Standard disclaimers

Spoilers: Takes place during ItwV, Dream Crime, A place closed in Secrecy, Conviction

Dedictation: To Ralza and MOM for always commenting on my writing, Addie for encouragement and byzanthen for the warnings ( I keep my butt away from dark streets :) )

Characters: Louis, Lestat, Claudia

Notes: Narrator change, from now on Louis pov

Sorry for any mistakes,. I am tippng this on a greek keyboard and I must mostly quess what the signs mean.

Torn

I am cold and I am afraid, lying naked on the floor. Illusion never changes into something real. I am allready torn.

What has he done?

I can't believe he...he...

That he raped me.

Didn't he?

Yes...no

I don't know.

I didn't do anything to stop him. No attempt, not even the slightest. My god, I even invited him to do it.

"Will you let her alone if you get what you want"

I knew very well what he wanted, knew where it would end.

Here, where I am now, sitting naked on the floor.

But that isn't even the most awfull part about it. If I could blame him, believe that the whole situation is his fault, that he forced me to do it to keep Claudia safe. That this is the only reason why I made the offer.

It isn't.

Part of me wanted it. Enjoyed that he took control of me, that it was ridden of all feelings of responsibility. Jearned for it. Wanted to be claimed by him. That same part that made my body reacting to his touch, my lips responding to his kiss. That thrilled at the sensation of his body joining with mine, that reached out to clasp him thighter to me. A part that loved being fucked by him.

While the other was disgusted. Screaming silently, begging him to stop. One that feared the touch of his cold fingers against my skin, that thought of the blond haired vampire as demonic incubi, crawled out from the deepest pit of hell, just waiting for a moment of distraction to devour my soul.

A part that hates him.

I hate you.

I meant this words as I said them to him. Feeling satisfied to see a faint shimmer of hurt in those stormclouded eyes, becoming a steel grey within a second, cold and emotionless.

And...

I love him.

Love him deep down in my heart. From the first moment I set eyes on him. May I didn't know it then, that there was more than enchantment. But I know it now, and it makes it harder to deal with him. Not wanting to admit it to him, not even to myself. Fearing those feelings, not proper between men. Fearing rejection from his side. That I am not more than a property to him, a walking bank to get money from.

Fearing that he has no feelings for me.

Fearing that he has feelings for me.

Fearing him.

Part 2

Tiptoeing around him, coming to know him. Arguments, fights, because he can't understand me and I can't understand him either. Resignition mixing with love, slowly becoming hate. Hate for his childish ways, for his arrogance, hate for treating me like a piece of furniture, that can be pushed around how he wants to.

Hate and love existing in my heart, a dangerous combination from the start, no feeling getting the overhand.

And now..

I rack my hand throught my hair, whincing as my fingers get stuck into tangels. I stumble to my feet, legs shaking, standing unsteady. The only sound in the room the song of flames and my heavy breathing. The sound of Lestats steps have vanished long ago, became unhearable to my ears. He can't be far away, dawn is approching fast. Not much time left to clean myself, I can't go to sleep like this. Dried bloodstreams on my face and chest, scratches on my back, I don't even want to look at the bloody mess between my legs. The soreness alone is terrible enought. It seems like a joke to me that the only thing clean on me are my socks, still nearly flourocent white against my flushed skin.

Deffinatly, I can't go to rest, lying next to Claudia in such a state. I don't want to answer he questions, don't want to speak with her about this nights events or those that may will come. I don't want her to know anything about this. May I will have to tell her a lie, a lie among so many others. I just hope Lestat wont slip a word. I couldn't face her anymore if he did. I couldn't deal with Claudia knowing and my confused feelings. I wonder if I am even able to handle one of these things.

Gathering my clothes I walk to the door, my pace unsteady, my backside hurting terrible. I throw my shirt over my shoulders, hiding my nakedness as good as possible. I don't want to walk bare, not even the few steps to the bath.

I open the door and wished the very instant I wouldn't have done it. Leaning against the wall, small arms crossed over the chest, head bowed, wild blond locks hiding her face, spilling untamed over her shoulders, her frame shaking slightly.

Claudia.

Shockedf I stair down to her. No that wasn't possible! Not possible that she witnessed the hole act, that she saw everything!! She was unconscious as I brought her to her coffin! Please, god, don't let her know it.

Uncertainly I reach out, touching her small shoulder with shaking hands. She looks up to me, cristall blue eyes brimming over with the dark red of her tears, streaming down over pale cheeks, rosepetal lips trembling. A moment she just stairs at me , her gaze, her eyes, cold even with the tears in them, looking into the deepest pit of my soul, before she throws herself against me, sobbing in my shirt.

More acting on reflex than on thought I lay my arms around her waist, rocking her gently asking her whats wrong, not thinking about my question.

Her voice is suprisingly cold, even, emotionless, like a shard of ice.

"I just cry your tears."

For a moment there is silence between us before she speakes again, head resting on my shoulder. And this time there is emotion in her voice.

"Louis, my dear, the time to leave him has come."

Hate.