TURAC - The Dora War
Threaded by BlackRose
Original events occured in 1995Threader disclaimer - I won't even claim that this is all of the long ago TURAC thread - but it is a fair sampling of it, and in the tradition of the great TAC war, I thought it deserved preserving. Everything said by everyone was... well... really said. ;) Enjoy!
PS - the original idea for TURAC is courtesy of the once acting Popess, Stephanie Buday... I just don't have that post. =(
TURAC membership list (way way way back when...)Official moto of the General Authorities and High Priesthood:
"Come to me; all things will be forgiven if only you come to me."GENERAL AUTHORITIES:
Armand- Demi-God and Founder of the Church
Popess- Vanessa Delvalle
Cardinalette- Stephanie Buday
Archbishopess- Mick ColemanHIGH PRIESTHOOD:
High Priestess' - Rose and Lady Black Death
Bishopess- CatherineOfficial moto of all other members:
"We are the abandoned of God"COUNSEL:
First Counselor to the Popess- BlackRose
Second Counselor to the Popess- Kimberlea Klein
Advisor to the Popess- April MistCLERGY:
Katie Scrivener - (Priestess)
Ginger Pope- (Priestess)SECRETARIES:
Secretary of the High Priesthood- ClaudiaMEMBERS:
Lisa Jordan- Keeper of the Holy Flame
Kim Soderk
Erin Lancaster
Pandora
Heather Worme
Mary Spring
Lisa Covey
Leah
Katrianna
Nathan
Scarlett
Tina
Vampire Eyes
Adonia
Jaime
Ponine
Nicholas
Elane
Gabriel Townsend
Bunicula
Alchemist
Rose: I was gonna start my own thread on this, but I'll just reply here! I want to be a priestess, too! PLEASE!!!!! I am ready to worship Armand in any way possible! Gee, who should our first sacrificial lamb be? :-)=LadyBD: DORA!!! Or someone who bears a striking resemblance to her.
Vanessa: Oh, Rose!!! *happy smile* My darling little half-sister! Okay, you and LadyBD will be my high Priestess! I'm the "Popess" *grin*
I'm just finishing the Temple. It will have images of our darling imp all over the roof, the walls, the doors, the windows, etc.
LadyBD: AACK! Oh, most high and mighty Popess? Um, I'm kinda allergic to temples. They give me the screaming heebee jeebees, actually. I got chained up in one once and well... Can't we have a nice cathedral instead? It'll look like Notre Dame. That will appeal to his sense of humor. ;)
Vanessa: I thereby give you the authority to act in the name of Armand! You and LadyBD are now able to give the priesthood to any interested Armand lovers!
LadyBD: I'll do what I can to carry the word of Armand to the unenlightened. *grin* And here I always thought missionaries were nuts...
Vanessa: Forgot to mention that our first sacrificial lamb would be Louis! *evil grin*
Rose: Hehehe! Oh Louis, Armand has a nice rat for you! No, Louis, it's free, *gratis*- a peace offering, of sorts! Come join Anne Rampling in the dungeon, I mean, dining room... (evil grin)
Bekki: Oh come now! Do you really think Armand would want you to sacrifice *Louis*???? I don't think so.
BlackRose: Um, did we ever say *what* we were sacrificing of Louis? I don't think we're talking his heart on a platter, you know... Sacrificial virginity, maybe... "Oh Louis... Oh, no, these aren't handcuffs! And even if they were, it's just for fun. How would you like to have some fun? I know this great little place, and Armand will be there. It's black, you like black, don't you? And the *leather*... um, did I say 'leather'? I meant WEATHER! Yeah, that's it. No, just come along, Louis, we're going to have fun..."
Bekki: LIAR!!! :-)
BlackRose: I wasn't lying! I said *we'd* have fun... We as in all of the Church of Armandian, and Armand himself. Not my fault if Louis misunderstood me...
CCJ: Hmmm... Sarcificing Louis innocence on the Altar of Our Lord Armand- I like it! And who knows... Louis may have fun too!!! (-:
LadyBD: *sniff* I still say the first sacrifice should be Dora. Now come on, kids. _Think_ about it! *Toothy Grin*
Rose: Oh, I agree wholeheartedly with that, LadyBD! YEAH! LET'S KILL HER! KILL! KILL! KILL! Sorry, got a little carried away there! Think I could lure her into the dungeon w/ Veronica's Veil? (evil grin) Oh, Dora, your daddy left you some more relics.... Come and see them, they're down here!
Steph: Hello fellow worshipers, The Cardinalette Stephanie here with some news on whats going on in the church. First off, thanks to all those that responded. All of you will have a place in the Unholy Roman Armandian Church of the Living Saints. Welcome aboard! Second, The Popess Vanessa and I have decided to call a crusade against the Louisian forces of deception and whining. Our main foe, Claire Williams, is trying to tell others that we do not stand for the true Armandian church. Do not be fooled by her! As Commander and chief of the Armandian army, I give all of you permission to shoot to kill!
FOR THE GREATER GLORY OF ARMAND!
LadyBD: Steph... how can I put this gently... A CRUSADE AGAINST LOUIS??????? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR SMALL MIND?????
Uh, sorry. Not gentle enough, I fear. Um, last I checked, Louis and Armand were actually getting along quite well.
***** A N D *****
I have just spoken with our great and glorious Popess, ~Nessa, the demented one. She agreed to transfer our first sacrifice to Dora.
Oh Cardinalette... I beg you to reconsider. Train your mighty army against a far more worthy foe, the mighty fiend Dora. Unleash your most righteous wrath upon this foul pretender! If you think about it, I'll bet you'll find it a most rewarding proposition... *evil grin*
Rose: Oh, yes, my beloved Cardinalette and minion-mother. Do not make us kill Louis! We are not trying to mutiny here, we are only looking out for the safety of the church! Armand might indeed be upset by the sacrifice of Louis. We _must_ go after Dora- she is the real fiend, the real enemy!
CCJ: Have no fear, fellow Believers! We Are NOT going after dear Louis! Apparently, our Benevolent Popess has decided to spare the dear fledgling. No word on a compain against the evils of Dora yet, though.
Claire: Steph, What have you got against me? I come back from a relaxing weekend and server downtime to find I've become public enemy number 1 again! Given your tendency to assault me, might I suggest that you pick me off _this_ time by vamping me, thus ensuring yourself an eternal foe. It would also be less costly in bullets!
As for stating that you do not stand for the true Armandian church, I haven't been on the group to propound such an opinion. What I did say in an email, was that over here in the UK, we remain untouched by the wicked lies and false reports being put about of a certain red-haired cherub getting slightly too much sun. Yet when I passed on this joyous news and suggested that Dan and Armand were doubtless just vacationing somewhere prior to their next assault of the global stock markets, I was vilified! I had thought that you would be overjoyed to know the coven still numbered 15 and that Memnoch was a figment of US readers' collective imagination! I even offered you sanctuary and therapy to overcome this disturbing conviction of yours that A was no longer with us. But if you choose to believe and indeed, convert others to the idea of his departure, I can only pray for you, for one who has lost her way and is now leading others astray...beguiled by the empty pomp and ritual of a false faith.
And now like any new faith, you seek to strengthen your position by forcible conversion of unbelievers. Already, copies of your holy book are destined for Europe, Asia, even Australia, where the truth still prevails. No doubt you'll paint a noble, chivalric picture of bringing light to the ungodly, when in fact your gospel brings only fear and despair. How long will it be before we see the Unholy Armandian Inquisition spread its dark shadow through the free world?
Ginger: ROTFL!!
Well it's about time. It's been far too long since the last inquisition, if you ask me!
VIVA THE GOD ARMAND!! All others shall be crushed!!
CCJ: Why does the subject line say 'Holy Roman....'? As for the Inquisition... It's coming, never fear... (-:
Steph: Hello Fellow Worshipers of Armand, Armand has cast a new decree: All followers of the Unholy Roman Armandian Curch of the Living Saints must make thier lifes aim to defeat the decietful and evil forces of Dora the Gorgon. The Louisian forces, under the command of General Williams, have signed an alliance with the Armandian Church to see that this abhorance is disposed of. May our unholy alliance be successful and this threat stopped!
PS The war uniforms just came in. They have been neatly press, so try not to get them wrinkled.
CCJ: Yes! We shall be Victorious! Praise be a Armand!
Steph: Okay, appearently our Popess, Vanessa, has altered the crusade plans and negleted to tell the commander and chief of her army. We will not be going after the Louisian forces. REPEAT: We will NOT be going after the Louisian forces. We have shifted our target to a more sinister, dark, evil force...That of the annoying Dora! Armand is on our side, she shall be destroyed! AHAHAHAHAhahahahaha!
Vanessa: Oh! Who said that I changed my plans? I would never do such a thing without notifying you first, my darling Steph!
We are putting the Lousian wars on hold, but they will be fought!!!
Steph: We can't do that Vanessa! We signed an alliance with the Louisian forces! Armand would never break that alliance without just cause.
Vanessa: And yes, we'll be fighting Dora!!!
Steph: Of Course!
LadyBD: Oh yes. Now _that's_ more like it! Heh heh heh. Dora shall fall into the flames of dawn, for the greater glory of His Most Impishness!
Rose: Yay! We are armed and ready to face this evil scourge that has tried to destroy our beloved Armand! Death to the Televangelist!
CCJ: Woo-hoo!!! All ahead for our great Master!!!
Steph: Once again,
FOR THE GREATER GLORY OF ARMAND!
Rose: ALL HAIL ARMAND!
CCJ: HAIL ARMAND!!!
Steph: And BTW, the Louis thing was not my idea, I was just obeying the Popess. Why do I always have to play the heavy?
LadyBD: Because you are the Cardinalette and that's your job, dear. See? It's in your contract. Right here. *Evil Grin*
Rose: It's okay, dearest Cardinalette, we know you'd never really want to kill Louis. He is too gorgeous to let die!
Vanessa: yes, it was MY command. Anyone has a problem with it, huh? Claire? *evil grin*
Steph: And it was denied by Armand himself.
Carolyn: Oh dear!...On behalf of Lestat I find that I must step in and deal with all these less-than-veiled threats against the pure personage and glossy black Cleopatra style hairdo of his latest beloved, Dora...
I warn you...I am authorized by the Brat Prince himself to use the most treacherous, dastardly means to assure the safety of the lady in question...
Down with the Inquisition!
LadyBD:You have been led astray, heretic! Denounce this foul pretender, and return to the arms of the mother church! FOR THE GREATER GLORY OF ARMAND!!
Carolyn: But LadyBD...you know I'd do *anything* for Lestat....;)....how can I possibly denounce her?
LadyBD: True. While I grieve over the side you've taken, I can't help but admire your loyalty.
CCJ: Death to the woman! Even the Brat Prince will not stop us!
ALL HAIL ARMAND!!!!
LadyBD: *perks up her ears, sees the ensuing conversation, and decides (in the best Lestat tradition) to take charge. Rushes to the steps of the Cathedral and draws her special, flaming sword (which she keeps on hand for just such occasions) and announces...*
"Hear me now, all ye faithful!! The dreaded wench, Dora, shall be hunted down like the rabid dog she is! Her crime is spreading vile lies regarding our most beloved Armand! Lestat de Lioncourt, once our trusted friend and ally, has betrayed us in this crusade! This betrayal grieves me, but nothing may be allowed to stand between us and our crusade! DEATH TO DORA!!"
Claire: Not this again! Please would HRAC define its chain of command and current "wanted" list, it's playing havoc with my social calendar. I had just mailed Carolyn about her misguided defence of Dora (keeping up my side of the Louisian/Armandian alliance) but if you're gunning for us too, hell I shall join my fellow heretic and overlook her questionable taste in heroines. I "think" Susie is still with me on this, Susie? BTW, why am I always singled out,Nessa ? Other people like and will defend Louis: Bunicula, Jeri, countless others....
Steph: No need to get in a tissy Claire, we are NOT gunning for you anymore. We plan to keep our part of the alliance. BTW, thanks for setting Carolyn straight, I would hate to have to call an inquisition on her.
LadyBD: Nessa, oh great and glorious Popess in all things Armand, Claire is our sister, for heaven's sake! I've heard of sibling rivalry, but really! ;) Louis is beloved of our Armand - why the continued crusade against the Beautiful One? Civil war is an ugly thing...
Buni: I'm afraid if this church proceeds to suggest hurting Monsieur du Lac I will be forced to defect!
CCJ: We won't- We've made peace with the Louisian forces. Dora's our only target (for now). Would we ever hurt someone Our Lord loves so dearly?
Claire: Personally, I think it would be a lot simpler if we just confined Nessa and Dora to the wall for a while: either Nessa will rend Dora limb from limb or Dora will bore Nessa into a period of relative calm, leaving Stephanie unhindered in her directing of the Church. Either result would be beneficial.
LadyBD: AACK! Not the wall!! That should be used only for the most dire emergencies! Claire, Nessa - peace! Or I'll sic Lestat on the both of you. *grin* Yeah, I know, with threats like that... ;)
Steph: I was thinking more of boiling oil...er...I mean NO! No, we can't do that to Dor...I mean Vanessa. As much as I am flattered by your obvious good taste in ecumenical leaders, Claire, I stand by my Popess, content to pull the strings behind the robes.
Mick: I'm in charge of the torturing, right?
LadyBD: Right. And the Wednesday night B-B-Q.
CCJ: I thought it was a potluck... Now I'm confused...
LadyBD: It is a potluck. Mick just tends the BBQ pit, in case folks bring stuff for the grill. Ah, the sight of her happily prodding those hunks of flesh - brings a tear to the eye.
Buni: Ummm... There will be a salad bar, right? :::wiggling nose, thumping foot:::::
Mick: And here I thought a Buni with fangs would be a carnivore rather than a herbivore... ):}=
Mick: And can I wear my valkyrie breast plates with the uniform? It goes so well with my axe and other edged weapons.
LadyBD: *blink* I thought that _was_ your uniform!
Mick: Oh, and we're going to shave Dora's head first, right?
LadyBD: Well, now there I take exception. I thought the plan was to pluck her bald, one hair at a time. It will take a while, but the results will be worth it. *Evil Grin*
Julia: Oooh, ooh, can I bring the tweezers, pretty please? I've got several lovely pair that I've been just dying to put to good use!
And we *are* going to tie her up, right? I could bring some wrist restraints, but that might be too kind. Good, old fashioned handcuffs are probably best. They dig in really well when the victim starts to struggle. I really want to see that b***h suffer.
see y'all at the potluck--I'll be the one with the salad and tweezers clipped to the belt!
Mick: This is going to be such fun. I can tell already!
Claire: Might I suggest that it's time the Archbishopess got back to her other role - Prophetess of the divine revelation as revealed in Cleveland, Ohio. I refer of course to that Memnoch Chronicle we both accept as true: set in the Brazilian jungle. Not only is Memnoch better looking but Louis has been staked out for a considerable time, and I'm concerned about the menu at these Wednesday night barbecues!
Also, Mick in her role as Archbishopess, appears to have become worldly and materialistic, what is all this concern with garments etc. (I see she's still her sweet self on the torture side.) A strict 40 days fasting on top of a mountain somewhere would do wonders for focussing her mind, I'm sure. Just get her to leave that breastplate at home, or she'll be the one getting the grilling.
(Continued (more or less) in TURAC - Gathering the Faithful)