OBSERVATIONS FROM THE FLOOR
A parody by Becky Durden.

Disclaimer: Anne Rice owns the vampires, etc. But this is satire, you see, so I think some little law or another allows me to write this. Ha!


This silly diary-type thing is a speculation on Anne's next book. Some say it will be in Lestat's voice again; so I was wondering-- what on earth could he talk about happening in the past five years or so? This, unlike all my other specs, takes "Memnoch" into account.


Kinda parody on "Bridget Jones" and "The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole", which I hope my transatlantic friends have heard of.

Spoilers: Up to Merrick.

Dedicated to: Darkangel, because I love those wonderful specs, Maggie because she is sweet, Addie because I too know what it's like to not be American, and the ace MOM and Jess.

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Lestat's Personal Diary
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DAY: 1, 841
YEAR: five
Time: 9:42 pm

Hello, dear diary. Or at least diary I keep in my head. I am the vampire Lestat. I am immortal, more or... oh, wait, I already know all of this. Anyway, I had a really exciting time today. A beetle crawled right over my face!


DAY: 1, 842
YEAR: five
Time: 10:28 pm

Nothing much happened. Think the dust is settling on me. Hope that really handsome guy comes and wipes it off soon. It itches.


DAY: 1, 843
YEAR: five
Time: 7:31 pm

That really handsome guy...what's his name...uh, Louis, he came by today. Wiped the dust off my back- forgot my sleeves, the fool! He told me that there's a new theatre in town, opening with "Macbeth", whatever that is, and if I ever stop trying to get attention and get up off the floor, we could go and see it sometime, but I'd better hurry, because it close in November. But I'm not worried. The new book comes out sometime in October, and I expect I can get up off the floor at the end of it, until the next one says I've got back down on on the ground. He says it's a pity that I went back before 2000 began. I've missed lots of great things, apparently, like the premiere of Mission: Impossible 2 (I didn't know there was a first one) and Armand finally cracking up and tearing Sybelle into little pieces because she played that tune one too many times. I wanted to ask him to play a radio here once in a while, but he had left before I could move my mouth (dust clogging it).


DAY: 1, 345
YEAR: five
Time: 8:12

Some damn pigeon got in through a window and shit on me! Note to self: kill that bird when I get up off this floor again.


DAY: 1, 346
YEAR: five
Time: 7:25

Apparently, the pigeon likes it here and has brought its stupid mate, too. I am absolutely *furious*. Covered in shit.


DAY: 1, 347
YEAR: five
Time: 9:14

Louis cleaned off the crap, and chased the pigeons out. I really should start paying him, or at least I will if he ever cleans this stupid place up. I mean, you'd think he'd put in a stereo at least.



DAY: 1, 348
YEAR: five
Time: 7:34

Someone is going to die. Louis brought me a stereo, oh yes, and he put it on. A group I had never heard of; "The Spice Girls." I had to listen to THAT for the entire night! And then I exploded the radio. Which is what I'll do to those pop tarts if I ever see them.

DAY: 1, 349
YEAR: five
Time: 7:21

Louis is not talking to me because of my last message. All I had written was not to bother with music in future, because he obviously has no ear for it, and that if he wanted to look like a tramp, fine, just clean the damn place up already. (Note; that is how much dust is lying around here. I could write "War and Peace" in it!) Anyway, he told me that if I thougt it was so important, then I should get up and do it myself.


DAY: 1, 351
YEAR: five
Time: 10;51

Sorry for the lack of entries in the past couple of days. With Louis sulking, it fell to Maharet to talk to me instead. Fell asleep with boredom.


DAY: 1, 352
YEAR: five
Time: 11:22

Louis still staying away. David dropped by, really excited about his new book. Says he's given Louis an advance copy to read, and he'll let him know what he thinks.


DAY: 1, 353
YEAR: five
Time: 7:54

Louis came around today. Very angry; says David's work is awful. He must've thought that I would disagree, so he read out the first fdew chapters to me. Fell asleep.
Note to self: Kill Louis when I get up.
Note to self: Kill David when I get up.


DAY: 1, 354
YEAR: five
Time: 8:48

Damn pigeon came back today, with its entire clan. Cannot see for all the crap.
Note to self: Rid the world of pigeons when I get up.

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The End... or at least, until Lestat has some more exciting adventures on the floor!