So I was driving down the street, thinking about Mary Sues one day and this idea came to me. Now, i have often wondered if maybe my entire world is the imaginings of some strange author. But what if all of a sudden you realized that you were a Mary Sue in a spec? That's what happens here.

Disclaimers: ain't no vampires belonging to me. Yes, she is *very loosely* based on me, but i had to get the mary sue feeling going! hee hee!

Warning: Please take this tongue in cheek.





My name is Viper, and I am a Mary Sue.

Someone has been writing my life into a spec. I’m convinced of this now, even thought I can’t seem to access the page on that writer’s website.

I want to tell you my story, so that if you too are a Mary Sue you can identify yourself. I want to help people who, like myself, are figments of someone else’s imagination. But first let me tell you a few things about me so you’ll start to understand where I’m coming from.

I fit all the basic character-related criteria:

1) Stunning Beauty
I have long, flowing blond hair. My hazel eyes are large in my face and enchanting in their two-toned complexity. Men have been known to fall in love with me with one glance at me. I am thin but well endowed, and at the age of seventeen my figure is rounded and scrumptious.

2) I am innately good, with the highest sense of morals.

3) I have an unusual name.
It was given to me by my godmother Gioe, since I slithered around the floor of her house. My real name is Benedicta Eulalie Smith.

4) Talent in sports, and the arts, as well as dazzling intelligence:
I have a beautiful soprano voice. I can play the piano, flute, piccolo, all four saxophones, clarinet, bassoon, trumpet, French horn, tuba, trombone, baritone, cello, violin and harp with an amazing level of virtuosity. I can read music upside-down, right side up, and backwards. I play volleyball, soccer, racquetball, basketball and baseball in my free time. I write poetry that brings my teachers to tears. I am valedictorian.

5) I have a tragic past and a dark secret.
My mother was a missionary somewhere in Africa. My father came to visit her sometimes, but mostly stayed in the States and did construction work. He was away when she went into labor with me, and the village was attacked by rebel troops. She was killed, but her friend and comrade Gioe managed to pull me from her womb as she died. Gioe raised me for six years before falling ill to the dreaded sleeping sickness. She died and I was sent to America to live with my father.
If I told you my dark secret, it wouldn’t be a secret anymore, would it? But for the purpose of explaining what a Mary Sue I am, I guess I’ll have to say. My father is an abusive alcoholic. (Music, poetry and education are my escapes.)

6) I am a loner and have no friends.
I feel out of place with my peers. I have never been good at interacting with others my own age. I am quiet and keep to myself, except, of course, on the internet.

7) I am infinitely cool.
I am a Vampire Chronicles fan fiction writer. I have won 10 Immortality Awards in the past two years, including Best New Author, Best Silly, Best Romance, Best Long Spec, Best Short Spec and Best Louis. Louis is my favorite vampire. I live in New Orleans. I frequent the graveyards.

You may think I am egotistical and a braggart. I am not. In fact I am usually modest (see #2). But I have to tell it like it is, so that you’ll believe me.

Part 1a

One thing I forgot to mention was my bisexuality. Not necessarily a Mary Sue characteristic, but still. I appreciate the beauty of both sexes, all races and walks of life. Just thought I’d mention it.

Now that I’ve given you such a detailed description of myself I think I can start the story itself.

I have mentioned that I love walking through graveyards at night, haven’t I? Well, I can’t get to the graveyards from my house without walking down dark alleys. I never really paid attention to the fact that it was really dangerous until a cold hand seized my shoulder. It was a hot, muggy night, late spring. I stopped and turned.

Louis!

There was no mistaking it. The emerald eyes, the black hair, the pale flesh.

“Louis…” I breathed like a prayer. His eyes widened. He had not expected to be recognized. He turned away quickly and was gone.

I have already explained the Mary Sue character traits. Now I’m on the Mary Sue Events.

Event #1: your favorite vampire falls in love with you in a chance meeting.

I stood in that alley, too shocked to move. I had met *Louis.* Louis had wanted *me* for his victim. Finally, after an eternity I gathered my nerves- and ran all the way home.

The entire way I felt as if I was being watched. It was unnerving.

I went to bed immediately. All night I dreamt of that cold hand, those green eyes. I couldn’t believe it was real.

* * *

After school the next day (a Thursday) was track practice. We got out late, and then it was off to a National Honor Society meeting. Finally released at seven, I went home to finish my homework. At ten I went to the bar.

Now my father is an alcoholic, so I have to be careful about how much I drink. Therefore, I only carry enough money for one beer into the bar.

I finished that beer quickly and sat staring into space. Next to me a man cleared his throat.

“Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”

Oh, God, I wanted a drink. Just one more wouldn’t hurt. I nodded and the bartender set two beers before us. This one, too, I finish in a matter of moments. He’d hardly touched his. I don’t realize that I’m staring at his beer until he slides it over to me.

“Here, you look like you need this more than I do. I’m Joe,” he added, extending his hand. I shook it and started drinking. “Viper.”

“That’s an unusual name,” says Joe.

“Tell me about it.” Joe seemed about twenty-five, tanned, muscular, looked resplendent in that suit.

I’ve only been actually drunk a couple of times in my life, and this feelt so good. I made no objections when he orders another round and I drink those two as well.

The room is starting to swirl. The lights are so bright.

“Hey, you look tired. Come on, I’ll take you home.” He led me outside and we get in his car. It never occurred to me then to tell him where I lived. I was so deliciously drunk. The car stopped. He walked me up a flight of stairs.

“This isn’t my apartment…” I managed.

“No, baby, it’s mine.” He pulled me inside and started kissing me. I felt his hands on my blouse. I tried to shove him away but I was so weak, and he was totally sober and he was trying to rape me. I started screaming.

A flash of black and white. Joe flew across the room. I fell to the floor. The last thing I saw was a black-haired figure standing over me and the world went black.

Event #2: While being stupid, you are attacked and then saved by your favorite vampire. You pass out and wake up to find that he has taken you to his lair.

Part 1b

I was not aware of being conscious until my stomach did a stunning vault. Rolling to my stomach I vomited off the side of whatever it was I was laying on. Where was I? I remembered Joe, and the figure- was it Louis? It had to be. And this had to be his house. Where is Louis now? Then my eyes focused on a patch of sunlight on the floor. He must be asleep. I looked down to see that I had thrown up directly into a porcelain bowl. How thoughtful of him.

I looked at my watch to discover that it was ten o’clock, and a Friday. I had already missed two classes and would be expected in a third pretty soon. Good God, but I was so hung over. I wanted to brush my teeth, or at least rinse this awful taste out of my mouth. Getting up, I saw a note on the floor. I picked it up.

“Guest-

“I would have taken you home but couldn’t find an address. The bathroom is the first door on the left. There is a little food in the fridge. I will be back after sunset. If you must leave, please come back tonight. I would so love to speak with you.”

It was signed only with an L. The tight, close script was masculine and somewhat foreign- but then, that made sense. Louis *was* French.

Louis had saved me! The thought left me reeling. It was just as I’d always imagined it. I was in his house, these were his things.

I wandered around, peeking my head in this room and that. Everything was tastefully decorated, functional, everything you’d expect from him. And here in his house, I loved him more than ever.

I felt much more alert after a cold shower. I was just toweling my hair when the grandfather
clock struck noon. I couldn’t miss Band, I had to get to school. As I gathered my things, I realized that I had no idea where I was. It could be a half hour by car to school. I peeked out the nearest window, and there was Meriwether Lewis High School, right across the street. I’d passed by this apartment complex every day and never known what was inside. Amazing.

Gathering up my things, I took one last glance around the place. That one locked door, that must be where he keeps his coffin. Hm.

Everyone will be at lunch now. I have a change of clothes and all I need for band in my locker. No one will see my wrinkled clothes from yesterday, except the directors. But they won’t notice anything.

* * *

When school got out I went home and got online. The boards were full of posts about little things: Anne’s latest escapades, actors who could play Lestat, et cetera. I was so tempted to tell everyone what had happened. But then, no one would believe me. Maybe later I’ll write a *good* Mary Sue about it.

Remember, this was *before* I figured out that someone already was doing that

* * *

The sun had just begun to dip below the horizon when I left the house. It was one of those gorgeous evenings where it’s warm enough for shorts (in my case, a skirt) but not oppressively hot. The sky burned orange in the west, pink above that, blue overhead and navy to the East. Venus was already visible. A good sign.

I slipped inside his house noiselessly. I was so excited, but nervous at the same time. Only then did it occur to me that if Louis was real, everything else was real too. But deep down, I’d known it all along, hadn’t I?

When Louis came in a half hour later he was flushed. Which meant, of course, that he’d already fed.

Good sign.

And suddenly our eyes met and I couldn’t move. It took me a moment to realize that he couldn’t either.

All that was running through my head was “say something, say something! Just say anything”

“Hey… Louis,” I managed to stammer. It was as if all of a sudden he relaxed. He looked at me with a curious expression, then finally spoke.

“I’m afraid I do not know your name…”

“Viper.” His eyebrows raised, but then he smiled. “Viper,” he whispered as if committing it to memory. We were quiet again. Say something!

“I always knew you were real!” He smiled again. Oh, God, he could cause earthquakes with that smile. He put Brad Pitt to shame.

“Would you like something to eat?” So polite! All I could do was shake my head in refusal. I couldn’t have him watch me eat. I’d throw up. “Oh, drink, then?” After a pause he added “No alcohol tonight, please?”

I felt my face flush. How embarrassing!

“Water,” I croaked. He went to the kitchen and brought back a glass. When he handed it to me he was so close. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to kiss him.

And all of a sudden I realized that I *was* kissing him. In shock at my own brashness, I pulled away.

Mary Sue Event #3: You find yourself kissing the aforementioned Favorite Vampire.

We stood there, just stood there.

“I don’t understand you, Viper. I love you and I don’t know why. And I know that I shouldn’t love you, but-“

“But what? Why shouldn’t you love me?”

He looked at me. His eyes were so kind, so pure. It was heartbreaking.

“You’re so young, Viper. You have your whole life ahead of you.”

Mary Sue Cliché

“I think you of anyone would know that Death doesn’t distinguish young or old. The Japanese say that you should eat dessert first, because there could be an earthquake. I want dessert right now!”

With that I pulled him to me and our lips and mouths were one. I could feel his fangs with my tongue and as soon as he realized that I could he tried to pull back, but I wouldn’t let him go. I wanted him so badly, and nothing else mattered.

“This is wrong,” he moaned as his lips moved down my neck.

“Shhhhh,” was all I could say.

I began undressing us both. I could feel Louis shudder as I reached for his pants, but neither of us would let him retreat now. I found his preternatural organ. He grasped my intentions and looked at me.

“Viper, it means nothing to me.”

“It means *everything* to me!”

Mary Sue Event #4- You convince character to have sex with you even though it means nothing to character.

When it was done we lay naked on his couch, the same place I’d awakened that morning.

“I love you,” I whispered.

He raised up on his elbow to look at me. “You’re so beautiful, Viper, but this is so wrong.”

“Louis, it’s not wrong! What is wrong? What could be wrong with the love between us?”

And to answer my question a scrape came from the front door- the sound of a key in a lock. The door swung open to reveal a tall, blonde vampire who could be none other than Lestat. His face transformed from a jovial smile to a look of shock.

Mary Sue Event #5- You get walked in on by the character’s *other* lover…

“Lestat-” Louis was frozen beside me.

But to my surprise Lestat’s face turned to a look of self-satisfied joy. “I’ve taught you well, haven’t I pet? You’re playing with your victims!” His eyes slid down my body. “And a pretty virgin at that, a wonderful choice. May I have a taste?”

… who wouldn’t mind having a go at you!

Louis’ mouth formed an O of surprise as he saw the blood. His eyes looked to me, almost hurt, then he regained himself. “Get out, Lestat. This is no affair of yours.”

“Hmm, and it is an affair, isn’t it? So you’ve taken a mortal lover! Even better than I had assumed!” Then his expression turned to a very faked hurt look. “But Louis, what about *us*?”

“There is no *us,* Lestat. You said so yourself. Which is why I have been living here all alone, reading Keats by the light of a single flame, while you and that David of yours and that Merrick of his go into the night as crazed hunters.”

Lestat was clearly taken aback.

“So sorry to have gotten over you, my dear Lestat. Go home to David and Merrick and leave me and Viper alone.”

“Viper? Her name is Viper?” He laughed. “Ironic, that, seeing as you’re the one with the fangs-“

“And you’re the one with the venom,” Louis cut in coolly.

Lestat make a tsk with his tongue and turned to leave. And he was gone.

Part 3

I leave for home just after dawn, having seen Louis to his coffin. My father is probably in a drunken stupor. I’ll get in and get some sleep, no problem. I am deliciously tired.

I quietly open the door. He’s standing right there.

“Where the hell have you been, bitch?” He reeks of alcohol.

“Fuck you, Earl,” I reply. I don’t have to take this. I try to push past him to my room.

“You little whore!” He raises a hand to hit me. I kick him in the nuts before he makes contact. Then I hit him over the head with a lamp. It breaks and he passes out. When he wakes up, it’ll be all over for me… if I’m still here.

It takes me less than half an hour to pack all my things. I know I can never come back.

Good riddance.

The only thing I’ll regret leaving is my computer, with all my specs from the past three years saved on it. I save everything to disks and am out the door just as Earl starts to wake up.

I’m free.

Mary Sue Event #6- Your experience with the undead love of your life gives you the courage to stand up to someone you’ve never stood up to before- and you kick his ass.

* * *

You know how they say the air smells good when you’re in love, or when you’re free? Well, I’m both and I’m seriously smelling flowers from all the way across the street. It’s awesome. I can’t even imagine having senses as powerful as a vampire’s, I’m so overloaded as it is.

I treat myself to a trip to the bakery, then drop off my bags at Louis’ apartment. After a brief nap I’m off again. I’m going to buy Louis a present.

What could I get for Louis? I walk along so deep in my thoughts that I never see the truck.

It’s about a block off at this point, but I don’t know that. I pause at the corner and then I see Al’s Clock Shop.

I can get Louis an antique clock! It’s perfect!

I step resolutely into the street and begin to cross- and then I felt the truck.

Mary Sue Event #7- Some terrible accident befalls you just when your Vampire Lover is unable to help you- at noon.

* * *

I drifted into consciousness. What the hell? I feel like a floating head- I can’t feel any of my body other than my face, which feels like somebody peeled it off. I can’t open my eyes, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to see what’s happened. I’m scared.

I can hear the hum and beep of machines. I must be in a hospital. I guess that means I’m still alive…

“…neck’s broken…” says a soft female voice from very far away. Damn. I’ve broken my fucking neck. How did I manage that? Oh, yeah, the semi.

“…any identification on her?…” says a second voice, this one male and just as far away as the first. Oh, please don’t let them call my father. Don’t let them find out my real name.

“…nothing… checking dental records… fingerprints…” Thank God. And I haven’t been to a dentist since I moved to the States, and I’ve never been fingerprinted. So I’m safe that way.

I think back and try to remember what made me jump in front of a big rig. Ah, Louis’ gift. Louis! How will he find me here? He can’t read minds. How can I-

Lestat. Rude, brash, conceited Lestat will hear me and tell Louis and Louis will come to me.

LESTAT! I cry with all my mind, heart and spirit. LESTAAAAAAT!

Mary Sue Event #8- You are in some way forced to turn to the Lover’s other Lover for help.

* * *

Louis told me alter that when he woke up he remembered being troubled by a dream that I’d been struck by a giant fist outside a clock shop. At the time he interpreted it as our relationship doomed by the passage of time taking its toll on my mortality.

Rather unsettled, he emerged from his room to find me gone.

“Shit,” he swore, then went out to hunt.

In his wanderings of the city he came across an accident scene. He stopped an elderly onlooker.

“What happened here?”

The old man shook his head and whistled. “Some girl waked in front of a tractor-trailer. I saw the whole thing. Happened about noon and they still haven’t cleared away all the cars. Man, what a scene. That girl hit the front and *bounced,* hit the windshield. The driver slammed on his brakes and jack-knifed. Hit three parked cars and two driving the other direction. Nobody else was really hurt, ‘cept the girl and the driver, and all he got was a faceful of glass.

Louis trembled. “And the girl?”

“I think she’s dead.”

He choked a sob and looked across the street. A sign caught his attention. “Al’s Clock Shop.”

“No,” he whispered. “No!”

“You ok, son?” asked the old man, but Louis turned and ran.

He ran without reason, without direction. *She’s dead, I’ve lost her. I’ve set myself up with a mortal like they all said not to, and now I’ve lost everything. Everything. I never knew how much I loved her until now, and it’s too late!*

Cliché

He stopped in a dark alley. The surroundings were familiar- this was a favorite hunting ground. This was the alley where we first met.

“Louis,” said a voice behind him. Lestat placed a hand on his shoulder the same way Louis placed a hand on my shoulder that first night. He shrugged it off.

“You’ve come to tell me I’m a fool and it’s my own fault for getting hurt, I assume. Do your worst, she’s dead anyway.”

“Louis, you misunderstand me as always. And she’s not dead. She’s been calling me in her conscious moments since afternoon. She’s in the hospital.” Louis turned to Lestat, his green eyes brimming with red tears.

“Truly?”

* * *

The nurses let them in my room without even glancing up, which Louis attributed to Lestat. I lay pale on the plain white sheets. Only my golden hair and the scratches on my face stood out.

I could feel his presence in the room, and Lestat’s too. I wanted to open my eyes and show them I knew they were there, but I couldn’t move them.

“She knows we’re here,” Lestat’s voice drifted past me. “This whole scene is very Claudia, isn’t it?” Louis must have gotten very close, for I could smell his subtle, natural musk. “Her neck’s broken, according to the chart,” Lestat continued. “Perhaps it’s more Jesse, although at the time I was a little preoccupied. Her right eye’s been punctured, but the Blood will fix that. That is, if you intend…” He sounded flustered, as if he’d forgotten and then suddenly remembered Louis’ second promise to make no more fledglings. “Or if you want me to… I mean, well-“

“Thank you for your assistance, Lestat. May I be alone with her?” The door opened and closed.

“Viper, can you hear me? Give me some sign if you can.”

I tried to speak, but it came out a low, soft moan.

“Viper, I don’t want to lose you. I refuse to lose you. You can think me selfish if you want. You can hate me if you want. But I won’t let you die, knowing I could have saved you.”

Oh, Louis. My Louis. I could never hate you. Never, not as long as the Earth goes around the sun.

And I felt his fangs on my neck, the quick painless stab and the ecstasy. Better by far than last night’s adventure. Was that such a short time ago? How things change so quickly. Three days ago I thought Louis and Lestat were mere fiction.

“Now, Viper, drink. Here is my gift for you. Never mind the clock, time now stands still for us both.”

Cliché

And his bleeding wrist was held to my lips.

Mary Sue Event #9- Your Vamp makes you a vampire rather than lose you.