APOLOGY
by Jello Cat, 1995
jellocat@comcast.net
SPOILERS to Memnoch the Devil


 
I stared at the reflection in the window of the old car
dealership here on St. Charles St. in New Orleans. It was a brisk
night and I pulled my jacket close to me.
 
All in one piece. Good. The Vampire Lestat, as his usual,
brilliant, gleaming self. The tan was fading slowly, the eyes,
now complete, were brimming with light and fire, the lips smooth
and sensuous. Still the same. No changes there, thank God.
 
I found myself saying that quite a bit lately, 'thank God.' I
snickered quietly to myself. What had really happened?
 
Such things I had seen, tasted, felt... and Dora... I was her
vessel as well. Used. That's how I felt. Used.
 
I am better now, thank you. It's many months later that I'm
writing this to you. I've heard all the comments about my latest
-- Memnoch the Devil -- how much you all hated it.
 
Ah well... can't always be the perfect little dev... scratch
that... can't always be the perfect little... what? What am I
now? A vampire that won't take life. I won't do it. I promised.
And I've kept my promise too. Believe me?
 
There, in the kitchen, in the refrigerator, are tanks upon tanks
of human blood. I've ordered them, you see, from blood banks. I
made sure I made up for my purchase by charming enough people to give
their blood for the sake of others -- which they did. THAT blood did not
come to me.
 
I am determined to remain good. Really I am. I will not do
anything to hurt any of the ones I love ever again. Not that my
last little adventure, if you can call it that, was of my own
doing. Not really, at any rate.
 
But I don't want to talk about that. No... not yet. You've read
it already, my tryst with the Devil and God. The quest and the
mission I was sent on. I don't want to talk about it. You hated
it anyway so why should I bother?
 
Armand... ah, Armand... what can I say? I loved him, really I
did. You think I short-changed him, don't you? That I poofed him
off just like that with no warning, no goodbyes, no 'gee, Armand,
I never knew,' sort of thing. Well, I'll tell you now -- Armand
never went 'poof.' I knew he wouldn't. He's too old, has too much
of the ancient blood in him. He couldn't go 'poof' if he tried or
if I tried. Well, maybe. I still had the old razzle-dazzle, you
know. Armand stood out there on the steps of that church for
hours, waiting to go 'poof.' The sun burned him, yes, but more
like it burned me in the Gobi desert. Those mortal idiots -- the
new religious zealots -- they treated him like an angel and bowed
and prayed at his feet. When night hit and he saw he was still
standing there with his arms outstretched to the sky he cried. He
cried like the child he is. Cried and cried and cried. He really
wanted to go and God wouldn't take him, nor the Devil, I might
add.
 
Marius and Daniel scooped him up and off they went to lick his
wounds. I hope he's well-licked now. He needed a good licking. I
haven't been able to bring myself to contact him as yet. I love
him, didn't I say that? I said 'I loved him' didn't I? Well, I
still do.
 
David has been with Maharet ever since I came home. They remained
long enough to make sure I wasn't going to bring down some
building or cause mass destruction of any kind or talk to the TV
camera crews or run off with Dora. Then, they simply walked out
of my life. They, too, scooped up Jesse in the crowd who was
waiting for the sun the next day, and took her back to wherever
Maharet was hiding. David loved Jesse, probably more than he
loved me. I understood that. He felt he needed to stay with her
for a while, ease her pain so to speak. David had become a
regular vampiric shrink amongst us all. A venerable father like
Marius.
 
And the others? Gone, all of them. One by one they took their
place on those steps and let the fires of dawn take them
wherever. I still don't know the answer to that one and I hope to
God I never learn it. I am immortal and have every notion of
remaining so at the moment.
 
And what's left? Yes... you knew it all along, didn't you? My
Louis. My beautiful, soft-spoken Louis. My fledgling and the only
vampire left that I know will remain with me forever no matter
what I stupidly do. And he keeps in contact with the others for
me now, talking on the phone, or in that vampiric telepathic way.
'Yes, yes, he's fine. No, he hasn't done anything rash. Yes,
everything is all right.' He knew what was going on with Armand
and David, Jesse, Maharet, Marius, and Daniel. All of them
through Louis I would learn things from. There isn't much to
tell. They're all just living, as he and I are doing, as if we
were mortal. I don't know if the others still kill for blood or
take victims. I don't know what they're doing, where they live,
or how. I miss them and I love them. And I still wonder what
happened to my mother, Gabriel. I had not seen her at all at the
church. Louis had not felt her presence anywhere near us at all.
Why hasn't my own mother come to console me at this time? Was she
gone already?
 
Louis was shaken by the whole event, but you knew he would be.
First, he learns everything of vampire history through my books,
then he learns everything about Elohim from this new book.
Everything he ever wanted to know -- in mortal life or not --
there it was in print before his very beautiful green eyes. My
poor child. How he sobbed and sobbed in my arms after reading my
tale. I knew he would so I stayed and waited for him to finish.
It took him 9 hours of solid reading. Like I've said before,
Louis reads as slow as most mortals and I, patiently, sat with
him. He would stop on occasion and ask a few questions. I would
merely gesture with my hand to continue, that whatever questions
he had would soon be answered.
 
He had many more questions the next night and the night after
that. We must've poured over the whole event, piece by piece, for
weeks. Louis is like that. He wants all the details and then
he'll sit, quietly, and ponder in his mind everything and come to
a conclusion of sorts. This was when I was most afraid for him.
If he were to try to go into the sun the way all these vampires
had been doing of late (and many were immortals I had never
known), I would've quickly whisked him away. I was determined to
keep a watchful eye on him to make sure he didn't do anything
rash.
 
But that wasn't his conclusion. One night he had risen from his
reverie and came and sat next to me on the couch. He placed his
hand on my shoulder, as he likes to do, and as I like him to do,
though I've never said it, and said, "I'll stay with you forever,
Lestat, if you'll have me. What happened to you is a jumble --
confusing. It's unknowable, really, what was meant to occur. But
I still believe God is good and the ultimate plan and outcome was
His plan and He knew it all along. I don't know the reason for
it, maybe to kick up the dust a little, to set things in motion
again. I don't know. But I know no matter what happened, no
matter what WILL happen, if there's such a place as the hell you
described I know I will have to go there for a while and cleanse
this sordid soul of mine. But there's plenty of time before THAT
has to happen." He smiled, brightly and lovingly at me and this
time I DID fall into his arms and let out all my pain, suffering,
and grief onto his shoulder. This time I was the one sobbing
sending trickles of blood-stained tears onto his lacey new white
shirt. He held me tightly and whispered that if I wasn't going to
kill anymore neither would he and we, together, will find a way
to sate the appetite bestowed upon us by a weak and sorrowful
soul called Amel.
 
He figured out how to get the blood from the blood banks. He went
and bought the microwave oven we heat it up in. It's real blood,
but the experience of the life is dim.
 
Together we are working on ways of redeeming our souls, that is
all we can do, really. And perhaps one day we will discover that
redemption is true and real and within our grasps. Science has
come a long way since we were made and maybe through science a
key will be found to unlock the darkness and set us free.
 
So... I just wanted to let all of you know what has happened
since the book you hated so much. I am sorry, truly I am. You
must understand the book was written under much duress. I was in
chains, afterall! Maybe I should've waited but then the memories
might have been weaker. If only I could make it up to you I would
do just that. Perhaps I'll record a new album, bring together the
old band. No tour, just a record and maybe a few videos. I'll
sing about what happened, ease my pain this way and give you the
gift of my music in the process. Would you like that? The Vampire
Lestat resurrected. Yes, I think I might just do that. And Louis
will be there by my side. And maybe the others will come, just to
listen in the studio while we record. And maybe my mother will
finally show up and sit with me quietly knowing my thoughts yet
not really being able to read them. Oh! To hold her again!
 
Louis will help me with this. He loved music and listened to many
different kinds. He could help procure the band for me. Perhaps
he would sing with me? He would be there for me and that would be
enough. But I still crave the cameras, the attention, the
spotlight. Yes, some things never change... I am the Vampire
Lestat afterall...
 
July 14, 1995
Lestat de Lioncourt