Okay, before I start, I want to run with Addie's idea that as much as we authors like to bask in glory, it's nice for people who respond to get feedback as well. I'm grateful for all feedback; it keeps me writing both 'good' work and silly little things like this. So a big thank-you to those who gave feedback on the previous spec, "Louis the Vampire-Slayer slayer", which would be Addie, Bryan, Stacie, Luna and The Nut. you people are invited to my house for tea.
Disclaimer: All characters owned by Anne Rice, Random House, Chuck palahniuk, Jack, Mojo De Lioncourt and Project Mayhem. I'm only a student,and a very poor one at that, and Liverpool is so very far away that I wouldn't bother chasing me up.
Spoilers: Up to QotD, people.
WARNING! EXTREME SPOILER: for "Fight Club." It gives away *that* twist. But then, you're only really likely to fully appreciate this spec if you'veseen the movie/read the ace book/thought up your own theories on who
Tyler Durden is.
*********
Fright Club
*********
After escaping from the hell that is Buffy the Vampire Murderer, our two intrepid vampires Louis and Lestat find themselves in a dark little basement. A group of men are standing in a circle, watching a fight, while a thin guy, the Narrator, chats to his imaginary friend, the delectable Mr. Tyler Durden.
Louis: Oh, yes! I can't believe we've found our way here! This is
one of my favourite films!
Lestat: Great. Lots of dirt to cling to my clothes. Excellent.
Louis: Ssh! Tyler Durden, he's the leader, is coming right over to us! (jumping up and down in excitement)
Lestat: He looks like Brad Pitt. Shirtless. His hair all messed-up and
his pecs covered in sweat.
Tyler: Hey, guys.
Lestat: *drool*
Louis: *drool*
Tyler: I don't think I've seen you here before...
Lestat: No, you haven't.
Louis: (flirting) You'd remember *me*.
(Lestat clips his ear)
Louis: Ow! (rubbing his ear)
Narrator: I think they're new here, Tyler.
Tyler: Aha. Right, then, French guys. You know the rules?
Lestat: The...rules? I HATE RULES!!!!
Louis: Uh, there are rules, Lestat. See, if this is your first night in
Fight Club...
Tyler: ...Then you have to fight.
Lestat: Oh, I can do that! Let me at 'em!
Angel-Face: I'll take him on.
Lestat: Yeah! And don't go pulling out any scripts or anything dirty like that Buffy wench did!
Louis: Just fight him, Lestat.
(Angel-Face and Lestat fight. Of course, one preternatural punch sends Angel-Face into the middle of next week. Lestat dances around the room like a mad-man.)
Narrator: I am Jack's impressed awe.
Louis: Is that your name, then? Jack?
Narrator: No! I'm called...I'm called...(looks confused)
Tyler: Give the game away and I'll totally kill you, French Guy!
Louis: That would be a little hard, actually. You see---
Lestat: Shut up, Louis!
Tyler: Anyway, French Guy #2, It's your turn now.
Louis; Don't. Touch. The. Face.
Narrator: Hey, do you want to join Project Mayhem?
Lestat: What's Project Mayhem?
Tyler: The first rule of Project Mayhem is you do not ask questions
about Project Mayhem.
Louis: Then how, pray tell, are we supposed to decide whether or not we want to join?
Lestat: Doesn't matter. *some* of us can read minds, you know. See,
Louis, it's this thing where you just go around wrecking everything to bring about the destruction of society.
Louis: Why?
Lestat: It's a stupid idea...
Tyler: It's a beautiful vision. Can you imagine hunting elk amongst the debris of the Empire State building? Not worrying about credit bills? Not being dictated to that you are merely the sum of your job, the contents of your wallet?
Lestat: (shrinking away in horror) No! My Jag! My beautiful flat! My Armani suits! You're *mad!* I don't want to be like Gabrielle! NOOOOOOOO!!!
Louis: It sounds wonderful. Think upon it, Lestat. No more rank materialism. We'd be true hunters of the Savage Garden, then.
Wild and free!
(Visions of a mud-caked Mekare engulf Lestat. He's speechless with terror-- mud looks *so* bad with blond hair.)
Lestat; NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Narrator: This guy is totally mad.
Lestat: *I'm* mad?! I'm not the one who thinks i'm two different people!
Narrator: Huh?
Tyler: You're dead, French Guy #1!
Lestat; Well, thanks for noticing.
(Tyler runs at Lestat and punches him in the face. Lestat, stunned, returns the blow.)
Tyler: (laughing maniacally) Aaah, good one!
Narrator: Hey, why is my nose bleeding, too?
Louis: Uh, sympathy pains?
Lestat: This is like listening to Akasha's rants! C'mon, Louis, let's get out of here! (grabs his arm and starts leading him to the door way)
Angel-Face: Wait! Don't you want to help us set fire to the bank?
(Lestat groans as Louis's eyes widen.)
Louis: Fire?
*********
The Night Island Coven. At Night. On the Island. With the coven.
Khayman: So then I said to Phyrrus, 'Why, I do believe that those Greeks are trying to be friendly. It's just a big wooden horse type-thing. It would look so very good in your front
room...
Daniel: *snore*
Armand: *snore*
Lestat; *snore*
Marius: *snore*
Gabrielle: *snore*
(And so on.)
Khayman: (shouting) WELL, I NEVER!!
(Everyone wakes with a start.)
Daniel: (sweetly) Sorry, Khayman. You were saying?
Khayman: Nobody *ever* listens to my stories. Except Louis-- where
is he, anyway?
Armand: (flashing a nasty grin at Lestat.) Yes, Lestat, where *is* Louis? Has he run off with someone else?
Lestat: Shaddup! No, he hasn't. He...just wasn't feeling well, that's all.
Pandora: A vampire? *Not feeling well?*
Lestat: Yes. Tell them to shut up, mummy.
Gabrielle: Yeah, right!
Armand: Whatever. Let's see what's on tv. I can't abide another of Khayman's stories.
Khayman: Cheeky young...
(Armand flicks over)
Jerry Springer: Hey, there. Tonight's guests...
Armand: ...are faked.
(click!)
Angel: I'm a vampire, Buffy...
Armand: ...fake.
(click)
(Baywatch theme starts up.)
Armand: They're fake. And those. And they could never be that big
naturally!
Marius: Oh, just put the news on, Armand.
Armand: Yes, Sir, Mr. Tyrant, Sir.
Marius: Don't make me break out the whip.
Newscaster: ...And in further news today, the underground sabotage group, 'Project Mayhem', has struck again...
Lestat: (standing in front of the tv with a pack of cards.) Okay! Who's up for a game of Strip Poker?
Gabrielle: Get out of the way, Lestat!
Pandora: Yeah, move!
Mekare: Mufff, ugghh rukkin rakstard!
Daniel: You tell him, Kenny.
(Lestat doesn't budge, so Khayman moves him aside with his mind.)
Newscaster: ...the hooligans targetted the First national Bank, laying waste to everything with fire. It is not known whether the reclusive ring-leader, Tyler Durden, was there, but one of the thugs was caught on video, looking like a Calvin Klein model gone insane. And we have that clip now...
(Lestat groans.)
Louis: Yeah! Fire! Burn it all! Burn everything! Watch as it is devoured in a burning rage of glory. (Comes at the screen brandishing his lighter.)
Cameraman: No...no...NOOOOO!!!! Agghhhhh!
(All look in amazement at Lestat.)
Lestat: Uh, um, wow! I suppose he was lying about feeling sick, then?
Marius: You two need serious counselling, Lestat.
(All nod in agreement.)
The End.