Disclaimers: not to infringe on the rights of Anne Rice or any of the wonderful songwriters I have borrowed lyrics from…there are a lot of them. (in order of appearance…*g*) Red Hot Chili Peppers-My Aeroplane, K.D. Lang-Constant Craving, Eve 6-How Much Longer, Bush-Glycerine, Alanis Morisette-that I would be good (and later “can’t not” and “sympathetic character”) Fiona Apple-Get Gone and I Know

Spoilers: Up to TVA in an abstract way.

Notes: I know that I’m doing the spec challenge, but I was to depressed today, and yesterday for that matter, to think in terms of silly, so I thought I’d post something for you to read just the same…as if everyone else isn’t posting like mad…*g* keep it up!! and btw, this is a sort of abstract piece from Daniel’s point of view, the second part will be from Armand’s.
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I’m feverish, I’m waiting, I’m wanting. The heat of my wishes blisters the paint, I can’t stop moaning. I’m crying, I’m begging, God don’t leave me. He’d press me against the wall and I’d lick it’s coolness whispering for him to hurt me. I swore I’d die if he didn’t beat me ‘til my skin wouldn’t heal—make me hollow. I’m screaming. You know you’re heaven in my eyes no matter where you kiss me, don’t kiss me—hit me. All you wanted to do was hit me and when you grew bored I couldn’t bear you to stop. My skin would sweat against the chains and I’d run my tongue along the coolness on the metal for the faint taste of blood. give me your blood, at least let me smell it. Drive me insane, nibble lightly at my toes, earlobes. Stain the wall with my shame and pleasure, put your fingerprints next to mine. Mine, you were never mine, but I will always be yours. Even as I stand alone, without shackles or bindings, caressing the wall and begging it to return my advances. I dig my nails deep into my back, but nothing can compare to you.

( I like pleasure spiked with pain…
Constant craving, has always been)

I can’t take this mental abuse, please, let’s be physical. Fuck me over, place your bet~I’ll place or show, tell me how you want it and I’ll be your slave for longer than you’ll have me. I need to sit down, no I’ll lay. Come back to me, I’m putting my flesh on display. I’m on my back, slick skinned, and limbs dangling off of my naked bed. My love, I am delirious, the thought of you makes the room spin, rock my world. Lick the tears from my face and hair, riddle my legs with black and blue. I’m in so much pain because I don’t have a scratch on me. Change it. Or end it. End me.

(Drag this neurotic to hysterics Leave him balked and unfulfilled holding inside outwardly patient ‘till the time he’d call it Alluring exotic twisted hero Leaving him more lonely still He waits around he’s spun around and left without the power to stop it)

did I somehow slip my collar? Didn’t I respond to you needs? I tried to show you how good it felt to be masochistic, but I could never whip you hard enough. A fist to the face was a fly to a giant, a knife equaled a mosquito. If you didn’t like it, why wasn’t I allowed to stop? Lover, you exhausted me and pleasured me with no more than a glare and a sarcastic smile. Without half trying you broke me in two—was I too easy? Answer me! I’m deafening everyone with my shouts, I know you can hear me in your room at the top of the world. But you won’t come down. You wouldn’t come down. You wouldn’t come.

(if I treated you bad
you bruise my face
couldn’t love you more
you got a beautiful taste)

At least say something. Say yes. I’ll know you want me gone. Just say yes. Just nod. Meet me, do it to me in person. So you can remember the look in my eyes as my soul shatters, you can beat off to it. I know you would, I want to give you pleasure. I want you to use me, tell me I’m a well-made tool. That I’m not a bargain, did you pay for me or wasn’t I worth a cent? So pathetic I had t be ruined, I know you don’t want me. You’ll never say it. Can’t even write it. Had to end it publicly. Had to expose you triumph, say I wasn’t even worth killing. I’ve been put below murder. And you do it every night. Lucifer have mercy on me.

(that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you)

Don’t you dare come crawling back, I wouldn’t take you—couldn’t force myself to jump at the chance. That’s how you think so how does it feel? Fuck you and your super-imposed lies. You’re plastic, unreal. A fake. A cheap imitation, a god-damned knock-off. One in a million. I’d wash my hands of you, but you didn’t even leave an impression. That’s you. What if I acted just like you? Like that? I think you’d marry me. I’d rather burn.

(you got your game, made your shot, and you got away
with a lot, but I’m not turned-on….
How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can’t breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
Then I’m much obliged to up and go
I’ll idealize, then realize that it’s no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
There’s nothing left to grieve
Fuckin go--)

Am I the only one who feels this way? I can’t be, you are so screwed up and seductive I know millions must masturbate to the thought of you. It’s crude, but so are you. The face of an angel with premature morals that have become concrete—I hate to tell you, but the only world you are the center of is mine. You’ll never acknowledge that, and with me it’ll never be ok~that’s just how it happened. I can’t heal and you can’t be hurt so why does it matter? Because I’m in love and it’s like trying to squeeze a watermelon out of a pea-sized hole.

(so be it, I’m your crowbar
if that’s what I am so far
until you get our of this mess
and I will pretend
that I don’t know of your sins
until you are ready to confess
but all the time, all the time
I’ll know, I’ll know…..

And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you’ve early closed your curtains,
I’ll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the line to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It’s ok, don’t need to say it.)

Because I can’t not
Because I can’t not
Because I cannot walk without my crutches

And I know it will never be ok.

To think at first I was afraid you’d hit me if I’d spoken up. I was afraid of your physical strength I was afraid you’d hit below the belt I was afraid of your sucker punch I was afraid of your reducing me I was afraid of your alcohol breath I was afraid of your complete disregard for me I was afraid of your temper I was afraid of handles being flown off of I was afraid of holes being punched into walls….
You were my very own sympathetic character.
******************** Disclaimers: no infringement on Anne Rice or on any of the songwriters cause I used more lyrics! Garbage: Special, Fiona Apple: On The Bound (and later The Way Things Are), Bush: Cold Contagious (and later Altered States), Eve6: Jesus Nitelite, Alanis Morissette: One

Spoilers: abstractly TVA

Notes: ok, like I said, this is abstractly from Armand’s pov….and also, I know I used the same artists for the lyrics…but they were just the best for the job…*g*
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There you are, hiding in the corner. Your mouth hanging open like your thoughts. I don’t think you’re crying hard enough, how am I supposed to know you love me? Because I can torment you? That’s no great feat, I could bend anyone to my will. I could make them like it, want it. They all love me, but I don’t think you do. No matter how much I hurt you. No matter how much time I waste and you couldn’t care less. All you can do is senselessly adore me without understanding. It isn’t real, nothing about our tryst is. You think I’m your God, but don’t you know I can never be owned? I’m untouchable.

(I’m living without you but I know all about you. I have run you down into the ground and spread disease about you all over town. Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special. I thought you should know. But I’ve run out of patience, I couldn’t care less.)

We all thought I was invincible. We all knew it had to be true. You broke me down, you took hours of me away. My brow would sweat, my arm would ache, hard earned feeling clouded my eyes. What was I feeling? Fun? That’s all it could have been…I liked to work you to tears, I liked to split your skin. I needed to know how much you could take, how much would you endure for me. Too much. Not enough. I don’t know. Why did you even pay attention to me? You were my android, my prosthetic whore, and how could I have been so angry? It wasn’t my temper—I don’t know what it was…I was being invaded. I had to resist. I couldn’t succumb to love, love cannot survive. We’ll never make it.

(I don’t know what I’m doing, don’t know should I
Change my mind, I can’t decide, there’s too many
Variations to consider)

We never would have made it, so what was the sense it trying? Why should I keep you around to bust my balls when I knew I would have to give you up? I ruined you, blackened you, charred you. Your beautiful face. Your beautiful skin. Your beautiful mind, that I trashed. I played, I torched it with kerosene and lies. Of course I couldn’t let you in. You weren’t allowed to know! You! I might have cared, but I will never tell you that! Maybe if you had responded, but probably not. Not even decent enough to leave me your card, go on, only leave me the blame. Fucking gift wrap it, give me something else to choke on. I know it’s to involved for you. I was to involved for you. Not even good enough for a Dear John letter.

(Wherever you are you have no right
You will carry always to calm me down
Truth of the scars you were never that around
And the darkness of your faith I have missed
Slowly move on cold contagious
How did we get to here all the mighty mighty men
It all went wrong what you save is what
Gravity claiming all your tears you lose out in the end
Everything looks cold contagious
So much better now paint your perfect day
You will get yours I don’t mind this
You have no right I’m better off by the way
To ask me now deeply grounded
You were never that around you will get yours
I have missed cold contagious)
Reality daytrips and your
Suit me suit me ways
Turn out the light switch
We’ve been awake for days
And no-one’s coming round
Here no more
You will get yours

Of course that would mean it was your fault. It was! It wasn’t! I didn’t have to laugh at you when you tried to run away. Or when you tried to keep me happy. In my world happy doesn’t exist. All there is is torture and entertainment. You were one hell of a show. I’m not allowed, but if I could I would buy a ticket every night from here to eternity, just so I could watch you. I don’t want anyone else to watch you, I don’t want anyone else to touch you. You want anyone but me to be with you, because I’m just not any fun. I’m just not fair….I have no boundaries, I’d never stop taking. If only you had taught me how to give.

(I wouldn’t know what to do with another chance
If you gave it to me
I couldn’t take the embrace of a real romance
It’d race right through me…
I wouldn’t know what to say to a gentle voice
It’d roll right past me
And if you chalk it up you’ll see I don’t really have a choice
So don’t even ask me)

Life could never cut me a break and I could never resist a deal that brought me pain. Now you are distant. If you hadn’t strayed I wouldn’t have announced it to the world. You had my attention. But you were difficult, and at first I thought it was coy. Then it was just a pain in the ass. There wasn’t a chance in hell, we’d never make it. I wanted to try, even all I would win was a fling. I won a lifetime lover, and I lost it. Everyone is playing finder’s keepers, you’re crowd surfing on the world’s mosh pit. I don’t get to touch you, all you do is spit on me. And they all think it’s funny.

(Your eyes shine bright like a Jesus nitelite I’d like to touch your positive vibes Indifferent eyes won’t give me the time May I help put aside your moral fiber You’re dressed in white my face is white I’d like to be a colorful sight to see I’m only here in the background)

I will never apologize, but know that as much as I can be, I’m sorry. I was backwards. You weren’t me, why did I treat you like it? All I could think of was how I needed to be put in line, so I took it all out on you. A punching bag I can’t live without and many things have happened since you cut yourself free. In public I tried to denounce you, I couldn’t stand you, you were such a neurotic bastard. A self-indulged prick. I was tired of you. If you only knew I was just plain tired. I’m just tired.

(I am the biggest hypocrite
I’ve have been utterly threatened
I’be gotten candy for my self interest
The sexy treadmill capitalist
Heaven forbid I be criticized
Heaven forbid I be ignored.
I have abused my so-called power forgive me)

Don’t you dare forgive me. I’d have to kill you. Don’t approach me, don’t love me, don’t even think about me. No, think about me. Think about me all the time, I’d never know the difference. Don’t let me know the difference. If I found out that I was wrong all along by way of solid proof, I’d have to kill you. I’m just tired of thinking about what I could have done differently. I’m just tired of missing you.

(killing nostalgia for future swims
TRASH ALL YOUR BRIDGES
KILL the rock and roll thing
I want to move on with no complaints
Building our walls with yesterday
Might as well shine before you slide
Might as well live before we die
States we’ve been through
A whole lot of emptiness)

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