Spoilers: Everything through the first chapter of Merrick

Disclaimers: Don't own don't sue




"Well, I didn't expect to see you back here again."

"He's alive….." I sat down in a haze, making myself comfortable on a nearby discarded crate. I tried to distance myself from the statement, letting it slip from my mind along with everything else. "I had to see…..I had to know for sure….."

"And that was it?"

"It's enough."

"What about the others?"

"Enough……" I said dispairingly, placing my hands to my temples trying to rub out the memories of those few moments of consciousness. Willing myself back into that blissful state where once again my dreams took over the burden of my reality and reality could fade away into so much white noise. "Let's have a drink shall we?" I said, straightening up to fetch us a bottle of the taverns finest vintage.

"Far be it from me to ever refuse a drink." He said good naturedly, taking the bottle from me after I had had a good swig. "But we can't stay in this tavern forever Lestat." He shifted slightly, laying back against the wall on a ripped straw mattress.

"Why not?" I said defensively taking the bottle back from him, not really wanting a logical reply.

"Well, for one thing I went completely insane, threw myself into the fire and died Lestat. ……..I gotta tell you it's a little hard to go back to the good old days after that."

"Stop it!" I rose from the crate, smashing the bottle against the far wall. "You can't let me have this, even now can you? Do you hate me so much still? After all these years? Would you deny me this one last fragment of happiness in what's left of my mind?"

"Oh Lestat….." he rose slowly from the floor, making his way over to me with a playful stride. "Still with the dramatics I see. Always the actor non?" He smiled slightly, one of those rare untainted smiles of his that so few see. He cupped my face as he stroked my cheek lightly, leaning in for a kiss. "Would I be here now if I hated you so much?" He pulled away, tugging at my cravat. "You can't stay here in this tiny room forever, mon ami." He walked away slowly, bringing back another bottle of wine. "Soon there will be no more wine." He took off the cork using his teeth, than handed the bottle to me.

"We have enough."

"Not nearly as much as you think Lestat." He took the bottle from me in mid sip, causing it to spill down my chin. He set it on the far side of the room, away from us both, than came back over to me. Leaning in to nibble my lip, he proceeded to clean off the spilt wine. I shivered as I felt his moist tongue against my skin. That all too familiar but long forgotten touch that had been burned into my soul so many years ago. He trailed his way slowly down my neck, carefully licking up the last few renegade drops. "Not quite as sweet as the blood is it?" He said, finally pulling away.

"I should think our pallets are better suited for it however."

"Ha!" he barked slapping his knee, "Now I know you are delusional. No ones pallet was less suited for wine than yours my friend. If you deceive yourself of this even still than you have truly learned nothing. And I refuse to believe that even you are that dense."

"I never wanted this life Nicki, I wasn't given a choice."

"horseshit.-You begged Louis for his blood, you couldn't stand your human body and all the minor inconveniences it caused you."

"That was after."

"Yes, after. After you had the taste for blood to begin with. The wine quenches the momentary thirst but it can not feed the hunger inside of you Lestat."

"Never again……."

"Yes, so you keep saying. But that doesn't calm the hunger does it Lestat? Your refusal to acknowledge it does not negate its existence. If you continue to deny what you are, what you need, it will only enslave you more."

"Not what I am-what Magnus made me."

"Ahhhh yes, it always has to be someone else fault does it not? But it wasn't Magnus who made you what you are Lestat. It is your own arrogance, your own pride, your own fear that has made you what you are. Nothing more, nothing less."

"Really, and what exactly is that?"

"You tell me, Because the creature standing here in front of me is not the Lestat I know. I can hardly recognize you through all the self-pity you have clothed yourself in. Too scared to live, even more afraid to die, so you will yourself into this state of limbo hoping that it will all just go away. You are more childish than you were when you were young-that much is certain. The Lestat I knew would never cower away the years, immobile on the floor of some deserted chapel."

"You know nothing of me or what I've been through! How dare you judge me."

"Oh you're right Lestat, my two hundred years in hell can in no way compare to your few brief moments. How thoughtless of me." The sudden knowledge of my absurdity quickly surfaced and I felt a momentary pang of guilt. I could see for the briefest of moments all the weight of those years reflected in his eyes. The centuries of torture that he has silently suffered, which I could not stand for even the shortest span. But as quickly as I glimpsed it, it was gone, replaced by one of his toothy lopsided grins. However, the knowledge remained and it could not be ignored.

"But how do you live with it?" I asked desperately, hoping for some sort of solution.

"I don't live with it Lestat." He laughed. "I die with it, countless agonizing deaths every second of every day throughout eternity. Time without end."

"How? How can you bare it?"

"There is no how Lestat there is only what is. And what is is what is and what is done is what is done and nothing can change that. Not here anyway."

"I refuse to accept that. It's too horrible…."

"That is why you have to go back Lestat."

"I can not."

"You must, you don't understand what is going on. But if you don't go back now, you will do irreparable harm to those you love, especially Louis."

"I am no good to anyone can't you see that. If I go back…..if I go back it will still be there…..all of it. And I can't…….I……play something for me." I stood up pacing, desperately wanting to change the subject. "Play me your violin, it has been so long."

"That is a luxury I am not allowed Lestat. Now stop pacing and listen to me."

"But there it is…..by the fireplace, just waiting to be plucked. Come, one tune…surely you can give me that."

"Yes there it is, and there it shall remain Lestat." He came over to me, haulting my steps with his strong arms. He took hold of my jaw firmly forcing eye contact. "You can't ignore it forever Lestat. Can you not hear the bar keep on the steps? We must pay our tab."

"No….." I tried to get away from him, but his hands held me tight.

"It will always be there Lestat, no matter where you are. You can not escape it."

"But its not here….you are here."

"Yes, and why exactly is that Lestat? Do you even know? Out of all the being you sent to hell why seek me out? And don't you dare speak of soul bonds or undying love because I know I was replaced in your heart a long time ago."

"No….you are right, it is not that."

"What then? Why come back here."

"I don't know really…..you are really my one link to it all." I said abruptly, the reality of the words only fully hitting me after I Spoke them aloud. "TO what I was, what I became."

"Gabrielle knew you as a mortal."

"She knew my mortal self, in the limited role of mother and son we circled around but she never really knew me. Not as you did. She never danced with me in an open field, just for the simple joy of feeling the sun on our face and the grass beneath our feet. She never shared her passions so naked and raw before me as we did together. You are my…..innocence. My one link to a world that is otherwise lost to me. The world of a mortal boy whos greatest fear in life was being able to get in a quickie before my father found us in the loft."

"Ha, I don't believe anyone has ever referred to me as innocent before."

"Oh but you were, we were. Our heart bleeding declarations of love and devotion, of destiny and fate. The life and death pledges that can only come from the young and naive. I want that again. A world where darkness does not exist. No creatures of the night to steal us away."

"Really? That’s what you want? To be dead and buried these many years, knowing that ultimately your life amounted to nothing? To die another peasant in the valleys of france. To not even be a memory? No marker to stand for you? Is that what you really want?"

"It's better than the burden of knowledge."

"Knowledge is life Lestat, without it there is nothing. Purity and innocence don't last because life must kill them off. To resist that simple common fact is to willing embrace death and that is something I know for certain you would never do."

"Don't be too sure."

"Stop it Lestat, just stop." Nicki pushed back away from me. "If all you are going to do is wallow in self pity than I am going to leave. Hell would be much more preferable to listening to your drivel."

"No don't go!….you can't " I lunged forward, grabing his arm. "Please…"

"Lestat you have to listen to me." He, twisted around, replacing my grip with one of his own. "Because believe it or not, not everything in this world revolves around you. I'm not here to dwell in nostalgia with you and relive the good old days. I'm here because I'm the only one that could warn you."

"Warn me of what?"

"That is what I've been trying to tell you…..its Louis Lestat, he's in danger."

"They aren't my concern anymore. I can't do anything to help him."

"Oh but you're the only one that can."

"Oh and why is that? In case you hadn't noticed we haven't been all that close the past couple hundred years."

"Because you are the only living being that was as close to Claudia as he was."

"What does Claudia have to do with this?"

"Everything."

Part 2

“What do you mean everything? Claudia is dead and buried, has been for over a hundred years, I hardly see how she can pose a threat to him now.”

“Through the help of your youngest fledgling that’s how. Besides, just because someone has left this material plane of existence doesn’t mean they can’t still do harm, you know -that well enough don’t you.”

“Why would David want to hurt Louis?” I said curiosity getting the better of me for the moment. As much as I wanted to forget them all I knew Louis would be the hardest. Besides, David was a great deal stronger than Louis. If he really wanted to hurt him, it would be a relatively simple task.

“Oh, he doesn’t, in fact it is his misguided attempt at help which has plotted the course for this disaster.”

“Are you egging me into a game of twenty questions or are you going to tell me what is going on?”

“Are you going to go back?”

“That is neither here nor there-now tell me what is going on before I-“

“Kill me? Sorry too late.” He laughed, swatting me away. His humor only made me more aggravated.

“Nicki,” I hissed through clenched teeth, what little patience I had worn gravely thin.

“Do you really care what happens to Louis?”

“Of course I care!”

“Enough to own up to your own demons to help him face his? Why should I bother explaining the situation to you if you have no intension of going back? I don’t fancy wasting my time.”

“And what if I say I will? Is my word suddenly some sort of guarantee? My promises are many but they are fleeting, you of all people should know that my friend.”

“Yes I suppose you’re right.” He said with a sigh. “Even here you must get your way-fine so be it.” He began to pace as he often did when he was consciously trying to collect his thoughts. “You and Louis have not been altogether close since you awoke in the nineteen eighties non?”

“Non.” I said flatly, already not liking where this was going.

“But you are aware of his predisposition toward….. melancholia non.”

“Oui.”

“And you are aware of how keenly he still grieves your daughter?”

“Clauida?….” I said neutrally. Though I was aware Louis still thought of her it was a rather hard blow to have someone outside of our family speak of it in such impartial tones. “He…does not speak of her.”

“Well that is his way is it not? It has been a private pain, one which he nursed himself through the years. But now, after all that has happened these past few decades, all your little escapades and disasters, they have left him feeling more isolated and detached from the world he has known. So much so that the others have taken notice, fearing for his sanity.”

“Louis has always been a fragile soul, that is hardly anything to get overly concerned over.”

“Perhaps, perhaps even this little bout would have passed in due time had David not stepped in, calling on one who he counts as a friend but who is in fact in league with Memnoch himself.”

“What? David wouldn’t do something so foolish!”

“Yes well, friendship makes fools out of the soundest minds doesn’t it Lestat?” He said sarcastically, giving me a hard glare before pressing on. “Memnoch plans on seducing Louis with the spirit of your daughter through David’s medium.”

“What would Memnoch possibly want with Louis?” I asked curiosity turning to all out concern.

“An easy route to you? His work isn’t done Lestat, not nearly. He still needs you.”

“Ha! Not bloody likely.”

“Which is exactly why he needs a bargaining chip. He knows your weaknesses Lestat, he knows you would not let your beautiful one suffer if there was a way you could stop it.”

“Lies……..all lies….” I began pacing the room frantically knocking over any furniture that got in my way, not wanting to listen to any more. I wanted to once again escape into my blissful state of nothingness, but Nicki would not allow it. And the thoughts of Louis in that place….even if there was the slightly possibility it could be true….it was too much to bear. “What will happen to him?” I asked finally, slowing my pace when there was no more furniture to demolish.

“A fate worse that what you or I have to contend with that is for sure.”

“But why? Why would Claudia do something like this? She would never hurt Louis.”

“Of course not Lestat. It wouldn’t actually be Claudia’s spirit-merely Memnoch disguised as her.” He came up beside me, putting a steadying hand on my shoulder. His face seemed to soften for the briefest of moments. “She is out of his reach Lestat, you need not worry on that account. She has moved on.”

“Moved on?”

“Her soul has returned to the maker.” I looked up to him in utter amazement as the meaning of his words sunk in, all else forgotten for the moment.

“My Claudia?…..in heaven?” Tears that I had not allowed for so long began to flow freely as I thought of my precious daughter, her soul finally at peace. A long lost feeling of fatherly pride gripped at my heart. “I have been forgiven then?” I whispered, more to myself then Nicki. It was a thought to valuable to be said fully aloud.”

“By Claudia, yes-but Louis is another story. And I hate to ruin your little hallmark fathers day moment here Lestat but that is what we need to focus on right now. His inability to forgive you, and more importantly himself will condemn his soul to the furthest depths of hell for all eternity. It is a fate no mortal or immortal should have to endure. And one which you must stop.”

“But you don’t Know Louis as I do….” I said quickly, looking for any kind of out I could find. “He is not one to let his emotions rule him. He is much too level headed for that. He is practically the poster boy for the age of reason for crying out loud.”

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself Lestat? Because either way it isn’t working. You know when it comes to Claudia he has never been able to think logically. From the very first moment he laid eyes on her she had him wrapped around his little finger.”

“I remember quite well thank you…..I always hated her for that.”

“I think the word you mean is envied Lestat. You always envied her for that. That hold that you tried to achieve so desperately, which came so effortlessly to her. That hold which has grown even stronger since her death.”

“Yes…I knew the moment her fate was sealed in Paris that I had already lost him…she took a large piece of him with her.”

“The most important piece…”

“His heart.”

“Exactly, and wouldn’t you like to get that back again finally? To lay to rest all the demons that have stood between you two for so long?”

”It’s too late for that now”

“It will be if you stay here much longer. Do you even know how long you have been here Lestat?”

“A few hours, a few days….doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t matter because nothing matters here. Nothing exists here.”

“That was sort of the point wasn’t it?”

“But it won’t be enough Lestat can’t you see that? Look around you-this couldn’t even sustain you when you were mortal. Soon the monotony of it all will get the better of you and you will want to reenter the world again. But it will be a world without your Louis. Is that really what you want? Do you think you could actually live in a world in which Louis is no longer a part of?”

“Why not have Claudia intervene then? Why you?”

“I told you Lestat, she has moved on, these petty concerns are beneath her now.”

“Why you then? Out of all the beings in the world that could help Louis why are you here? I would think you would be the last one to want to help him.”

“Well, I will agree there is no love lost between us that is true. As a replacement for me he is quite a pale substitute-much too whiney for my taste. But I’m not here for him I’m here for you.”

“The only thing harder to believe than you helping Louis.”

“Oh what you think I’m still angry at you?”

“well it is what you’re best at isn’t it.”

“Yes well you would be amazed at what a couple hundred years in hell will do to your personal dogma.”

“Oh so you forgive me too then? Well what a red letter day for Lestat.”

“Ha! Even if I have forgiven you, you don’t think I’d let you off the hook so easily do you?”

“So good to know some things never change Nicki.” I said dryly.

“Hey if there is one thing I’ve leaned down there, its to take your kicks where you can get them. But we are getting sidetracked again. As I said, I’m here for you not Louis. Because I know if Louis were to fall to Memnoch You would not be far behind.”

“So.”

“So you don’t know what he has planed for you this time-I do.” He looked at me, pleading with me silently to see the truth that was too terrible to be spoken. Me in my stubbornness refused however, opting for the much more popular mode of denial.

“Nicki…..” I said, moving closer to him, “Lets forget all this nonsense and superstition. I’m much more interested in the here and now….” I smiled moving my hands down to the top of his breeches. “Don’t you think it’s about time we got reacquainted?”

“Lestat stop- I came here to help you not feed your delusions.” He pulled my hands down away from his pants and I pushed him back angerly. “I have given you your warning, there is nothing more I can do now.”

“Wait, you just can’t leave.” I moved forward to pull him back again but he was too quick for me, pinning my arms at my side.

“But I already did Lestat-200 years ago, you can’t mourn a dead soul twice.”

“But Nicki wait-I-“

“Non Lestat. You said yourself that I was merely a personification of your innocence, your purity. Well let me be that to you now -forever lost.”

And with that he was gone. No fanfare no dramatics, just and all encompassing darkness that began pulling me down. I cried out for Nicki frantically but my screams were lost in the void.




Part 3

The darkness was smothering, pressing in around me, filling me until my lungs were constricted and my body was weighed down against it. It was like I was sinking in a vast ocean, frantically trying to break through to the surface. But I was so disoriented I could not tell which way was up. Everytime I felt myself getting close, I would come away with a handful of sand.

I tried screaming for Nicki, but I had no air to force it out beyond my throat. I could hear other voices around me, low and muted. They seemed vaguely familiar but I couldn't concentrate enough to actually place them. They all seemed to blur together finally, a lulling distraction in the darkness. I tried to follow them, use them as a guide to escape, but they were too elusive. Every time I thought I was getting close, the voices would fade, move in another direction entirely. I was chasing echoes.

It wasn't until I heard the soft pliant laughter from behind me that I found my footing. I followed the sound of her laughter, looking for any sort of release from this void. Finally, I saw the faintest flickering of candle light, and running toward it, my eyes flung open with welcomed clarity. But even as they did I knew this was nothing more than another dream, not the long lost consciousness I had been seeking.

And it was a dream I was achingly familiar with, having had it many days throughout the centuries. More often than not actually. I walked into the room reluctantly, knowing all too well the scene that would unfold before my eyes. I took in the scenery around me, every detail vividly scorched onto my heart and mind. From the dancing shadows the oil lamps made against the wall, right down to the intricate oriental design of the rug and the added pattern of my spilt blood as it slowly soaked into the delicate fibers. This was the room of my death. Not the only 'death' I have experienced in my two hundred years, but certainly the most painful,- most relived. I have heard people say that the most agonizing experience in the world is the loss of a child. Having gone through that particular loss myself, I can sympathize. Though they are wrong. The most painful experience in the world is to be killed by your own child, witnessing the physical manifestation of all the contempt and hatred that you have only glimpsed in long suffering glances. Its not the knife I feel so keenly everytime I recall this moment, but the look in her eyes.

Bracing myself I entered the room, ready to look upon those eyes once again. But what I saw was much worse.

"Bon soir, papa. You are just in time." She giggled as though she was still that lost little girl I held in my arms so long ago. The eyes….the eyes were all wrong.

"Claudia what the….." And then I realized what was wrong with the setting before me. There, on the ground-in my place, was a very drugged, very disoriented Louis. "What is this?" I asked Claudia, not able to take my eyes from Louis who was making a feeble effort to rise to his knees, feeling his way around with flailing arms.

"Payback, retribution, vindication, validation, boredom-who knows" She shrugged, giggling once again. "Does it really matter? I want to see what will happen, what it will feel like. And I always get what I want don't I papa." She made her way over to me, her lower lip out in a pout and her eyes as wide as saucers as she looked up at me. A face she had perfected early on when she leaned my helplessness against it.

"But Claudia…..this is madness….you loved Louis. He never hurt you, not like I did, its not him you want to hurt, its me." I pleaded desperately as she made her way over to Louis, taunting him with the knife.

"Oh but that grows so tiresome Lestat." She said pouting once again. "It's no fun anymore, you are just much too easy. Besides, its not like I could have ever held any real grudge against you. We were much too similar for that. But Louis……Louis was different. I loved him, and time and again he would refuse me. Leaving me finally for that imp of a man Armand. Non Lestat…..he deserves this. He was the cause of my death much more so than you. "

"Non, he loves you, not a night goes by that he doesn't not mourn you. Please don't…..you can't do this Claudia!"

"Why not, if I don't do it, you'll get around to it soon enough, why should you get all the fun."

"I would never do such a thing to Louis."

"just because you don't use a knife doesn't mean you aren't killing him Lestat. you're already half way there, that’s why I have to act now. While there's still some left for me."

"Claudia non!" I raced forward, trying to stop her before she plunged the knife in once again.

"You never let me have any fun papa." She said crossing her arms in front of her in a full blown pout. "He's like a little lost puppy isn't he?" she said, studying Louis' flailing body with all a child's earnest, laughing the more he cried out.

"This isn't you Claudia…..it's not working –you're long dead. There is nothing you can do to me or Louis….this isn't real…"

"Yes….I suppose that would be easier for you to believe Lestat. It would make things so much easier for you. You're right though, this isn't me-I should have been dead. Not this monster you created. I should have died that night, an innocent-following ma pauvre maman to heaven. But you wouldn't allow that. I was never allowed to be myself because of you. That's the real tragedy of all of this you know. All I could be was the manifestation of Louis' guilt and the sum of all your mistakes. Was Claudia even my Christian name? I don't remember."

"Claudia, stop it-this isn't real!" I repeated, trying to convince myself more than her.

"Reality is so subjective. I'm sure it seems real enough to Louis." She said stabbing him in the side until he cried out once again. "See." She smiled brightly. "Huh." She said after a pause, her smile turning into a thin line of concentration. She came closer, circling me with interest. "Funny…..that’s exactly the same spot Louis stood as he watched me slit your throat." The thought seemed to amuse her greatly. "So tell me papa-are you going to do as he did? Shall you stand idly by as you watch me kill him?"

TBC......