Spoiler: Up through TVA
Warnings: This spec, contains scenes of an adult nature, so if you are underage, or could be offended by explicit m/m situations, do us both a favor, and stop reading now.
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit amateur effort. Anne Rice owns the vamps, please don't sue.

He has replaced me .... and I still cannot believe it.

Like there has never been something between us ... no love ... no passion ... nothing. Did I mean nothing to him? Maybe I have been only a toy for him ... a mortal toy, who has lost all his attraction by becoming a vampire.

"...can no more stand my companion ...", these are the words, which he used in his book. Didn't he know how wrong he is? I love him more than ever ... and I miss him.

But maybe it works the other way, maybe he is the one, who doesn't love me anymore, and maybe he never has.

.... I only wish, I could stop thinking about him ... it's too painful ... but there is no way, to forget this memories, they always come back.

My demon with the face of an angel, and I, the devils minion - but this is past.

12 years of my mortal life I've spent with him, and finally he has captured my heart, and my soul ... I would have given my life for him, and I still would.

I don't understand, what has happened. How could anything drive us apart?

For a short time, after he has given me the dark gift, we have been so close, and full of love for eachother.

Some months after the incident with Akasha, everything has changed.

I was happy for my lover, that he and Marius have found eachother again - a chance for a new beginning for them both. But then Marius has left again. I don't know the reason for it, because neither of them has talked to me about this.

But at last, the reason would not change anything ... he has left, and only this is important for the following events, which have shattered my life.

From the moment of Marius' departure everything became worse.

Our life together becomes more and more difficult. It didn't matter, whatever I tried, everything was wrong for him. If Armand was not looking for trouble with me, it could happen, that he wouldn't speak to me for weeks ... and if he broke the silence, I could be sure, that the next step would be another fight about trifles.

I don't know what the reasons for this had been ... but I guess, that that he needed someone to call to account for Marius' leaving. And because of my closeness, I was now the one, to carry this package.

I don't believe, that his intention was to hurt me ... at last I don't hope so ... this was not longer the vampire, with which I have fallen in love.

But even he caused me so much pain with his actions, I could not leave him ... deep down I have hoped, that everything would change for better, if I only would give him time. But instead of an improving, it became worse.

After a short time, there was nothing left of the closeness, that was between us once. He has shout me out completely, and for me there was no way to reach him anymore.

I couldn't endure this situation much longer - something had to change ... we needed to talk. I wanted to hear the reasons he had to treat me like this ... I needed to explain my feelings concerning this ... and at last, I needed to know, what was really left of his feelings for me ... I wanted to hear, that he still is in love with me ... and this time, I would not allow him to delay this necessary conversation, I would not only make him listen to me, but also speak to me.

With this decision I went to look for him, and as I could not find him,I thought, that he was already out to hunt ... and because of my own growing hunger, I went hunting on my own. Not wanting to waste too much time, I took the first human which crossed my way, and rushed back, only to see, that Armand hadn't returned yet., and so I waited for him in the library, lost in memories of our past .....

..... Garden District New Orleans, where I was looking for Lestat ...

and there he stood in the hallway, an imitation of an beautiful mortal boy ... long curly auburn hair and deep dark eyes, in which I could lose myself, if I would not be careful ... in this moment I was really sure, that I would not live long enough to see another day.

But I have survived, and my whole life changed from this moment. At first my useless attempts, born out of fear, to escape him by traveling around the world, and then, after four years, finally in Italy ... where he was waiting for me at the Villa of Mysteries ... this soft lips on my own, his gentle touch, to be hold in his embrace, and this soft voice speaking of love... and finally the blood.

From this night, we stayed and traveled together ... he, my demon, and I, the devils minion ... a life between passion, love and desire.

I wanted to be with him eternally, I wanted to be lost in his love for ever, and finally I have got what I wanted ......

Shaking these thoughts away, I could feel the death sleep coming, and still no sign of my lover ... where could he be??

But I couldn't wait any longer, and so I went to my own sun - secured room, falling asleep.

As soon as I woke up the next night, I looked again for Armand, but still no sign and so I went to search for him to all the places in Miami, where we ever have been, but without success.

As the night come to an end, I went again back home, still hoping that he would be there by now ... but no Armand ... I was alone.

Not understanding what happened, I felt into my bed, crying, till the death sleep claimed me once more.

I don't know how long I have lived this way, but one day I could not close my eyes any longer for the obvious. He would not return to me, he has left for good - without a word or an explanation .

And with this cruel assurance my nightmare began. I left Night Island a short time later, I couldn't endure to stay there longer ... to many memories, wherever I went there ...

My wanderings started again, only with the difference, that I was really alone for the first time of my life. I still existed, but don't lived anymore, I could not allow myself to think about him, or about what just has happened, these memories and feelings would have killed me, and so I shout myself down ...

Its a terrible irony, but Armands' prediction has become true, I hated my life now .... but for other reasons, than he has put forward to me.

And so I went on, night for night. Wandering around without destination, without really knowing were I was, or were I would go next.

I only wanted to forget everything ... but everyone who should have tried this, will know, that there is no way, to escape such painful memories for a long time, they will always come back, and hunt you.

But pretending to be happy, to feel nothing of the pain, was the only way for me, not to got insane ... and even when I delude myself with it, it helps for short moments.

During all this time, I avoided successfully to meet other vampires of our coven. I didn't want to have a companion, I didn't want to listen to questions, to which I don't know an answer, I didn't want to show any of them my pain.

But one night, the wall, which I built around my suffering, broke down.

As always I went out to hunt after sunset, and after this aimless through the town, searching for something, which would help me to forget once more.

Coming to a bookshop, I decided, that a new book could possible be helpful for it, and so I went in. Looking around, my eyes fell on the newest books, and there it was:

"Memnoch the Devil" , a new tale by the Vampire Lestat.

Out of sheer curiosity I bought it ... to read about the other vampires, could at last not hurt.

If I only would have known, how wrong I was, I would have run away, as fast as any possible, and never touched a book again. But to this time, I have had no clue, what else destiny would have in store for me, and so I took my book, and went to my present home, were I begun to read.

Still smiling about his high handed introduction, a wave of pain and jealousy comes over me, as I read about Lestat and Armand ... Armand has always loved him, and yearned for his companion ... and I ... I was left alone by him ... and this, even I love him more than everything else ....

Not wanting to think more about this, I continued.

I could not believe it, Lestat has not only met the devil, but also been in heaven and hell ... this sounds so incredible .... Could it really be true, or was it only in his mind?? Really caught by his tale, I could not stop, till I reached the last chapters.

Nobody can ever imagine, what was going through me, as I reached the part, were Lestat met again with David and Armand, to tell them the whole story .... to read, which impact it has had on my beloved Armand.

Bursting out into tears, I tossed the book aside. No, this could not be true ... all this must be a terrible lie, or a cruel joke ... Armand would never do such a thing, he would never go into the sun, only because of a piece of cloth and an improbable tale ... this must, no it has to be a lie .... and at last, he would have never done such a thing, without saying good-bye to me before, wouldn't he??

But even it was a lie, I could not bring myself to calm down, the pain, of what I've just read was too strong, and as I felt the sunrise coming, I felt still crying on my bed, the first time really grateful for the death sleep, which would protect me from thinking more about this terrible and cruel possibility of my lover's death.

Awakened from my death sleep, I was nearly sure, that the last night was only a part of my own imaginations .... maybe a dream .... a nightmare, but nothing more, maybe a bit disturbing, but nothing which could hurt me in real life.

With this reassuring thoughts, I was finally ready to raise for the night, but there it laid, straight in front of me, on the dusty floor, were I've tossed it yesterday. The damned book!

Fighting back my tears and my trembling, which got over me by the certainty, that all this has really happened, I tried to clear my thoughts, to decide, what I should do next.

OK, there was the book, in which I could read in cold print Lestats' tale, but even if it was written there, it doesn't mean automatically that it must also be the truth .... and now it was on me, to find out, that this book was only a fairy tale.

Please don't understands me wrong, I would never call Lestat a liar, but to this moment, this

possibility was the only thing, which prevented me for losing my mind ...

To get assurance, it would be necessary, to get in contact with the other vampires of our coven, but was I really ready to face them? No, not really. And so I tried at first, to reach them in mind, to catch snatches of their thoughts, which would tell me more. I opened my mind completely for the first time in the past years, but without success, no sign of other immortals, I was alone.

"Then I guess, I have to go, to find them.", I said to myself, not even sure, where I should start with my search.

Taking up the book, which brought me in this situation, I began to read the last chapter, to find out the last location of the Vampire Lestat, because, who else could give me better answers, than the one who has written this book.

So, he was back in New Orleans, I really must have been deranged, that I didn't guess this on my own - he always went back to New Orleans ....

The night was still young, and so I begun my journey to the heart of my personal nightmare.

Once in New Orleans, it doesn't take me long to find the Rue Royale, and so the townhouse, which was Lestat's and Louis permanent home. But no sign of life was here, neither Louis or Lestat, nor any other vampire.

Disappointed, and anxious I made my way to the last left change to find them - the coven.

And for the second time in my life, I followed the description of a book to find Lestat.

To any other time, I wouldn't have rushed, and let me time, to admired the beauty of this town. It was my second time here, but like before, my thoughts were fixed on other points, then on my surroundings.

Turning in the Napoleon Avenue, my gaze felt on it. An old brick building, majestically looming up, like a guard about everything else here.

Breathing deeply, I approached the coven faster than I would have liked it. The closer I came to it, the more my edginess grew ... it was like a dark premonition, even I couldn't explain it to myself. Walking on a sidewalk, between old oaks, I reached a beautiful chapel.

I don't know, why my way led me here, it's long ago, that I've really believed in God, or prayed, so why I felt so attracted to this building?? Without thinking more about it, I went in.

Unbelieving I looked at the picture in front of me. Hundreds of candles had been lit, which dip everything in a warm, but unrealistic light. And there in front of the altar, I could see him.

Lestat, laying on the floor, without any sign of life in him.

What has he done, what has happened to him?? How could he lay there, without consciousness? Maybe he really met the devil? Maybe he really went to heaven and hell, and this was now the result of it?? But if this would be true, than the rest of his book could be also ....

This thought let the tears in me well up again, fighting against them, I went further in, to get a better view on him. But before I could reach the altar, someone grabbed my shoulders, stopped me on my way to Lestat.

"Don't, Daniel, he will destroy you, if you come to close ....", I heard a soft voice saying. On the verge of tears, I turned around, to face the vampire in front of me.

Trying to remember the name of the vampire in front of me, I felt myself being turned away from the the sight of the unconscious Lestat. Slowly remembering, I muttered:" Santino." Nodding in approval he said:" Yes, I am."

I was struggling against his touch in a useless attempt to get free: " Let me go, I need to talk to Lestat, I need to know ... the book ... Armand ....", not longer able to control my emotions, I burst out into tears.

"You have read the book?? You shouldn't have found out about it this way ....", he said more to himself, then to me, "Hush, young one, try to calm down ...."

Letting myself pulling in an embrace, I cried: " No, please, tell me, that this isn't true, tell me, that all this is only a lie, or a nightmare ... it can't ... he would never ... he can't never have done such a thing! Not he, not Armand ....", as I don't got an answer, I pulled myself free of his hug, and raised my head to meet his eyes, but a look in this black eyes, filled with sorrow now, was enough, no more words were needed, to get certainty about the cruel truth.

"No ... please not ...", I couldn't stand this anymore, and so I fought myself free of him, ready to run away from this terrible reality. But before I could reach the exit, he grabbed me again:" No, I can't let you take your leave; you are too mixed up, and I will not permit that something happens to you. Armand would not like it either, he loved you ... he really did, Daniel!"

Loved me?? If he really loved me, he had never done this ...

"Why Santino?? Please tell me, I need to know, I need to understand ..."

"I don't know, Daniel. I wish I could explain it, I wish I could tell you more, but I can't ..."

Sobbing I let myself be pulled back in Santino's arms:" I can't stand this any longer, I need to go ... I ... I don't care about my own life anymore, with his dead I've lost the most precious thing in my life ... Armand was my life!! I cannot endure the pain, its too strong ... everything seems so senseless, so why should I continue. ...??"

In an attempt to soothe my sorrow, he softly strokes my back, but I could not stop thinking of my beloved one, I could not stopped crying. Too many and to fast changes in my life, and I really didn't knew how to deal with them, or how to endure them much longer, the grief was eating in me.

But I was grateful for his try to comfort me, I needed to know, that I was not alone, that I was safe, and he gave me these feelings . Maybe this were the reasons for the following events.

No, don't misunderstand me, this shouldn't be an excuse for anything, there is no reason to apologize for my actions, nor must I regret them. I felt lonely and shattered, and Santino was there to help and comfort me, and for this I will be forever grateful.

Being hold by Santino, I felt for the first time something like safety, since the drama had begun. Of course, it doesn't stop my sorrow about the terrible loose of my lover. This would have been impossible, but it helped to alleviate the cold loneliness which has caught me.

"When ... when did it happen?"

"I don't know exactly, I've not been there, but it must be over a year now ...."

More than a year, since my lover has gone into the sun, over a year as he has chosen death for life, as he has made a decision against me ... all this time he has been dead, and I've known nothing ...

"Why ....", I asked nearly shouting, "Why nobody has told me about this? Why did I have to read a stupid book, to find out about my lover's death?? Does no one of this damned coven thought it necessary to tell me??"

"Daniel ...", he cut my outburst off, "all have tried to contact you, but nobody could find or reach you, it was like you've disappeared in thin air ..."

There was nothing for me to reply to this. He was right. All the time I have carefully avoided to meet other vampires. I have shut myself completely down, I didn't want to be found ... and I've had a good teacher in this. Armand my maker and lover has been a master in it ....

No, I didn't want to think about him yet ... too painful this memories and thoughts. And I was sure, that they would kill me, if I could not stop them.

A weakness which comes over me, reminded me of the coming sunrise. I should go, and try to find a shelter. But I was afraid of going away, afraid of being alone again in this nightmare, alone in it with my thoughts, my memories and my pain.

Reading my mind, Santino pulled me closer and stroked softly my hair, to soothe the scare and pain in me:" You must not be alone, Daniel. If you wish, you can stay here with me ...".

Sobbing in his arms I replied:" Thank you, Santino. I ... I couldn't endure to be alone yet ... ".

Releasing me out of his hug, he took my hand and led me out of the chapel, to the main house and into his refuge.

Complete worn out by the past events, and the coming sunrise, I allowed him to guide me to a bed in the middle of the small room.

"Lay down Daniel, you are completely safe here ...", and with this words he pushed me softly on the inviting bed.

Sitting besides me, he brushed a soft kiss on my brow:" Sleep well, young one!".

Raising up from the bed, Santino was ready to go, to find his own shelter for the upcoming sun. But before he could turn around, I've grabbed his arm, I was so afraid of being left alone again :" Please, don't go Santino. Stay with me together today, I ... I don't want to be alone ...", I begged him, while my tears flows again.

"Hush, don't cry caro! If you really wish it, I will stay with you ."

Relieved, as he laid himself down beside me, I let myself be pulled in his arms, and closed my eyes, as the death sleep claimed me.

Awaking the next evening, I felt confused, but also more relaxed, than anytime in the past years. Sitting up, I looked around in the unfamiliar surroundings, while I tried to remember where I was, and how I've got here.

"Good evening!", I heard a gentle voice beside me," I hope you've slept well, young one?!"

Turning around, my eyes fell on Santino. One look in his black eyes, filled with concern now, was enough, to bring the memories of the last night back.
My arrival in New Orleans, the coven, the unconscious Lestat in front of the altar, the cruel assurance of my lover's death, the strong pain because of this, and Santino, who has not only been with me, but also tried to comfort me.

Being caught napping by this memories, I closed my eyes in a useless try to shut them out, and fell back on the bed.

"Daniel?", Santino ask worried.

"The pain ..., Santino, it's too strong. It will tear me up ... I don't know, if I can endure it much longer, it seems so senseless, and impossible to go on....", I whispered, while my tears flew once more.

Pulling me in his strong arms, he spoke with a soft voice:" I know caro, it always hurt to loose a loved person ...", stroking my hair out of the eyes, he continued, " ... the pain will never leave you completely, but it is possible, to overcome it, to learn to live again. Armand has loved you, and because of his deep love for you, he would not want, that you follow him in death, he would wish that you learn to live again ... I am sure, that he would love to see you happy again!"

Leaning back in his embrace, I thought about what Santino has said.

Maybe he was right, but could I really do it? Could I live again, even with the certainty of never seeing him again?

My growing hunger cleared my mind from this thoughts. I haven't fed yesterday, and so I was nearly starving now, I needed to feed badly.

"Of course, you must be hungry, Daniel. We should go out to hunt ... or would you prefer to go alone?", he asked reading my mind.

"No!! I mean, I would prefer to hunt together with you ...", and this was the truth, the thought of being alone again, let me feel worse.

"Then we should go, I would not like to see you starving ....", and with this he raised up and took my hand to lifting me up also.

Once in the town, we found our victims fast, two young runaways, which crossed our way.

I was so hungry, that I drained the boy in front of me in an instant. Turning around to Santino, I was confronted with a breathtaking sight.

The tall and beautiful Italian vampire was kneeling on the street, holding his victim in a loving embrace, while he was drinking. Eyes closed in ecstasy of the flowing blood, the long black hair falling over his face - a sight of pure eroticism.

Armand and I didn't hunt together often, and so I've nearly forgotten, how sensual it could be, to watch an other vampire during this intimate act.

Feeling my gaze, Santino raised his head, and looked at me with his deep black eyes. "Still hungry, Daniel?", he asked," we could share this one ..."

Oh yes, I was hungry, but it was an other kind of hunger, than you suppose in this moment, I thought to myself, while I approached. Not breaking the eye contact, I kneeled beside him. Pulling him in an embrace, I captured his sensuous lips with my own for a deep kiss.

Maybe you will ask now, why I have done it, only such a short time after my lover's death. Maybe you will think, that I have never really loved Armand, or that I am a mindless, sex obsessed creature, but in the end, nothing of this is right. I loved Armand deeply, but I felt also lonely, wretched out, unloved and unimportant. Armand has chosen death for a life with me, for my love ... and this is not a good way, to let ones own self - esteem grow, believe me.

And then there was Santino, who has been there for me, who has comforted me and cared for me ... he gave me again a feeling of being important to someone ... and I don't believe, that anyone in the same situation would have been able to resist such a temptation, I am sure, you would have fallen for this beautiful and powerful vampire too, if you had been in my place.

Maybe you should think about all this, before you mean to judge about me ....

But for now let it be enough with such unimportant explanation, and let me continue with my story.

My desire grew, I wanted to taste more of him. Licking with my tongue over his now warm lips, he slightly parted his lips, to allowed my tongue in, to explore his mouth.

Moaning by the delicious taste of him, mingled with the taste of fresh blood, I sucked carefully on the sensitive inner rim of his lips, sending him shiver by this. After a long moment, in which our tongues danced together, Santino broke the kiss.

Breathless and shivering in anticipation, I looked in his inscrutable black eyes. With a feline grace of a beautiful animal, he raised on his feet, pulling me with him.

"You are so beautiful Daniel,and so seductive ...", he whispered in my ear, " ... but I don't want to do something, which you will regret later ...".

Instead of an answer, I pressed his muscular body tighter to my own, laying soft kisses across his face, till our lips met again for another burning kiss.

While my hands stroke over the soft ebony colored hair of the taller vampire, I sent in his opened mind:" You said, it is possible to overcome this nightmare, to learn to live again ... be my teacher, Santino, show me what it means ... give me what I need now ...".

Forcing himself free out of my hug, he looked into my eyes, and whispered with a voice full of passion, while unbuttoning my shirt slowly:" As you wish, beautiful Daniel, there is nothing, what I would like to do more at the moment ...".

Gasping as the cool night air stroke over my already inflamed body, I closed my eyes in ecstasy, while strong warm hands slipped under my open shirt, gentle up to my shoulders, urging my shirt to fall down.

An exceedingly hard spike of lust flaring up in me, let me cry out, as he begun to lightly kneed each of my breast, before he let his hands slide further down, to my legs, my ass, and finally settling on my hips, rubbing his hard erection, against my own hard one.

Tingling waves of passion coursed across my nerves, winged with the high sensitive state of my mind, I was completely lost.

Hungrily I captured his full lips again for a long kiss, while I tore his shirt apart. Releasing his mouth, I kissed a wet line on his bare sensitive skin, down his cheek, his neck, till I finally reached his chest. Lightly teasing his nipples with soft kisses, I felt his whole body tensing.

Growls of pleasure rumbled from his chest as I let my mouth wandering further down, skimming soft kisses over his belly, stopping at the waistband of his black leather pants.

Raising my head, to look in his lust filed eyes, I unfastened Santino's pant, after taking off his shoes, and pulled it down, to free his hard cock.

Looking at this beautiful vampire in front of me, a soft growl escaped me.

Grabbing his buttock firmly, I placed light kisses on the hard shaft in front of me, and the scrotum, to let his desire soaring.

Gasping my name, he freed himself out of my hold, to kneel beside me. While kissing me deeply, he forced me gentle on the ground.

"You know how to drive someone mad, beautiful one. But now it's enough of teasing me ...", he growled, while caressing my nipples with his fingers, till they were hard. Accompanied by my moans, he let his hands wander further down, till he reached my painful stimulated erection.

Pleasurable waves quickly swelled and exploded into sharp, almost painful shards of lust, as he slid a hand inside, and stroked down my shaft, with a firm gentle touch.

Taking off my shoes, followed by my pants, he begun to caress my erection with his tongue, let me helpless whimper by this sensation.

My body was shaking in lust, and craving for release. Turning around on my knees, I growled at him:"Please Santino, I need to feel you in me, and I want it now!"

Feeling him kneading my buttock, I moaned his name, as I felt his hard erection brushing softly against the tight ring of muscles.

Slowly Santino entered me, and I cried out by the unbearable pleasure, as he slowly begun to penetrate me, meeting every thrust of him, with my own.

As the thrust becomes more harder and deeper, he begun to stroke my cock in the same rhythm. I could feel my own orgasm approaching, as Santino continued, driving us both, moaning and growling, to ecstasy, two bodies tensing in desperate need for release.

Hearing him cry my name, I tilted my head to one side, to offer him my blood. As his fangs pierced my neck, we both reached our climax with a final thrust. Gasping I saw Santinos' wrist in front of me, biting into it, I complete the circle of our passion and lust.

Finally sated, I let myself be pulled back in Santino's arms, were I rested exhausted against him.

For a long time neither of us moved or spoke. I felt exhausted, but unlike the past days, it was now a healthy and peaceful exhaustion, born out of our intimacy, and not build out of the unthinkable sorrow in me.

I really enjoyed the nearness between us, it was so long ago, that I've laid together with someone, like we did it now.

"Daniel?", he interrupt my thoughts, with his soft, but now also concerned voice, "Are you all right?"

After a moment of hesitation about this odd question, I recognized, what he really was asking.

He was in worry, and maybe also afraid. Afraid that I would regret it now, and blame him for these happenings.

But how could he think this? I was the one who started this, I wanted him ... so why should I blame him for this?? But in the other way ... maybe his worries are not so far away. Maybe I SHOULD feel guilt or remorse, because I am laying here with Santino, only some hours, after I've heard about Armand's death .... Maybe I SHOULD feel guilty, because I have used him, to forget ... but these have not been the reasons, at last not the most important ones .

Sure, I've need this intimacy, it was long ago, that I've shared this kind of passion with Armand. And never before, since I've become a vampire, I was attracted to any other than him. He was my life, and even in the last months of our being together, as he has pushed me away more and more often, I've never thought about other vampires, to share this .... But there was also more, the sudden rise of passion to this beautiful and sensual vampire, and it seems simply right for me to act this way...

Even as I begun to search for such feelings in me, I could not find them ... no shame, or remorse. In the contrary, I felt good, satisfied, relaxed and safe with Santino around me.

Turning around, so that I could face him, I kissed him softly:" I am really fine, Santino ... and ... Thank you!"

Now smiling, he pulled me in his arms:" You are welcome, Daniel ... but I must also admit, that I really enjoyed it, you are not only beautiful, you are also really special. No wonder, that Armand broke his vow for you ... ."

Armand ..., no, I really don't want to think, or speak about him at the moment, and so I cut him off before he could continue:" Please, Santino. Stop it, I don't want to speak about him yet ... I only want ... let us enjoy the moment ..."

Softly stroking my hair out of my eyes, he looked thoughtfully and somehow sad at me:" Maybe you are right Daniel, maybe it would be better ... let us enjoy the moment of happiness, before it comes to an end ..."

To this time I didn't understood this sentence, I didn't know him well enough to understand the deeper meaning of it, and it should need some more time , before I really should know what this statement meant, special for him, but also for me.

"The sunrise isn't far away anymore, and we have to get rid of these two, before we go back ... ." He was right, I could already feel a weakness coming over me, and it would not need really long, till the death sleep would come over me. Nodding I raised to my feed, offering Santino my hand and pulled him up with me.

After getting ride of our victims, we walked silently back to the coven,both of us lost in his own thoughts.

Reaching the bedroom, I took his hand and pulled him with me to the bed, were we laid together down as the death sleep claimed me.

Opening my eyes the next evening, Santino was already awaken, holding me still in his arms.

"I hope you have slept well, little one.", he greeted me warmly, " I guess you must be hungry, so you should go out to hunt, and after this ... we will see ... we should have a talk ... ."

Yes, indeed, I was really hungry, like every young vampire I needed to feed every night.

But about what does he want to talk? Everything, what I needed to say, I have told him past night. And I meant every word of it ...

With him, I felt for the first time, since my lover has left me, complete. Even my sorrow about the loose of Armand was still vivid, and painful, I felt no longer the unbearable loneliness absorbing me.

There were reasons to try to live again, to continue with my life ...even it would not always be easy, and even I will never forget my beloved maker ...

But there was the question, if I could do it alone. I was afraid of leaving here, afraid of being left alone once more.

And so I let myself resting against him, and said:" Talking?? About what, Santino?? Everything what I've told you yesterday I meant. Help me to live again, show me, that there is more behind all this ... let me stay with you for some time .... please ... I could not endure to be alone, to be left once more ... not yet."

"Are you sure you want this, Daniel?? Maybe it would be better for you, if you would go your own way ..."

This words of him hurt me more, than I ever could admit. Santino did not wish to stay with me, he would also leave me, like Armand ... I must have something in me, which drives everyone away from me, it seems, that no one could stay my companion for a long time ... tears were welling up in my eyes by this self-destructive, and self-pity thoughts.

Pulling myself free out of his embrace, I sat up:" I should not have asked for this, it was a mistake ... I should take my leave now ...", I said more to myself, then to Santino.

"No Daniel, it is not, that I don't want to be your companion,", he replied reading my mind, and so my thoughts, "In the opposite, I would like to stay with you ... but I would be not the right person for you ... maybe you should try to find the others of our coven. You know about my stand in the coven, because of my own blame ... I can live with it, but I don't want you to become a part in this too!"

So, the past was the reason for it. Because of things which happened five centuries ago, we should not stay together.

Sure, I know what has happened - not from Armand, but from Lestat's first book - and certainly everyone could feel the tension between Santino and some other coven members, as we all met together by the event with Akasha, but this all happened so long ago, and everybody can regret and change. Why don't give someone a second chance, especially when the changes are obvious to everyone, like with Santino ... ??

But to hell with the others, this is my life, and so I must know what I want, and what will be the best for me. I really don't care what the others will say, they have no right to interfere in my life. This is a decision, which I have to make, and I want to be with Santino!

Turning around, I faced him for the first time this evening.

" Santino, I really don't care what they will say, or think. This is my life, and I must do what I want ...and I want to be with you ..., I whispered nearly inaudible:" please, don't leave me, I don't want to be alone again, I want to stay with you ... don't reject me, Santino ..."

I was never really good to express my feelings in words, and to emphasize what I've said before, I opened myself completely to him. I allowed him to see images of the past years of my life, the loneliness, the despair, the sorrow; images of my scares, but also of my desires and feelings. Hiding nothing, I let this emotions flow, together with my tears, only hoping, that Santino would understand me without more words.

And he does. Pulling me back in his arms, he strokes gently over my back:" You are sure about this, aren't you?? Then we should do it. I am really pleased about this, beautiful young Daniel ...", and with this he kissed me softly, not to awake passion, but to let me feel his nearness.

"Thank you, Santino. But now were we have settled this, I would like to go out, I am really hungry now ...", I smiled to him under tears.

------------

And with this the next part of my journey began, together with Santino by my side. He came with me, wherever I wanted to go and for the first time since this nightmare has begun, I felt again filled with life and hope.

But even when I learned to enjoy my immortal existence again, there were moments, in which I fell in this deep and absorbing hole of sorrow, which could kill me in an instant, if I only would give myself up to it ... but even in these dark moments I was never really alone. Santino was always there to help me, to show me a light in this cruel darkness, to lead me out of it, to comfort me.

But after about three years of mutual support, a special kind of love and shared passion I left him, for the reason which brought me here to New Orleans now. The latest book from one of our coven members was published; the book of The Vampire Armand.

*About 3 years, after Daniel's decision to stay with Santino:
Germany, Cologne

Santino and I were in Germany, as my new build life shattered again.

It was a warm spring night, as we went through the old part of Cologne. Admiring the old buildings, I bathed in the exclusive essence of the mortal life around me, as we passed a bookshop.

Since my own bad experience with the book Memnoch, I couldn't get anything out of books anymore. And if it would not have been for Santino, who was on the search for a new book, I would certainly never have entered. But so I went in. Bored I walked between the large and dusty wall units, filled with old and new books, which seem to swamp me.

To pass the time, and to divert the memories, which were coming up in me, I wandered around in the mind of the mortals in the shop. Using one of the vampire abilities, which I really enjoy. Not only, because it could be useful, but also, because it can be really interesting. But seemingly I was in the wrong place for interesting thoughts, all of them turned around the stupid books in here. Frustrated I made myself ready to leave, as a wave of shock hit me, completely unprepared. In the mind of a young girl, only some steps away from me, I stumbled across very known names, in combination with a new book :

The Vampire Armand

Shocked I let her mind go. No, this could not be true, I must have read something wrong, I thought to myself, as I approached beside her.

Letting my eyes wanders about the books, I recognized immediately the ones, which were written by my own coven members. Beginning with IwtV, the one, in which I wrote down the night-long interview with Louis, the book, which brought me to Armand in the end. And even Memnoch the Devil, Lestat's latest book, which nearly destroyed my life, was there.

But this was not all, two new books have been added to the collection, the first new one, written by Pandora was not of real interest for me, but the second one, named The Vampire Armand caught my interest for obvious reasons.

Trance- like I reached for the book, and took it out of the shelf.

And there it was written in black on white. Fast reading the first pages, I got assurance, it was the life story of my beloved, but presumed dead Armand. Dedicated from him, to David, who wrote it down ...

If I would have been a mortal, I would have certainly passed out by the shock. Looking at the words in front of me, without reading anything, I tried to clear my mind, to collect my thoughts ... Armand hasn't died, he is still alive! But this can't be true, he went into the sun, how could he survive this??

Suddenly I couldn't breath anymore, I needed to get out of there immediately, away from the book shop, away from everything in there. And so I grabbed the book, and ran out without paying, not even hearing the sales clerk, who was shouting after me. But even I would have heard him, I wouldn't have cared. I only wanted to leave this place, to find a quiet corner, and to read the book.

Holding the book tightly against my rib cage, I made my way to the Rhine, where I sat down on the bank, and began to read.

Before the night was half around, I closed the book, while bloody tears were streaming down my face, without being really recognized by me. A high and dangerous mix of happiness and pain fought in me. Happiness, because my beloved Armand has survived his trip into the sun, that he was still alive. And pain, because of different reasons. In the first way it was pity. Pity for Armand, and the terrible experiences, which he has gone through in his life.

But there was also pain for myself and for the things, which I've lost. For all the things, we have shared in the past, for the hell, through which he has send me again and again, and despite all this, also for the deepness of our love, he has only this few words left for me ... and this were hurtful words. He gave me the dark gift out of his loneliness, and not out of love, which I have thought till now; that he cannot stand my continuos companion, and I not his. Maybe it would be right, if he would only speak for himself, because otherwise he would not have left me. But it is not fair, to allege it the other way. I loved him deeply, and I still do. I would never have left him, like he has done it to me ... how can he say such things, without knowing my meaning, without having ever spoken to me about this subject??

And then the matter with this two new vampires, which Marius has made for him. Did he really love them this much?? Maybe even more, than he ever loved me?? Should they take my place, be my replacements?? How could they do this to me?? Crying I urged the thoughts aside, they were too painful, to get further into them ...

I have to go to him, I need to speak with him, I need to see with my own eyes, that he is still alive. But maybe he doesn't want to see me ever again, after all what I've read, it seems more than obvious, that he has come to terms with me, that he has closed our relationship for good ... no, this was more than I would be able to endure, I would die, if he really would think so, if he wouldn't love me anymore.

But however this would be the end, I knew - maybe for the first time in years - where I have to go, what my next destination would be.

And so I left Santino the next evening after a long talk and with the promise and the certainty, that we would meet again. With mixed emotions. I traveled to New Orleans, to meet my past lover.

Present, New Orleans--

Sometimes it is much more easier to talk about the past, than to face the unknown future.

I am really scared about my next step, scared of ringing#the bell, scared of meeting Armand. How I wish I could take a look in the future, to know what will come next. Maybe it was a mistake to come here, maybe I should turn around and take my leave, but if I would do this, I will never known the whole truth, and I don't believe, that it would make me happy, to live forever in the uncertainty ....

And know it is too late for turning back, I have already reached the door. Plucking up the courage, to ringing the bell in front of me, I take a deep breath, thinking once more, about what I could say, as suddenly the door opens, and a figure appears in the door frame ....

A tall blond vampire appeared in front of me, penetrating icy blue eyes starred at me in astounded. It was Marius, the secret coven leader, and the maker of my beloved Armand.

The one who was, at last in my eyes, responsible for most of the trouble which has come down on me. And he was not alone. Behind him I could make out more vampires, completely unknown to me, which were studying me curiously.

A really young boy, and a woman. They must be this two new vampires,created by Marius as a present for Armand, I thought to myself, while I fought against the upwelling jealousy and hate in me.

Bringing my eyes back to Marius, I greeted him.

" You haven't shown up for a long time, Daniel! I would have expected to see you earlier."

What was he talking about?? How should I have shown up earlier, without knowing anything??

Swallowing my anger by his statement, I asked in a calm voice:" Is he here, Marius? I really need to speak to him."

"No, I am sorry. He is out to hunt. But if you have time, you can come in, and wait for him. He will be back soon.", he answered ,while he went back inside. Nodding I followed him, still feeling the nerve - wracking gazes of this young vampires in my back, as if I would be one of the seven Wonders of the World.

My edginess grew by all this, as I sat down in an antique chair. Looking around, in a try to calm down, I recognized that everything in here was furnished in this style. Nice, if someone like it, but certainly not Armand's taste, he has always preferred the modern things.

"I am sure you haven't met yet the newest members of our family?!", Marius interrupted my thoughts," Let me introduce them to you, Daniel. This are Benji and Sybelle ..."

Indeed, I haven't met them, how should I. I haven't seen any other coven member, except Santino for years. How shrewd Marius could be, I thought sarcastically.

Cold, but as polite, as it was possible for me in this situation, I answered:" Welcome. But I hope you will forgive me, that I can not say, that I am glad to meet you ...!"

Maybe I was unfair, maybe I should have given them a real chance, but I was always a bad liar, and a much more worse actor, and so I could not pretend something, which was not there. There was no point for me in being friendly to them, I hated them, since I have read about them in Armand's book ...

Marius gave me an incredulous look:" What is the matter with you, Daniel?? Why are you reacting so strange??", he wanted to know. I almost laughed out loud by this question.

Did I really need to tell him this? Did I really need to tell him, how I feel, or what is going on in me??

Oh, yes, Maybe I should tell him, that I am really fine, except that I always have to stumble across stupid books, to find out about the latest news.

Do I have to remember him, that I sit here together, with my replacements, made by his hands?? And as if this alone would not be enough, I must endure their rigid stare at me, and listen to his stupid statements, while I wait for my past lover, who has certainly come to terms with me for good??? But except for this I have never felt better, Marius, kind of you to ask, I thought bitterly.
 
 

But instead of answering his question, I stood up and went to the window, where I looked out in the dark and clear night.

Every star could be seeing, and how beautiful, peaceful and permanent everything seems.

So unlike to my own life, which always fall apart, when I have just managed to re-build it.

Since my first encounter with a vampire, everything went wrong. At first Louis, who drained me nearly to death, then my life with Armand, which was all the time, an up and down, a mix between heaven and hell. The heaven culminated in the night, as he gave me the dark gift, a moment full of happiness, despite the coming danger of Akasha. I have really been hoping, that this would last, that we could at last find peace in each other, that our love would last. But then came the sudden and terrible awakening from this dream, my fall into one of the worst nightmares, a fall into living hell, from which Santino saved me finally. But even this is gone now. And everything which I have now is a future, about which I know nothing ... So different is my life from the everlasting peaceful night, I thought to myself once more.
 
 

Sighing I shake my head, to repress this disturbing memories.

I turned around, as I heard the door opening. And there he stood, beautiful as ever, my demonic angel, the love of my life - Armand.

I could not bring my eyes from him. He was a breathtaking sight in all his beauty.

The angelical face framed by his auburn curly hair, which he wore long tonight, just the way I love it. The soft candle light let his face glowing unnatural, and the flames reflected in his huge, dark brown eyes, let him looking much more innocent, and beautiful.

As nothing had ever happened, as if he never went out into the sun, I thought while starring at him.

I was so captivated by his appearance, so caught by the sight of him, that everything, which I have planned to tell him was forgotten. My mind was completely empty, except a strong desire of falling into his arms, of holding him, and being hold by him. I wanted to stroke over his soft hair, I wanted to touch him, just to be sure, that he was really here, that he was not only an illusion of my own wishful thinking. I wanted to tell him, how much I love him, how much I have missed him. But at the same time I wanted to scream at him, because of his leaving, of the hell through which he has sent me by disappearing without a word, by letting me in the belief of his death.

But in the end I did nothing of this, I was too afraid of being rejected, and scared, that he would not listen to me, that he would not understand, or much worse, that he would laugh at me, when I would open myself to him.

And it was one thing to talk with Armand alone about all this, but a complete difference to do this in the present of others. There would be no way for me, to speak to him, or to open myself for him in front of them, neither in the presence of my replacements, nor in front of Marius.

It was so quiet in the room, that someone could have heard a pin drop. But it was not a pleasant silence, it was extremely tense and it seemed to oppress me.

This is ridiculous, I thought to myself.. I had not made my way to New Orleans, to stare at my past lover, even the sight was it more than worth. But I've come here, to have a clarifying conversation with him.

And so I thought desperately for a way, to break this terrible silence.

Finally Armand was the one, who makes the first move, and appeared in front of me.

"Daniel, my beautiful child ...", he whispered nearly inaudible, while he reached out with his hand and begun softly to caress my face.

To hear this soft, long missed voice, and to feel this gentle touch of him, let all the invisible barriers in me dwindle ... I throw myself into his arms, clung to him, as if I were a drowning man, who desperately tried to survive, by holding on a sheet anchor.

And somehow I was exactly this. A drowning man, for a long time drowned in desperation and pain, and now coming here, to cling on the only thing, which could save me ever lasting.

To feel this long missed and thought lost closeness of him, was suddenly to much for my already tense nerves. I burst out into tears, letting all my pain, and the misery of my past years streaming down.

I didn't thought, or cared any longer, that we were not alone, that we have an audience. All this was not important, the only thing, which really counted for me in this moment, was, that I was here together with Armand, that I was back home, to the place where I belonged ... on the side of my lover.

Comforting Armand strokes gentle my back:" Hush, my Daniel. I am here ...".

No one can imagine, how often I dreamed of this, and certainly also about more, in the past years, only to be thrown back away from this day dreams, in the cruel reality.

After I managed to calm down, I broke our embrace, and faced him, looking in his deep brown eyes, in which I have often enough lost myself. But not this time, I admonished myself. Because, even this was exactly what I wanted, I could not allow myself this comfort, not now. At first I need the conversation with him, I needed to get my answers

" We need to talk, Armand.", I told him with an tremulous voice, and with a look to our still starring audience, I appended:" But alone!"

It took a load of my mind, as I saw him nodding, after a long moment of silence:" You are right, beloved. We need to talk. If you don't mind, let us have a walk ... the night is beautiful, and we can be sure, that no one will interrupt us there ...".

Before I could react in any way, the shrill voice of the female vampire interrupted us:" But Armand, you cannot, you have promised ...".

"Please not yet, Sybelle. As you can see, I have other, more important things in my mind right now, than to take you to the movies.", Armand replied softly. It was a relief to hear him saying this. A good beginning, that a talk with me was at last more important to him, then to go somewhere with this unpleasant creature. Maybe not everything was lost then, I thought to myself, while smiling gloating to this Sybelle, who answered with a hateful gaze in my direction. But this really didn't matter at this moment.

Stubbornly she begun again:" But ..."

"Shut up Sybelle! I am sure, you will find an other enjoyment for the night." Armand interrupted her with a calm, but sharp edged voice, which was always a sign for his upwelling anger.

And with this he took my hand, and led me out in the night, without looking back to the sinewy trio.

Only too glad to leave them, I allowed him, to pilot me to a park, where we sat down on the meadow.

" So, here we should be undisturbed. I am so happy to see you, to see that you are well, Daniel. You cannot imagine, how often I have thought about you, my love ...!", he begun, still holding my hand.

So, you have thought about me, I thought sarcastically, but I am sure, not so often, like I have

thought about you in the past years... and *my love*, what does he think? Did he really believe, that he can call me this, after everything what has happened, after all what he has done to me??

In a sudden wave of anger, I pulled my hand free, and stood up.

I could no longer stand this closeness, even if I wished for it more than anything else. But it was definite the wrong moment. If I allowed myself this comfort now, I'd be lost. Everything else would become unimportant, except the wish, of being drown in him.

Standing up, I tried to get some distance between us, to get my anger again under control, to calm down. Which was not this easy. I really didn't want to fight with him, after I've just found him again, but if he was expecting that we could go on, as if nothing had happened, I have to disappoint him. This would be impossible.

Completely lost in these thoughts, I didn't notice Armand appearing behind me. And so I nearly jumped startled away, as he touched my shoulder softly to get my attention. But I couldn't bring myself to turn around to face him.

"Daniel, please?", he whispered desperately, while strengthening his grab on my shoulder, so that I was forced around to face him.

A glance in his normally clear, deep brown eyes let me shudder. They were inundated with sadness, and I could see tears glomming in them. And even it was not the first time I saw him crying, my heart bled by his sight, I could never endure to see him in this state. And my own tears begun to flow again as well. All my pent - up anger melted away, like ice in the sun, and I pulled him in my arms.

Stroking softly over his hair, I pressed him close against me, while speaking into his ear: "I love you, Armand! I always have, and I always will ... but the pain is with me, and it is strong, maybe even stronger at the moment, than the love, which I feel for you ..."

I knew that this words were cruel, but it was the truth. I could not lie to him, neither for his, nor to my own sake. And more lies, more concealment's wouldn't get us anywhere. If we really want to get over this, to start at new, the truth would be our only chance, it doesn't matter, how painful this would be.

Finally, after a long time, he broke out of the embrace:" I suppose, you really need to go into this, don't you my love?? Oh, how I wish we could steer this, letting the past behind us, and simple have a new start ... but this would not be enough for you, it would not satisfy you, am I right?", he asked still sobbing.

Not sure, if I could trust my own voice, I only nodded. This was not only what I wanted, it was what we both needed ...

"Then it should be so. And you have every right, to hear about it, my beloved child. Where do you wish me to begin?", he asked in a very low voice, as if he would be tiered.

To see him in this state, so shattered, was terrible for me. But I could not give in, I needed his answers. Where to begin?? This was a good question. There was so much I wanted to know, and only so little time of the night was left. Too soon, I would have to seek shelter for the upcoming sun. And how the situation looks so far, this would mean another separation from my love. He would certainly go back to Marius, and this two new vampires, to spend the day with them. And I would be left behind once more ...

But before he would leave me again, I wanted to have an answer, to my most important question." Did you ... have you ever really loved me, Armand??"

This question caught him by surprise, as I could see on his sudden widened eyes. He gave me an incredulous look:" Can you really doubt this, Daniel?"

As I don't answered him, he continued:" I have loved you from the first moment on, as I have laid eye on you. That is why I could not kill you. And this is also the reason, that I have broken my vow, and gave you the dark gift in the end. Did you really believe, I would have done this, if I didn't love you? I could never bear the thought of losing you. I love you Daniel! More than my own life."

"But in your book ...", I tried to say, only to be cut off." This damned book! Did you believe everything, what you read?? I was deranged, as I have told David my story, everything was changed, everything seemed so different. And yes, maybe I have said this, I don't know why I have done it, I do not have an excuse for this, but this is not true! I love you more than anything else in the world. And if you would listen to your heart, you would know this also ...", he cried, while pulling me in his arms.

Could I really believe him? Could I really trust his words? Could I trust my own feelings?

Reading this questions and the scare in my eyes, he pressed me closer against him:" You cannot believe me, my love. But if you cannot believe my words, you will maybe believe my blood ...", tilting his head to side, he offered me his neck, while he continued," Drink, and you will hopefully find the truth on your own!"

With a moment of hesitation, I sunk my teeth carefully in his soft skin, letting his powerful blood flow in my throat, like so often in the past.

There are no words, to describe, what I saw, or maybe better, what I felt in his blood. I was confronted and flooded with the different feelings, which I could not sort out. But above this all, I could see the most important and dominated feeling ... Love for me!

Shocked by the intensity of this feeling, I withdraw my fangs, and would certainly have fallen down, if Armand would not have hold me in his loving embrace. Not able to say a word, I only looked at him, letting the tears flow.

"Why are you crying, beloved one?", I heard him asking in a soft voice, while he kissed the bloody tears away, which were flooding my face.

"You really love me ...", I managed to say with a tremulous voice.

"Sure, I do! How could you ever doubt this?"

I couldn't think more about this. The sunrise was to close, and I fought uselessly against the weakness, which came over me.

"You need to rest. Let me take you to a sun secure shelter ...". No, I don't want to go back to Marius, and the other two vampires, I don't want to see them right now, and so I shacked my head. Somehow knowing about my fear, he stroke soothing over my hair. "No, beloved. I don't mean Marius' home, I have also an other refuge ... no one knows about it, there we will be secure ..."

I was almost asleep, as we reached an beautiful old house. Without resistance I allowed Armand to carry me to a soft bed, where he pulled me close in his arms. There was so much I wanted to say to him, but I was too tired, and so I only rested in his arms, enjoying the feeling of his closeness, as I heard him saying from far away:" We will talk more tomorrow. For now you need to sleep, my love!" His soft lips on my forehead, were the last thing, which I felt, as the darkness engulfed me ... the death sleep has claimed me.

Wrapped in a strong, and somehow familiar embrace, I awoke the next evening.

A smile crossed my face, as I heard a lovely voice on my ear:" Good evening! I hope you have slept well, my beloved Daniel?"

My smile grew, as I remembered the past night, which obviously didn't turn out as an illusion of my mind, as I had suspected before. No; I added in my thoughts, as the memories came back; he was not only here with me, he also does really love me! Turning around, without breaking out of the embrace, I faced him.

"How could I have not slept well, with you at my side ...", I whispered while stroking gentle over his eternal youthful and beautiful face.

Capturing his soft lips for a passionate kissed, I drank in his delicious taste, which I have missed for so long.

I cried out in surprise, as he suddenly pierced my tongue with his fangs, to draw my blood.

The feeling was behind everything, from what I have dreamed in the past. My only wish was, of giving myself completely to him, of being drowned in him, of becoming a part of him. But to my disappointment, he took only a few drops, before stopping.

"Can you imagine how much I have missed this? How much I have missed you, my love?", he whispered seductive in my ear.

"But why have you ...", I tried to ask, only to be cut off by a deep kiss.

"Please, my love, not yet. I have other things in my mind. We can later ..."

This time I was only to willing to surrender to his wish, as he begun to nibble on my neck, while turning us around, so that he now laid on top of me. Yes, I thought to myself, this is what I want. There will always be time later to talk.

I moaned, as he begun to bite carefully in an artery, waiting for him to drain my blood, to drain my life into him. But this time, he didn't break the skin, and instead of this, he used his teeth to open the buttons of my shirt slowly. Pausing after every button, to tease the bare skin with light kisses, till I was shivering under him. My body was on fire!

"Do you like, what I am doing?", he ask teasingly, while licking over my new nude nipples, which let me growling. "I guess, I can take this as a yes, my love?!", he muttered with an evil, heartbreaking smile, while looking at me. Grabbing his shoulders, I pulled him down to me, for a deep, fiery kiss.

"Is this answer enough?", I ask him, with a voice, rough with desire, while pressing his hard muscular body against my own.

The barrier of his own shirt was no longer tolerable for me, I wanted to feel his bare skin on my own, and so I tore his black silk shirt apart. Massaging firmly his neck and shoulders, I enjoyed the pressure of his well - build body on my own. Breaking free, out of my grab, he kissed slowly his way down to my chest, making finest cuts with the very tip of his fangs, while licking in the same moment the upwelling blood drops away. The smell of my own blood, in combination with the rapid changes of his bites and soothing tongue let my passion inflame to a nearly unbearable level.

Every nerve in my body was tense and waves of pleasure swept over me, by his caress, and by anticipation. A moan of delight, mingled with a soft grunt escaped me, as he let his hand wander further down, until he reached my painful stimulated arousal, and begun to stroke it gentle. Soon his mouth took the place of his hand. Sending my desire soaring, he put light kisses on my erection, without really touching it.

Growling I lifted myself up and turned around, letting my whole weight tumbling on the shorter body of my lover.

"Enough teasing, my love. I want you now!", I whispered in his ear, before I captured his sensuous lips with my own. The desire and passion broke over us in a huge wave. Breathless we broke finally our kiss, after a time, which seems an eternally. A look in his eyes told me, that Armand was also lost in our shared lust. His beautiful deep - brown eyes were inundated with love and passion. Letting his hands smoothly skimming over my shoulders, and my biceps, he whispered, his voice husky with desire:" Then take me, my beautiful Daniel!"

More encouragement was not necessary. Sitting myself on top of him, I claimed his erection with my buttock. Both of us cried out in pleasure, by this too long missed intimate act. With at first slow, but then faster and harder movements, accompanied, by our sounds of pleasure, I drove both of us to ecstasy. Everything around us vanished, only we both, our passion, and our upbuilding climax were left, as strong hands grabbed me, pulling me down, and teeth piercing my flesh.

The world seemed to explode, as we reached our climax to the same time.

Behind all rational thoughts and feelings, I sunk my own fangs in the tender flesh of my beloved neck. Completing the circle of blood and lust. We both drank deeply the life essence from eachother, till nothing separated us anymore. His inner thoughts, memories and feelings became mine, like mine were his, without restriction. We were no longer separated by the burden of closed minds, which are normal between creator and fledging. We seemed to be one. I could have gone on this way for eternality, if not Armand would have suddenly withdrew his teeth, and so breaking the circle.

I growled in protest, but followed his action, as he pushed me non - gentle back.

Confused I looked at him. What for the hell has happened to him??

But before I could asked him this, he stood up. "Why have you done it?", he asked me unbelieving and somehow hurt, "Why have you chosen him of all vampires? Why Santino?"

I was too shocked by his outburst to answer him. "Why Santino?", somehow from far away, I heard his question. He must have seen images from Santino, and myself in my blood, while drinking from me, because unlike the older ones among us, I was far too young and too weak, to hide such things really effective and lasting in my blood, unseen by anyone else...

But at last I could have tried it, I cursed myself for this thoughtless.

"Why Daniel? Why him among all vampires?", I heard his question again.

He expected an answer, and would not give in, before I would explained myself to him, this was for sure. Lifting myself up from the bed, I went to the balcony. I needed fresh air, to clear up my mind, and so my thoughts. Removing the shade, which has protect us from the deadly sunlight, I opened the door and went out, letting my thoughts wandering.

Armand demanded to know, why. An answer to this would be simple, but this was not the essential question. He wanted to know; how I could betray our love, with someone, who has caused him so much pain, like Santino.

If it would have been any other vampire, he maybe would have been jealous, but never overreacted, like this.

But what should I answer him?? Should I try to find an answer, which will satisfy him, which would let him calm down? Or should I tell him the truth, which could made our uncertain situation, much more difficult, then it already was? Was I really willing to put at risk, what I have just found again? But in the other way, what would this new start be worth, if it would built up on lies? Certainly not much. And at last, there is also Santino, who I owe the truth, don't I?? Santino, who has saved me for loosing my life, and my mind, who has been there for me, without asking for anything in return, without making demands. With the thought on Santino also another one came in my mind. A sentence, which he has spoken to me on our very first begin of our journey together. Words, which I have never really understood - till now.

... enjoy the moment of happiness, before it comes to an end ...

Now the meaning of this stood clear in front of me. How much I must have hurt him, by my sudden leaving, how true musty the words for him have become, as I decided to go back to Armand ... And now I was on the same point, would my brief moment of happiness now also come to an end, maybe even before it really has begun??

Turning around, I looked at my lover, who stood still at the french window, waiting for my answer. Taking a deep breath, I took all my heart together, and said the only thing, which was true:"Because I love him."

Swallowing hard by my statement, he repeated whispering, nearly inaudible my words:" ... love him ..."

A long moment of unpleasant silence passed between us, in which neither of us spoke, moved, or looked at the other.

Finally Armand broke the silence, and asked trembling:" How ... , when.., why??" Turning my eyes to him, I begun to regret my words by the sight of him.

Like to keep himself up, he clutched tight at the door frame. The shining light of the full moon on his face, examined an indescribable sadness, mixed with unbelieving in his eyes. Bloody tears were streaming down, were only few moments ago everything has shined with love and passion. But now it was too late for guilty conscience, wasn't it?? There was no way for me, to undo these true, built for him painful words. Looking helplessly at my lover, I tried to find words, which could explain my reasons, my actions.

"Please, my love. Let me try to explain it. Let me tell you my side of the story ...", I begged him, while trying to reach for him, to comfort him, and maybe also to comfort myself, by his closeness. He shook my hand off, didn't allow the contact, but to my relief, he nodded to my request At last I would get the chance to explain him everything.

"After your sudden and wordless leaving, I was completely alone. I never understood why you have done it. All the time, I have hoped, that you would come back, that we could have a new start, that you would love me again ... only this hope has kept me alive, so far, as if you can wandering aimlessly through the world, without knowing where you are, or where to go next can call living ... your abandonment has thrown me in an endless circle of sadness, despair and hope. Till one evening, as I saw and bought Lestat's latest book ...", I swallowed hard as the painful memories of this night broke over me again, I saw everything so vivid in front of me, as this all has happened only a few moments ago.

In vain, I tried to fight back the upwelling tears, trying to regain my self control again, I turned my back to him, while I continued sobbing:" ... at first, I couldn't believe what I saw written there in cold prints .. your suicide, your death! I was caught in a never-ending nightmare. All my hopes were destroyed. The thought of never seeing you again, of never holding you in my arms, of never hearing your voice again, killed me nearly. As I arrived in New Orleans, as I come into the coven, as I saw Lestat lying there unconscious, my world broke apart. I have got my assurance. All my dreams and hopes were shattered in seconds. With your death, it was nothing left, which would have been worth, to continue my life ... and then suddenly Santino was there. He helped me, he tried to comfort me, he showed me how to live again and he saved me for becoming mad, or more worse for death. I guess, you can say, he saved my life, in more than one way. Without him, I would certainly not be here today ... And this all he did, without expecting anything in return from me ... he just was there for me, and because of my own wish, we stood together the past years, till I saw your book, till I have come here to you. And yes, it is true that I love him deeply, and I always will, but it is a different kind of love, than the one, which I feel for you. You are my world, I would die for you, if this should be necessary. I love you more than anything else in the world, you are my life!"

Here I stopped, there was nothing more, what I could say, I have opened myself completely to him, I have spoken about my most painful memories and thoughts, and now it was on him to react in any way.

Still weeping, I turned around, to face him, to wait for his judgment. But before I could blink, he stood right in front of me. Soothing, he caressed my face, stroked my tears away:" I am so sorry, Daniel. If I only have knew ..."

But before he could continue, we were interrupted. A tall vampire entered the room, while watching us, he said sarcastically:" Such a heartbreaking sight ..."

"Marius! What exactly are you doing here?", Armand was asking, with a slight angry undertone in his voice.

"Good question, my child. Benji and Sybelle told me, that they've sensed distracting feelings from you. And after you didn't come back yesterday morning I was in worry. You haven't seen Daniel for years, and no one knows, what could happen then. And that's why I am here, to see if you are all right, and to take you home with me ..."

What does this Roman think?? I thought to myself, while I felt my rage upwelling. I've come here to clear up things with Armand, and for nothing else. What was the purpose of this? And why does he want to take him home with him???

"But I must say, your confession was really interesting, Daniel.", he spoke to me, interrupting my thought.

Oh god, he must have heard everything, I thought to myself desperately. I must have been completely lost in my thoughts, that I haven't heard his arrival. How much more worse could this situation become ...

"I suppose, what I have done should not be your problem, Marius.", I countered calm with a cold voice, trying not to show any emotion, while inside I was trembling of anger, and somehow also shame, "This is only a matter between Armand and me, and maybe even also Santino's. But never yours!"

Turning my gaze away from Marius, I looked at my lover, who seemed to be torn between me and his maker. "Please Marius. Stop it. I am old enough to know what I do, how to deal with problems, or to know, where to stay ...", he tried to defuse the situation.

Ignoring Armand's objection, he answered sharply to my last statement: " There you are wrong, Daniel. You should not forget that Armand is my child. And if you should cause him pain, it is also my problem. Because unlike you, who has only used him to get the dark gift, I have loved him since I have first laid eye on him ..."

Speechless, I could only stare at him. Did he really believe his spoken nonsense??

Not trusting my voice, I sent directly in Marius mind, without trying anymore to hide my rage:"Yeah, maybe you do really love him, but so do I, too. And I would say, if you really love him, you have a very odd way to show it, don't you agree?? At first you left him to the Children of Darkness, without ever trying to get him back. And then after you have just found him again after nearly 500 years of separation, you left him again, and so not only hurt him, but also destroyed our both life's!!"

" You are only an immature child, Daniel! You know nothing about me, or my reasons, nor do you know anything about Armand and me!", he shouted at me, finally loosing his control.

"Maybe you are right, Marius. Maybe I really know only the things, which I've read in the books, and the few situations, which I have seen with my own eyes. But the same for me. You know nothing about me, or my feelings for Armand. But I guess, I have no interest to discuss this with you. As I have said, it should be not your problem. And beside this, I think it would also be useless, because you will never accept my words, you will only believe, what will fit in your own truth, in your own belief, it doesn't matter how absurd this should be. And anyway, I have to go know, I need to feed ...!", with this I turned around, to the door, but before I went out, I looked back to my lover, waiting for him, hoping that he would come with me.

"What was this about, Marius? Have you lost your mind?", he glared at his maker, "As Daniel told you, it is my business how I deal with this, and not yours. And to your information; I have no intentions, of coming back with you right now. I am tiered of pretending feelings, which are not there. I do love you, this is out of question. But I am tiered of this two new creation of yours. They were mine, as they have been mortal. But all this has been lost as you have made them. And beside this, there are much more between Daniel and me, which need to be talk about ... ."

"Please, Armand.", Marius whispered, obviously hurt by Armand's statement, while he reached for him, to prevent his leaving. Pulling the taller vampire in an embrace, he continued much softer:" Give me some time, Marius. I do love you, this I mean with all my heart. But I do also love Daniel, and there is so much open between us, which we need to talk about ... and this I will not delay. I will come back to you, but certainly not alone. I want Daniel at my side, I cannot let him go again. I need both of you, to feel really happy and complete. Try at last to accept, if not to understand this. Give him a chance, like I have given you a new one ...", and with this words he kissed Marius, and released him. Without waiting for an answer, he turned around and went to my side. Taking my hand, he lead me out of the house into the night.

"I am sorry, Daniel. I have not thought, that he would attack you in this way ... it's a little bit difficult between us at the moment. A high tension, since I have come back, and he has transformed my mortal companions without my permission ..."

I needed a moment to calm down from my encounter with Marius, till I could answer him:" They hate me, do you know this?? I could feel it yesterday, as I met them ... they hate me the same way, as they love you! ", this was the easier part to say, the next one, the next question would be much more difficult for me, and while I searched for words, I have came to stop, and looked at him:" But this is not really important for me, I want to know, what they mean to you, and please, give me a honest answer. Are they my replacements? Do you love them?? Maybe even more then me??"

This question stood between us, separated us maybe even more than all our past fights.

Silently we looked at each other, my violet eyes met his huge dark brown eyes. Unsuccessful I searched for a hint in this beautiful eyes, which could tell me, what else would be in store for me tonight. But once more he has closed himself completely, no emotions flickered in them and this scares me more then anything else.

Of course he must love them, otherwise he would not have brought them into the coven, and would not live together with them now ... This explains also his silence, if he would not love them it should not be difficult to answer my question...What a fool I must have been to believe that all his feelings belonged to me ...

These thoughts let me tremble all over, and suddenly I wished nothing more than to turn the time back, or to disappear in thin air, to simply vanish from this maddening situation. The tension between us helped nothing to soothe my already tense nerves from my earlier fight with Marius. And suddenly I could not stand this unpleasant silence anymore.

Breaking our eye contact, I turned around, ready to escape this weird scene, to flee from the obviously true, which would certainly kill me, if I would hear it from my lovers mouth. But before I could get some distance between us, Armand grabbed me hard on my shoulder, and turned me around.

Intensive and dangerous anger was flickering in his eyes, as he spoke in my ear: " Are you really this stupid, Daniel? Do I really need to answer this foolish question??", the sudden closeness between us let me shudder once more, to feel him this near, to feel his warm breath on my ear was more than I could endure at this moment and trying to get free, to get some distance between us I nodded. Yes, this was exactly what I wanted, at last before my own thoughts let the worst of all possibilities well up in my mind. Now I was afraid of what he would say.

Finally, after a long moment of silence, as I could trust my voice again, I managed to whisper:" Are these questions really this stupid, my love? I don't think so, at last they are not stupid for me ... in the opposite, these are questions, which haunted me, since I have read your book, since I have made my decision to come to you, to find out if you really didn't love me anymore ..."

Instead of an answer, I found myself suddenly in a firm embrace. The soft lips of my lover captured my own for a deep kiss.

"Is this answer enough, Daniel? Do you really believe, I could anyone love more than you, or Marius? You two belong to my life; no, you two are my life ... I would die without you. And yes, I have loved them as they were my mortal companions, but all these feelings vanished, as Marius gave them the dark gift. I have never seen them as your replacements, they could never take your place ... Why are you crying now, my love?? There is no reason for it. I am here with you, and I have no intention of leaving you again, or let you go ...", and with this words, he caressed my face, wiping my tears away, which I didn't recognize till this moment.

I didn't know why I was really crying. Maybe it was the relief by his statement, maybe it was the closeness between us, maybe it was because of my tension, collected during the evening, which I could now allow to let go. But at last this was not really important, only the fact, that he do still love me, and wished to stay with me counted for me. All my earlier strange vanished, and I could only rest in the arms of my lover. Bathing in his caress and in his exclusive essence I rested against him and let my thoughts drifting away to another place only some years ago. The first time, in which I felt it not longer necessary to escape from Armand, where I finally could allow myself the luxury of feeling safe in his arms.

Italian, the Villa of the Mysteries

A long and hot summer, in which I tried to find my peace again, to find back in my normal life, after the madness of the past years. But it was only a useless attempt, because even I haven't seen him in all this time, I couldn't bring my thoughts back from my demon persuader. It doesn't matter, if I was awake or sleep, all the time I saw his image in front of me. Torn between the hope, that he finally lost my trail, and the wish of seeing him again, of feeling his dangerous, but also seductive closeness again, I wandered aimless around, till I stood in front of the Villa. And there he appeared in front of me, like I always saw him in my dreams. A beautiful but also fatal creature, the cruel imitation of a young man, in which I could lost myself by simple starring at him. And for the first time in years I felt no scare, only a relieve of seeing him once more, before I would die. But after all I wasn't supposed to die. In this night everything changed. My dark lover tied me on himself by his blood. No more escapes, no more running away from him. Finally I could allow myself the feeling of security, could allow to let my own feelings out. My love for him ...

"Daniel? Is everything all right?", his concerned question brought me back in reality. Smiling I kissed him, before I answered: " Sure, everything is perfect, it couldn't be better ... I was only lost in thoughts ... I love you, Armand! Words wouldn't be enough to say how much, but I really do, since the first moment I have laid eye on you..."

After we left Marius behind us, and after Armand assured me once more his love, I nearly dared to hope, that we could go back again, that we could have a new start together, letting the past behind us.

And at first it seemed so. Together we spent a wonderful night. After hunting together, we let us caring away once more from our passion, enjoying our closeness and bathing in our everlasting love for each other. Everything seemed perfect - maybe too perfect.

We also talked a lot by wandering through the dark town. But we both avoided the most important points. We both avoided to speak about the past, or the future ... maybe this was our mistake. Maybe we shouldn't have tried too hard to pretending that nothing had happened between us, that nothing has ever changed.

But neither Armand, nor I were willing to exchange this short moments of happiness and love, to dredge up the painful past events. No one of us was willing to talk about our actions, to lay bare our

reasons. We simple ignored all this in the try and in the hope that we could repress, if not forget them ... and as long, as we stayed alone in our sanctuary it went well. But after some days and nights of our shared love, Armand wished to go back to Marius, Benji and Sybelle.

He wanted to talk with Marius, he wanted to come to terms with him. After all, he still loved him. And even he would never have admitted it, he also cared for these other two. He felt responsible for them , because after all he was the one, who had brought them to Marius, he was the one, who exposed his mortal companions to the danger of our community.

I couldn't endure the thought, of losing him once more, and so I went with him, which turned out as one of the biggest mistakes of my short life as a vampire.

From the very first moment as we entered the house, I could feel the open hostile and coldness against me. In the main factor emitted by Sybelle and Benji, whom used every possibility to make my life into a living hell. But also Marius showed me that I only was an unwelcome guest in his house, and that he would prefer to see me going away, of course alone. All of them let me feel that I was only here because of Armands' wish.

The three of them saw me as an intruder in their little family, in their sugarcoated world and treated me as one. For the first days I tried to ignore it as good as possible, I even tried to be friendly to all of them, not only for my own sake, but also for the sake of my lover, who was torn between us. The situation and the atmosphere was highly tense, it was terrible. One night I couldn't endure it anymore. Waking up, I went around the house on the search for Armand, but instead of him I only find Marius, who sat reading in the living room.

"Good evening ...", I said as politely as any possible for this strange situation, "Excuse my interruption please, but I am looking for Armand ...?!" I always respected Marius, and was even beginning to like him, after meeting him during and after the incident with Akasha. I admired his power and his knowledge, but after the last days, after my encounter and my fight with him, I have become careful and so I was more then surprised as he put now his book aside and looked at me, while saying softly:" He is out with Sybelle and Benji. But maybe we both could use the time to have a talk!?"

Suspecting I looked at him, I couldn't understand his sudden kindness, but repressing a dark premonition which welled up in me, I sat down on the armchair in front of him, while waiting for him to continue.

"I fear the last time our talk hasn't been really successful. So we should now start again, don't you think so?", This wasn't a questions, which await an answer, and so Marius continued without pausing," I still want to know why it has taken you so long to came back. Where have you been all the time, where have you been as Armand would have needed you?"

I was speechless by his in question wrapped reproaches. Did he really want to start there again? Could he really blame me? Has he forgotten that all this trouble, this misery, this pain has started with his leaving just after the reunion between him and Armand??

Unbelieving I looked at him as he continued now. All softness has vanished from his voice, has been replaced by pure sarcasm:" But maybe you have been too busy with Santino. Is this the reason that you haven't shown up earlier? Has Santino kept you away from us? Do you know how this must have hurt, Armand? His only child together with the one who has imprisoned and brainwashed him so long ago?"

And again this picking on Santino. The only one who has been there for me all the time, the only one who has tried to help me. No longer able to listen to his accusations without letting him see my rage, or much, worse my tears, I stood up and went to the door, without having said a word. It would have been useless to start this foolish discussion again. Marius only needed someone, whom he could blame for everything and was never interested to hear my point of view. This I recognized now.

"But maybe you should have gone back to him then. At last you two together were happy enough for the past years, so you could ignore everything else around you!", these were the last words which I heard, before I could bang the door behind me.

While letting the tears, from which I didn't know if they came from my anger or my desperation, flow freely, I made my way out to the near park. To this late nighttime I was the only visitor there, but this didn't matter much for me. In the opposite I enjoyed to be alone at last. Here I could be myself.

Without being seen I could let my tears flow, and my thoughts wander. Maybe Marius was right, maybe I should really go back to Santino, were I could be what I am, who could accept me without

restriction, without judging me. But maybe I should simply go away on my own, traveling around the world once more without anyone ....

The thought of leaving Armand behind me once more was terrible, but I couldn't allow to hope that he would come with me this time. The bond between him and Marius was too strong to be broken. He needed Marius, as he said some days ago ...

I was so lost in my dark thoughts, that I didn't hear him coming.

"What has happened, my love? Marius told me that you have made a quick getaway from the house, after you both talked ...?!?"

"Talked?", I asked bitterly, "This was more a bundled bag with accusations ..." And with this I told him what just has happened between his maker and me. Helpless he looked at me, as I finished:" I've never thought that he would go this far. Let's go back and talk about this Daniel. I am sure we will find a way to approach him ..."

"No my love. There is no way that I will ever go back there. I am through with being the black sheep for Marius, or his new children. I cannot stand this coldness, this hostility against me anymore. But I will not lose you again ... I have just found you again. So please, come with me, let us leave here together tonight ... let us travel together - like in the past ...", I added nearly inaudible.

For a long time neither of us said a word. The silence between us was oppressive. But there was nothing more for me to say. There would be no way for me to go back, and so I only could hope that he would come with me.

Finally, after a time which seems an eternality in the deepest and coldest hole, Armand finally spoke:" I wish it would be this easy, my love. But I cannot leave here so easily ... I have a responsibility to take care of. I know, you cannot understand this. But in an odd way, these two are also my children. I have brought them here, and so I am also to blame for what has happened .... But I really wish, that you would stay with me here. I need you in my life, just I need also Marius. I love you both, and only can feel complete with both of you around me ..."

Even if I've thought before about the possibility, that Armand would not come with me, I was shocked. The thought of getting separated again was much to bear. But there was also no way for me of going back with him to Marius. Too long I have tried to endure, if not to change the situation, but what has happened this night was too much for me. You can say it was the last straw, and not even my love to Armand could change this.

Even today I cannot say, that I really understand Armand. In one way he said that he would love me, that he cannot live without me and that this two fledglings would not belong to him, that he even doesn't love them. But in the other way he said also, that he cannot live with me, because of them and Marius. How can someone, who has hurt not only me, but also him, mean so much more to him than our love? It's a twisted logic, isn't it? Why are two people unable to stay together, despite of their love for each other?

Fifty years have passed since this final night, as I saw my maker, my lover for the last time. But despite this time I remember everything, as it has just happened yesterday. Many arguments, some of them really painful, and tears flew between us, but in the end nothing of this changed anything. I left early enough to get as much distance as possible between me and the source of my sorrow, before I buried myself crying into the earth ... grateful that the death sleep would save me from more painful thoughts and memories about what I have lost, found and then lost again, in just a short time.

My wanderings began again, after I overturned the thought of going back to Santino. I couldn't go to him, even I could have been sure that he would have helped me to heal my sores, that he would have helped me once more to get over my pain. But to this time I could not only bear the thoughts of an other companion, but I thought also that it would be wrong. I have used him once to heal, before I have abandoned him as if he would mean nothing to me. I know that this was stupid, because if it was a use, it was a mutual one. We both gave each other something, what we needed to this time, and out of this has developed a special kind of love. But I guess most of you know, that someone who is hurt deeply cannot form a clear and rational thought.

And so it was the same with me. After a long time of wandering aimlessly around, I buried myself for the first time of my life into the earth, hoping of the merciful sleep which would let me forgetting, which would help me to heal.

And it did. But not for long. After 30 years, how I found out later, I was awoken again. Not of my own, but because of Santino who has sensed disturbing emotions of me so many years ago, since then searched for me, and finally found me in my nice dark grave in a forest. Once more he saved me from myself, after securing me out of the earth. Constantly he was by my side. Never demanding anything, but always being there for me, when the days were terrible nightmares haunting my sleep and during the nights when my sorrow got the upper hand, and let me back crying and trembling. Slowly his taking care of me helped me to feel secure and safe again, to find myself and my place in this world again. He never urged me with questions about what really has taken place so long ago, but was always there to listen to what I was willing to tell him. Bu till now he didn't know the whole truth. I could never tell him, that Marius has taken him into account for these events, that he blames him for me being away from the other coven members ... it would hurt him, that even after such a long time Marius thinks about him this way, that the hate against him is still there ... and he means too much to me, as I could see him hurt.

For a long time and because of my own wish, he closed both of our minds, so that no one would know where I would stay. I know that Armand was in worry about me, but I couldn't endure the thought, that he would come after me, when he would know that I have risen again, that I am once more amongst the living. To see him again would awake again all the carefully repressed and closed sores, would leave them bleeding once more. And only a few years ago, we have begun to go around again in the coven. Not often, but sometimes we visit, or get visited by the other coven members. In the last year we visited Maharet, Erik and our new queen in Sonoma, which was a nice and easy meeting, because even if we discussed and talked a lot, no one asked questions to me, which could awake again the hurtful memories. I guess, owe this to Santino, who cared for me, as if I were a fragile glass figure.

But even though I am more than grateful for this, I know that I cannot run away forever. Last month we got a visit from Gabrielle, who has been a close friend of Santino for long, and who I also like very much.

She told me, that Armand is asking for me in our little coven, that he, now that he knows for sure that I have arisen again, would like to have a talk with me. She also told me, that he feels guilty for me going into the earth, for my deranged state in the last years, and now he wants to make it up again. She also told me, that he still loves me, and that he want me back.

But I am not sure, if I can or will do this. I am not sure, if I have the strength, of meeting him again, of dealing once more with the painful past. He has hurt me too often and too deep, to simply forget it once more. Now the pain is deeply buried in me, but could it stay there, if I would be confronted with him and our past again? Am I willing to let it out once more? Maybe I should give us both another chance, at last a chance to talk with each other. Because to go back, to have a new start it is far too late, I wouldn't leave Santino once more. I owe Santino too much, and my love for him has become too deep, to let it behind me without a second thought.

But what does his request really mean? Does it mean that I only have to deal with him this time, or does it include also the other members of his little family? If this should be the case, I would have to reject this request.

I really don't know what to do yet. ... I am afraid of being hurt again, by Armand, who once has been my world, who once I have loved with all my heart ...

But time doesn't matter much, doesn't it? I have all the time in the world to decide what I will do next. And for once I have not only Santino at my side, who loves me without restrictions, but also close friends, who always will be there for me, no matter what will happen ....

And with this I will close these pages. Everything important for me, and about my life I have told you. There is nothing left, which could be interesting for you at the moment. Thanks to my lover and my friends I have not only healed, but also found my place in this world again, and the time will show the rest.