our existence is painful to him. Our loyalty, our devotion, our very faith pains him greatly! Our destruction has always been his only goal. Pity this poor devil, for he cannot hurt us in the least. His words will fall around him and become like ashes in the wind.
VIVA ARMAND!
VIVA TURAC!
Steph: Hello dear members of both TURAC and Lord B's Liberation movement. It has been brought to my attention that there has been some rather off color remarks made on both sides of the fence. Please reframe from making personal attacks on people especially in headers. Remember, hate the movement or church not the members. This is a war, it's suppose to be fun =)
(side note to church members: Artifice and Deception, those are the weapons of Armand. Make your comments covert so they have to search for the meaning. Make Armand proud!)
Tina: Thanx ever so much for clarifying that. Based on some of the posts and some of the email I've been getting, I was starting to wonder. So, now that that's been made clear....
"I LOVE A JIHAD" (sung loudly to the tune of "I Love a Parade")
Pass the virtual ammunition please.
ALL HAIL ARMAND !
DEATH TO THE INFIDEL! (that's a generic use of the word infidel and not aimed at anyone inparticular, of course. No personal attacks here! :) )
Ginger: LOL!! How could anyone take this war seriously?? I'ts too much damned fun! Lord Ben(Memnoch) is probably laughing his evil pointed little head off right now. You're playing right into his hands. He is ,of course, totally powerless (unless you're on his side, in which case I pity your poor lost soul).
VIVA JIHAD!
VIVA ARMAND!
Ben: My latest minion and warrior in the uprising against the church is Zaphod, aka Cameron Munro. He is protected by me, as are my other minions, needless to say, he is strong enough to stand alone, as will be all that stand with me.
How long I wonder before the rest of you convert? Lurkers and church members alike, you are welcome.
Zaphod: What can I say? I'm a sucker for pizza, and he promised me an archbishophood. Hail Benjamin and all that.
Steph: Well, it was my personal opinion that we should have had bingo instead of Potlucks and BBQ's, but thats just me.
Really Zaphod, I don't see why the cool-as-all-hell ex-head houncho of the galaxy/ felon/ captain of the space ship Heart of Gold, would give either of his two heads or three arms care about a bunch of ape descended earthlings. What, have you turned into a strag? I bet you don't even carry a towel anymore!
Come on Zaphod...or should I say...PHIL! I bet you even know what a collapsing Hrung is, and why it chose to colapse on Betegeuse seven!
Ha! You can't fool me!
Buni: My Lord Benjamin...
It is I the ever fluffy and humble Bunicula.
After long hours of prayer to our beloved Armand.... I find that I am being smothered by the Church fo Armand. As much as I love me fellow Church members I just can't bring myself to conform to their ways of potlucks and Bar B-Q's.
Thus I renounce my initiation to the church. I thought it best to inform you that you had great influence in my decision. :)
Ben: The first battle is mine. See the heathens run screaming from their flaming hovels into the purity of the theology of the Gathering of the Lord Benjamin, the Eternal Ronin.
Weep not for this one, priestesses, for she is in a better place.
Bwahahahaha. How many of you now falter in your faith? I know there are many. Each of you will be as welcome here as this one is. Those that do not convert will be destroyed.
This is the word of Lord Benjamin.
Rose: Lord Benji,
I go off to vacation and I come back to find that you are trying to destroy our church. And that you have wooed one of our own away to your side. With beautiful words and flowery promises.
To quote me mother:
The devil comes in beautiful things because if his ugliness showed through no one would follow.
Fellow member of the TURAC remember that when Benji trys to lie to you with his words.
Hail Armand,
Our abandoned of God.
Zaphod: I'm sorry, Dark children, but I myself witnessed the apostasy of the creature called Bunicula. She confessed her rebellion against TURAC to the Eternal Ronin, Lord Benjamin, and said that she was wearied by the Churchs endless Barbeques and Pot Lucks.
Isn't it time you followed her?
Ginger: Hey Zaphod! So what do you have against barbecues and pot lucks?? A little too high brow for you? What would you prefer....bowling????
Just curious - what did Lord Benjamin offer you that was so much better than TURAC? Cheese stuffed crust pizza maybe? I hope it's worth it, what ever it is, because you've just unwittingly sold your soul to Memnoch himself! You poor mortal fool.
Come back to the church now and all your transgressions will be forgiven. Drink from the blood of the immortal god Armand and feel true happiness.
Lord Benjamin will most likely bleed your soul dry with his tales of "independence" and "free thought" and then leave you to rot in the hot Austrailian sun far from all your friends and loved ones. Break away now before it's too late! He can't win this war. He's alone in his hell and he needs your company. Lestat rejected him, and you can too. VIVA TURAC!
(The End... more or less)