I Love Him
AngelHarris

Spoilers are up to TotBT. And a m/m kiss.

Disclaimers: They aren't mine. Anne Rice created them. I don't get any money. Don't sue me.

Okay this is a short little angst like story that I thought of when I was skimming TotBt and Lestat was saying how Louis would come and visit him in his home downtown.

If all of the strength
All of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
Full of Grace
Full of Grace, my love
It's better this way
I say
Haven't seen this place before
Where everything we say and do
Hurts us all the more.

As I neared Lestat's place downtown I quickened my pace. I was whistling to myself, as I often do. I've always found it to be... comforting. Lestat teases me about it constantly, telling my how I was still "clinging to that mortal coil". I always brushed those comments aside, much like I do everything else Lestat teases me about. He really likes to poke fun at my "miserable memoir", as he calls it. I can't say that it hurts my feelings when he does this but in a way it does. But I digress.

I was so deep in my thoughts that I didn't even realize until I finally looked up that I'd reached Lestat's home. I don't know why we live in separate places. After the whole Queen of the Damned thing I thought maybe we could try and do what we said when we were re-united. That we could have each other like we'd never had before. But Lestat didn't seem to want to do that after Akasha died. Maybe it's because he really had loved her, I mean he'd said to me that they were lovers. God how it hurt when he'd told me that. I had already assumed, well actually I knew, that they had been lovers. But to actually hear him say it made my blood run cold. But then he had asked me that strangest question. Lestat had asked me if I'd loved him! I was so surprised he'd asked me that, I mean the Vampire Lestat showing insecurity. I just had to smile.

I knocked on the door, another mortal habit of mine. Within seconds I heard a cheerful, "Come on in, Louis."

Lestat's home was furnished completely, of coarse. Could the Brat Prince live any other way? Constatnly surrounded with beautiful and lavishing things. Though I must admit he was great at decorating a home. I sometimes want him to straighten my little house up but I'd never admit it.

Lestat was sitting peacefully in his giant living room in one of his burgundy velvet chairs. He was watching tv, which is another thing I won't admit that I like doing. I have often come over here, to his place, with movies of my own to watch but that's beside the point. Besides a lot of the time I just use it as an excuse to come and see Lestat, which was my excuse to come here tonight.

"So. How are you this glorious evening, Beautiful One?" Lestat asked with a beautiful smile lighting up his face.

"I'm fine, Lestat. How are you?"

"Now that you're here? Perfect," he was wearing his typical smirk after that comment. I "walked into that one", as they say today. "So Louis, what movie have you brought with you this time? I swear, the only reason you ever come and see me is to watch your bloody movies." Lestat's voice was soaked in bitterness and anger and by the end of it, he was yelling.

I was shocked. I had no idea what to say. Why was he mad? What did I do? Does he want me to leave? Yeah, Louis, he probably does. "Well, I'm sorry if I've inconvenienced you, Lestat. I'll be on my way now. Good day or night or... whatever." My voice had grown frustrated. I was upset. Why did he yell. I hate it when I manage to anger him without even having a clue as to what I've done.

"Louis, you know if you want a tv you could buy one or hell you could even take mine. It is obviously the only reason you come here, so take it. I wouldn't want you to have to come and watch a movie uncomfortally in my annoying precense. So please just take the tv and go. You have preternatural strength, I'm sure you could manage."

I was offically dumbfounded. His eyes were blazing. "Lestat," I said slowly. "I don't come over here to just watch movies..."

"Really? You could have fooled me."

"I'm sorry. I didn't want you to... to think..." I didn't want to say it. Please don't make me say it. PLEASE.

"What? You didn't want me to think what, Louis?" Lestat's eyes were still cold but at the same time you could see the desperation hiden there.

"Nothing. It's nothing Lestat. I've got to go." And with that I turned to leave.

"Oh no you don't Louis!" Lestat grabbed my arm and spun me around so that we were face to face. "You didn't want me to think WHAT?"

"I didn't want you to think... to think that I... that I missed you." I looked away, embarrassed. I don't know why I find that so hard to say. I can tell him that I love him but for some reason to admit that I miss him bothers me to the core. Probably because it shows a need for him, a wanting to be near him. Whereas with love it just means you love them not that you want them.

"You miss me?" Lestat asked baffled.

"Yes." I murmured my cheeks were bright red. I could feel it.

We stood there for awhile, just staring into each other's eyes. It was making me extremely uncomfortable. His closeness to me was, I must admit, quite arousing. His eyes were penetrating. I had to get away from him and quickly. "Well, Lestat. I must go. The sun will be up soon and it is a bit of a way back to my place."

"Then stay here, Louis." Lestat's eyes looked somewhat pleading.

"No, Lestat. I don't think that would be a very good idea." I started to edge my way towards the door.

"Please, Louis." Lestat closed the distance between us quicker than I could see. His right hand moved upward, towards my face, slowly and seductively. He gently stroked my cheek. Then ever so slowly he leaned forward and I felt his lips on mine. I closed my eyes, like he had already done. His silky lips felt so good. I moaned. He chuckled at that. Then I pulled away. Lestat had a look of utter confusion on his face.

"I love you, Lestat." No response. "Well this has been most interesting." I turned towards the door and just as I opened it I heard Lestat mumble ever so quietly, "Will you come back? Tomorrow?"

"I don't know." And with that, I walked out the door.

I stopped kissing him for the plain and simple reason that it scared me. That's why I always stop it. I've heard from mortals who have read our books. They think its either because I don't find Lestat attractive or that I don't find it tasteful or that I don't love him. None of those could be further from the truth. I find Lestat very attractive, I would love to make love to him all night long, and he possesses my heart like no other ever has. But that's why I'm frightened. Lestat has been known to grow infatuated with things. One moment he can't get enough of them and the next he drops them like a bad habit. There is another saying that I've seemed to pick up. I don't want to be that bad habit, I don't want to be dropped. And I don't want him to be infatuated with me. I want him to love me, not to just be lustful. Oh we always run circles around our emotions, we walk around on tip-toes around our feelings. We always have and probably always will. Part of me wants to know if he even loves me. I mean he never tells me if he loves me after I say it to him. But a lot of me knows that he does, just as much as I do him.

I looked back at his house and smiled. I would come back tomorrow. For he was the flame and I the moth. He appeals to me like no other and I don't want to get to close and get burned. So I continue to dance around and around the object of my desires. Maybe one day I will get up enough courage and find a nice spot to land, and maybe I'll get burned. But maybe something great will happen and I'll finally get the only thing I've ever truely wanted since the moment I saw it. I will come back. How could I not? I love him.

FIN