Hi all! :)= Just a little something I came up with a while back when thinking about what was going on in Lestat's head while he was in a coma all that time. ::Shrug:: Hope you like..love to what you think !:)=

Spoilers: All up to TVA
Disclaimers: Don't own-don't sue

It was cold-always it was cold, waking me from slumber, never fully allowing me rest.
Relentless in its unending pursuit. Eating its way through my flesh, through the very bone
itself. Of course there were other times-times when it was not the cold but the screams
which I awoke to. Screams filled with such terror and rage that it forced me to lift my
head and look around, to see what horrid creature shared this darkness with me, but
always there was nothing. Nothing. But I didn’t remember those times too well anyway.
It was as if my mind was trying....it was if..it was.......cold.

The cold I knew. That I could hold onto, claim as my own. It was all I had. There had
been others....different from my beautiful singing children. No these beings were solid
flesh..in and out...in and out. And such looks they gave! With there persistent ramblings I
couldn’t begin to disearn. Quite beautiful they were-truly. All of them-such beauty. It
was always pleasant to look upon their faces when they came. But it was the singing of
my sweet children that gave some semblance of comfort. Easing my mind, willing it into a
blissful state of nothingness. These others....with their beautiful faces and piercing eyes.
They said things. A jumble of words I could not understand. But sometimes, sometimes I
caught hold of a name. Something just out of my grasp-someone I should know-but
always....slipping from my reach. I seem to recall -vaguely-moments when I do catch a
hold of it...memories and nightmares belonging to someone I don’t know. But these brief
moments, like the waking screams are quickly forgotten. Only a fuzzy void left in their
absence. And part of me knows it better that way. Better a gaping void then...then....I
closed my eyes and listened to the children sing their song for me. I was cold.

***************************************************


*This is not you*

I groaned aloud. Not again. I began to hum louder. Whatever melody I had been carrying
becoming more frantic. I wondered desperately where my children had gone-why had they
deserted me?

*They’ve been dead for years-get over it.*

Concentrate. Eyes closed. Darkness. Cold....Silence....yes......

*Not that easy*

CONCENTRATE....silence....don’t think....no....silence

*Still here*

I screamed out in pure frustration. Had I been able to use my body I would have used that
as a vehicle to vent as well......Not now...please.....I can’t.....lies...all of it .....nothing...

*Sorry*

Can’t

*too late.*

I was completely defenseless against my own mind. Before I could scream out anymore
protests, that thin wall I was trying so desperately to keep in place came crashing down.
And in such a forceful way I knew there was no hope of rebuilding it. A flood of
memories that I could no longer escape from pulled me down with them into my own
personal hell. I watched frantically, unable to look away as once again it unfolded before
me. Images of god, of Memnoch. The crushing joy, the sufficating pain. Trying to make
some sense of it all, knowing it was truly futile.

Nothing.

“Oh my prince-you are so simplistically arrogant. I do so love that about you.”
I turned from the visions before me to see Akasha slipping beside me, a smile playing
across her face. “You and your noble quest for goodness.” she teased, slipping an arm
around my waist as she lay her head on my shoulder in a lovingly painful way. It was so
real having her arms around me once again it hurt.

“Don’t be absurd Akasha. I am a vampire. I entertain no such quest-that would be
foolish.” I was greeted by her melodic laughter.

“How soon you forget your own words. Your decadent evil for the sake of good.”

“Words...childish folly. It was a phase. It passed..”

“Oh really? Than why are you here?” I remained silent, refusing to meet her persistant
gaze. “Oh my beautiful prince.” Her hand stroked my cheek with a gentleness that was
enough to renew my weeping. “Such a contradiction you are. A being of darkness refusing
to let go of the light. You have the power of a god, yet the mind of a child.” She paused,
smiling at me, leaning in to kiss me as she continued. “Your whole life...your wolves,
your Lelio, even your little farce back into humanity. It has all been the same. The actions
of a frightened child in the dark-desperate to keep his flame lit. Always making sure you
were alone on center stage, not letting anyone close enough to the flame to put it out.
And now, like a child, you pout. Upset that someone blew your little candle out.”

“But all of it...everything I have ever done! Its all been for nothing....*nothing*! It
doesn’t mean anything at all! How can I possibly accept that?” Once again she laughed,
only furthering my desperation.

“They meant something to you did they not? To those you love? Does the mere fact that
god and the devil don’t give a damn one way or the other effect the impact your actions
have had here on earth? clearly not.”

“But why-”

“Ah yes...why. The favorite question of the foolish. Is it not better to ask what? Or how?
for that matter. Why is such a worthless effort.” My mind was drowning in confusion. I
didn’t even know where to begin.

“Fine-How? How do I go on? How can I possibly? All that I’ve done...tried to do...what
do you do when your reason for living is gone?” Once again with the laughter. Wearing
very thin that.

“Why you simply find a new reason for living of course.” I looked at her dumbfounded.
Her simplicity infuriating-not to mention confusing.

“But I can’t” I said wincing at the childlike sound. “I can’t....don’t you understand. I
can’t bear it.”

“Oh, then you prefer playing the comatose victim? You would rather end out your days
watching those you love look on you with pity and regret? That is of course until they
grow tired of you altogether....not bothering anymore. Leaving you entirely alone.”

“Akasha please...” my voice didn’t even register as a whisper. The sobs ached in my
chest. “I can’t please...”

“Oh you can my price,” She said matter of factly getting up. “You can and you will. You
go on -always have. It is your curse it would seem.” She gave one last small laugh and
was gone. Once again-blackness.

*************************************************************

“Go ahead Lestat-say it.”

I was reluctant to open my eyes, knowing the face that would greet me. There was no
way to mistake that voice.

“Say what Nicki?” I said resenting his presence already. Were *all* my past demons
going to take a shot at me? I opened my eyes to the sound of Nicki’s laugh.

“Hey, don’t blame me-it was your demented mind that brought me here. Though I must
say, it is nice to see that my memory still haunts you. Quite heartwarming really.” He
laughed again, that achingly familiar bitter clip. “But we are getting of track are we not?”
He moved suddenly, casually straddling himself on my knees. as he gave me one of his
cocky smirks. “Well?” he said finally. “Come on Lestat, I’ve been waiting for two
centuries to hear this.”

“What?” I asked again. “What is it that you want? Could you please just tell me so we can
get this over with and you can crawl back to whatever corner of hell you came from?”

“Oh Lestat” he said mockingly, leaning down to muss my hair. “You are just * no* fun
anymore. I leave you alone for a couple of centuries with that whinny stick in the mud and
look what happens.” I felt my old anger rising again. Who the hell did he think he was
anyway? No one messes with my hair.

“Yes, well Louis lacks a certain...spontaneity, but at least hes not a raving lunatic. One of
those little give and take things I suppose.....I’m only going to ask you one more
time..”

“Oh alright....I suppose I would have to spell it out for you wouldn’t I?” he sighed
propping his elbows on his knees and resting his chin in his hands. “Quite simple really.
All you have to say is ‘I, Lestat de Lioncourt, being of-well severely questionable -mind
and incapasitated body, here by confess that I am a complete and total cad, never having
been right about anything in my entire life. I was wrong. And you, Nicolas de Lenfent, in
all your superior intellect were absolutely right.”

“Go to hell.”

“Been there, done that...got some lovely Polaroids.”

“You are even more insane than I thought if you think I would actually say that.” He
laughed again, throwing his head back into it fully.

“But why not Lestat-you know its true.” He leaned forward again, practically laying on
top of me. “Why not just say it? The golden moment is gone-never there in the first place.
I can see it when I look at you . Your radiance, your light that I tried so desperately to
feed from-that I envied for so long. It grows dim Lestat. Almost matching the darkness I
carry.” He laughed -again and again he laughed. “Oh and you have no idea how
utterly....happy that makes me.”

“I will never accept that.” I said more of a reflex than anything. The words held no
conviction.

“Say it Lestat.” Nicki’s laughter came to an abrupt hault as his eyes tore into me.

“But how can I go on?”

“Easily-I did.......say it.” I looked up at him the words falling out of my mouth before I
could stop them.

“Nothing. Nothing....nothing nothing nothing. All of it-the witches place-all of it....you
were right.” I was sobbing uncontrollably, which of course just spurred on Nicki’s
laughter.

“Oh Lestat...pure poetry, you always knew how to turn a phrase. If only I had my violin
with me I could properly mark this joyous occasion.” He looked at me with distaste as he
got up. “Oh really Lestat. Don’t you ever get tired of being such a drama
queen?-enough with the tears. Relax...you’ll get by...I did.” I quieted for a moment,
finding some amount of comfort in that fact before I actually thought about it.

“Wait a minute -you went insane Nicki.” He shrugged his shoulders walking out of sight.

“Insane-enlightened-such a thin line.”

“Nicki-wait!. Wait a minute..Nicki!” The last of his laughter filled the air as I cried out
after him.

*****************************************************


“Oh father, this is truly.......pathetic.” Soft steps. Brush of satin. Tickle of lace against my
skin as two small hands framed my face.

“Claudia my sweet how good of you to come. I’ve been expecting you.” I laughed finding
myself terribly amused. So this was it then. This was my hell. A ceaseless parade of past
demons come to open old wounds, make fresh ones. Not the most inventive form of
torture -but I guess I couldn’t really blame Memnoch. Given his job description I’m sure it
pays to be a one track kind of guy. “But really ma petite, I’m surprised you waited so
long. I thought you would have been first in line for tickets for this.” She laughed along
with me. Oh was there any sound more heartbreaking ?

“Really Lestat, this is worse than Louis ever was. Even during his ‘rat years’. How you
would enjoy laughing at him if your roles were reversed. But no Lestat....” she sighed, her
voice as soothing as only a childs could be, “I do not enjoy seeing you like this. Seeing
you suffer so could never bring me any sort of happiness.”

“Oh of course my precious, of course.” I said in mock sincerity. “And now you are
here...out of the goodness of your heart no doubt...to bestow your own words of wisdom
non? Another twisted little pep talk hhmm? Fight the good fight...embrace the
darkness...only you can help you...come on lets have at it cherie-I’m ready.”

“Oh father, no no no. As always you misunderstand.” Her words held all the
bittersweetness of the innocent child, knowing I was a sucker for it. She lay her small head
upon my chest, one of her tiny fingers playing with a loose strand of my hair. “I am not
here for anything so foolish. I came to offer you an invitation.”

“An invitation?”

“Yes father, to join me. I love you too much to fill your head with such hopeless
nonsense....It is not meant to be Lestat. You can no longer be a part of their world. You
know it, I know it, Louis-”

“Claudia-”

“Our beloved Louis knows it Lestat. They all know it. They feel it as surely as they feel
the suns pull every morning. Yet none of them wants to be the first to admit it-to
themselves or each other. They need you Lestat. They all do, whether it be for love or
hate, they all need you. That golden image-the brat prince.....But thats not what they see
when they look at you now. Now you are just another one of the fallen. A reminder of
what was, a glimpse at their on frailty. And no one needs more of that. You have lost
your purpose. You are no more than a painful burden to those who love you.”

“Claudia....why do you say such things?” despair choking my words as she gave voice to
all my doubt and fear.

“Because you will hear them father! You need to hear them.” Her voice took on all the
fury of hell itself before falling back into her sweet innocence once again. The change
was so instantaneous it was monstrous. “You are so tired Lestat. This whole ordeal...it
was simply too much. You need rest..peace.”

“But I don’t-”

“There are those that would harm you Lestat.” she quickly cut in. “Even if you did win
this battle within yourself. You will have others to face *many* others, who would gladly
scatter your ashes through their fingers. You are in no condition to fight them...would it
not be easier to just....let go? You know you have thought about it before, even tried it a
couple times. And now it would be so easy. Close your eyes Lestat.” I silently obeyed,
taking in all that she said. So seductive my child love. “You’ve killed Armand....you’ve
lost all faith in yourself and the world around you. You know its all for nothing....How
can you possibly go on? Is that not the question you have desperately been searching for
an answer to? Well I have your answer father, -you can’t.” I lay there listening to her
words as though hypnotized. I wanted what she offered-desperately. I wanted nothing
more than to just take her hand..let go. So easy.....

“What did you say?” my eyes snapped open.

“You’ve killed Armand you’ve lost-”

“No, no what was that last thing you said-my answer?”

“You can’t” It took a moment for it to sink in. I lay silent-until the laughter came. I
couldn’t stop.

“Oh thank you Claudia, thank you... truly-thank you.” If I could have hugged her I
would have. And suddenly I realized I could. My arms went out to reach her, wrapping
my arms around her tiny waist as I buried my head in her golden curls.

**********************************************
The darkness surrounded me as I opened my eyes. I realized I was sitting up. I had to
stand, I had to leave this place. Music. There was music playing somewhere. I left the
coldness of the chapel for the soft comforting breeze of the night. I had no idea how
much time had passed or where the others had gone. All I knew at that moment was that I
had to find the source of that music. I had to prove a certain blond haired demon wrong.

END