Something's Missing
By The Vampire Phillip
March 2002






This night was like any other night. The moon was high, the clouds seemed to dance, and the streets of New Orleans were filled with the voices of people below. However, something seemed out of place. Something seemed missing. And there was an ever persistent knocking from which direction I could not locate.

It occurred to me that the knocking had been ongoing for some time. My ears reverberated with it, and I realized that even in the death sleep I had become irritated. The mere presence of this noise was an irritation. I longed to scream from my room, but I restrained myself because I did not want to wake the others. Reigned in by pride, I contained my fury, and tried to think rationally for a change. Violent images suddenly flooded my brain. Something about a sharp object and massive blood loss were present, however obscurity encompassed the whole situation. But these visions were not the only things bothering me. My coffin seemed to be engulfed in some sort of liquid, for when I rolled over I could hear the tiny splashing beneath my body and noticed the dampness all about me. I assumed the visions were from some nightmare vision, and this precipitation was also a result of this ordeal.

Obviously anything I had been wearing were now unfit. Therefore, I must wake the others immediately. A shopping spree! David and Louis must wake immediately – damn the death sleep to hell! These old rags will never do. I seemed to be in the mood for a nice tight wife beater, a pair of latex pants, and a pair of knee-high boots that would makes others drool at me on a physical level as well as the mental level that all are attracted to me on.

Oh well, time is of the hour. I couldn't stay in my coffin forever dreaming of my new not yet purchased pants and the way in which they show off the curves of my ass. In one swift move I was able to kick the lid off of my coffin like a child kicking a can. Sometimes preternatural strength can be fun! I rose from my resting place, smoothing my ruffled hair back and wiping away the sweat from my brow. Truly that dream must have been awful, though I still couldn't recall any of it save for the fleeting images. No true details were traceable, which was peculiar in itself. But I chose not to trouble myself with such stupid and trivial things as a dream when my clothes were in such disarray.

First, I shall wake David. He's too young to already get in that annoying habit of Louis' of sleeping in forever and wasting precious time. For the night is too short and seconds slip by faster than any sand found in any hourglass. In short, David must wake, and he must wake immediately. I stood, arranging the shirt, if one can call it that after such a mess, and moved with my cat-like skills down the hall toward David's chamber. I noticed a light under the door, and was surprised that David was already awake. It seemed peculiar, but then I thought of course he is awake already, for he is my fledgling and clearly the strongest one I have ever made. My dear little David is more than a match for even Khayman, or so I tell him. It's good to build up the ego in one so young. For combined with the knowledge he possesses this one could truly go far. However, none will ever compare with the skills and innate knowledge I have mastered since that night I first found myself in the arms of Magnus.

Lestat approached the door tentatively, wondering what David could be up to, when a strange knocking sound reached his ears. He paused before entering and looked through the keyhole to find David sitting at a workbench upon a small stool carving, of all things, little wooden gnomes with tiny red hats and blue jackets. Lestat was more than amused and decided to play a little trick upon poor dear David. Being skilled in the art of ventriloquism, Lestat made his voice seem to rise from the tiny drain located in David's bathroom shower. A voice calling for help came from this unlikeliest of places. It started off low, and gradually climbed in volume until David was made aware of the sound. David quickly dropped his tiny wooden hammer and chisel, moving to the bathroom with lightning speed where he immediately responded, "Is someone there?"

Again, the voice arose from the drain. This time, not only asking for help but calling David by name. This puzzled him, but I was having much fun with it. I couldn't help myself, and dragged the conversation out for over thirty minutes. I told David that that I had somehow taken a shower and once moist slipped down the drain. I needed his assistance to escape from this sludge-infested hell. I also informed David that I was not alone. I had discovered another that had been taken by the pipe as well. This other was a scarecrow, a man made of straw with a woodenhead and painted eyes that constantly kept asking me about the meaning of life! Though redundant, the being seemed to have some sort of intellectual capacities; after all, he was a man of straw still intact within a damp drain. It was obviously an accomplishment of sheer will and intelligence. But that's enough about the scarecrow; I told David that a plunger might be more effective than his constant query about my surroundings.

Being the obedient fledgling that he is, David was still plunging at the drain when I casually walked up behind him and asked him what the hell he was doing to the shower. He immediately turned around, his voice crisp despite his surprise and embarrassment, "Lestat, you are such an asshole!"

I bowed. "Why thank you, David, but compliments really aren't necessary. I get them too often as it is."

As he fumed, I went to awaken Louis. I had already wasted too much time and my clothes were extremely uncomfortable. They chafed me in all sorts of places. I still had the feeling, though something was missing or out of place; but I couldn't ponder it with Louis still lollygagging in his coffin. I entered Louis' chamber, as I've done a thousand times before, jumped upon the top of his coffin, and said, "Knock, knock!"

Louis quickly replied, "Lestat! Leave me alone! You know I hate these foolish games … and my hands are sort of full right now."

Outraged at that impetuous tone of voice coming from Louis of all people, I demanded again, "Louis, get out of that coffin!"

He responded, "Come back later."

Lestat suddenly noticed a trail of blood from the flowerbox outside Louis' window leading towards his coffin. Had he somehow been injured during the day, or had Louis been out hunting already and encountered a mortal he could not restrain? "Louis, are you alright?" For some reason, there was no response and I asked again. "Louis, are you in there? Speak to me, dammit!" Still there was no answer save for a whimpering, almost erotic sound from the coffin. I became concerned, fearing that me dear Louis was injured and had fallen into shock, as though in his pride, despite intense pain, Louis refused help of any kind. This I could not allow.

I raised my fist and smashed the lid of the coffin. A bit melodramatic, I know, but it still got the point across and was quite effective. However, what I saw was not what I expected. Louis seemed to be pleasuring himself with some foreign object, and when I asked to see it he tried to hide it under his pillow, "No, you can't have it. I found it and it's mine, Lestat. I found it in my flowerbox and it is legally mine."

"God dammit, Louis, here I was worried about you being hurt or dead or something and I find you shoving something up your ass. I'm already pissed, don't make it worse."

At this point, David entered. He stopped in his tracked at the sight of Louis' smashed coffin and the object in question, and eyed the two of us. He asked, "Is this a bad time?"

I admit the situation looked pretty ridiculous, though I refused to be undaunted. "Oh, go play with that scarecrow in the drain, or build some more little wooden gnomes, or something, David! Your timing is atrocious, not to mention your deformed fashion sense."

David gave me a look. "Really, Lestat, I didn't invent that scarecrow. You can blame Pandora for that."

"What part of get the fuck out do you not understand, David. I'm speaking English, you should be able to comprehend it, so follow my advice and haul ass!"

"Umm, excuse me," Louis said, "but can the two of you go fight somewhere so I can finish what I was doing? In my opinion, you both have terrible timing."

I glared, "Oh stop whining, Louis! After centuries don't you think I'm tired of that shit?"

David chose that moment to exit the room, leaving Louis and I to quarrel amongst ourselves. His footsteps could be heard as he passed down the corridor and back towards his own chamber. I felt bad for the anger I had advanced towards David, but more important issues were at hand, the main one being Louis and whatever that item was he had hidden under his coffin pillow. I was annoyed at my own protectiveness and the fact that he would find pleasure in some inanimate object when I was only a few steps away. "Louis, I demand as your maker that you show me what's under that pillow."

Louis showed me his arm. I growled in response. "You know what I'm talking about, idiot!"

His response was predictable, yet unacceptable in my mind. I had the uncontrollable desire to see what exactly it was that could make Louis challenge my authority. I snatched the thing from him, he is so much weaker that I, and shot him a triumphant smile before gazing down at the prize. My face fell instantly, the triumph replaced by disgust, then fury. "You sicko! Where did you get this?"

He raised his chin in defiance, standing and trying to look dignified despite his condition. "If you must know, it fell from the sky and landed, as I told you earlier, in my flowerbox."

I glared at him. "Do you think this is some sort of a game? Even I wouldn't do something so disgusting! You don't know where this has been!"

He gave a wry smile. "Oh but I do!"

"We have got to seek professional help for you, Louis. There is something seriously wrong with you."

Louis laughed lowly. "Well if I am the measure by which you rate lunacy, then you have damned yourself to a far worse category."

I admit, my voice was louder than necessary when I responded. "I have no idea what you're going on about, Louis, but I'll have you know that I am perfectly sane and normal… for a vampire anyway."

"Well," Louis went on, "there is one thing I do know, and that is that the object you hold in your hand is far more satisfying than anything that currently resides in your pants; therefore I must demand it back. It was abused by its previous owner, and I know that I can give it a good home."

Lestat stared at the detached phallus in his hand, bewildered. "I have no idea what you're talking about." The sight of the object however seemed familiar in some primitive way. There was something strange about it, as though he were seeing something from a whole new angle. It was as though this object had been in my hands before. But who was its owner? Then a sudden, horrific thought crept into my mind. It was unshakable once it occurred to me, and I couldn't refrain from asking, "Did you do this to yourself, Louis?"

His laughter was unexpected. "Does it belong to David, then?"

Louis responded, with a sly remark. "No, and I will say that it doesn't belong to that damn scarecrow living in David's shower drain either. Think back, Lestat. Did anything… unusual happen last night?"

I took the time to think, though I can't say that I expected any good to come from it. Only the images from my nightmare seemed to revisit my mind. More images of blood and sharp objects… something about weakness in the knees…

I stared at the thing in abject horror. No wonder something felt out of place. Something damn well was missing. This dick belonged to none other than I, the Vampire Lestat!

I did what anyone in my position would do – I dropped it and screamed.

I hit my head on something hard and wooden. It was dark, but I blinked anyway to push back the feeling of disorientation. I reached down and checked myself finding everything intact. My incredible endowments were hard as ever. Nothing was missing. A dream then, and I was so relieved! I leapt from my coffin and ran to Louis' room, flinging back the lid and discovered Louis just as normal and boring as ever. I snatched him up and pulled him into a wild dance. He kicked at me furiously. "Lestat, put me down! You impetuous bastard! What is the meaning of this?"

I grinned, patting his head. "Nothing at all. Just happy to see you."

"Oh, well then if that's all. Well I'm happy to see you happy and whole."

I laughed. "You have no idea how funny you are, Louis dear!"

His eyes were filled with laughter as he continued, "By the way, you must have a talk with David sometime. He's absolutely mad!"

I paused in my dance, allowing Louis to finally put his feet on the ground. "What do you mean?"

He looked up at me, disoriented from the spinning but still crafty as ever. "He has the peculiar notion that a scarecrow is living in his shower drain."



The End